Gretchen’s New Gig: The Real Story

Flowers for Carlson: Nerd Tears and Casey Close. Last week, Gretchen Carlson finally brought her own show, The Real Story, to her FNC fans. Slotted in what was once the final hour of America Live, Gretchen seems to have salvaged and revamped Megyn Kelly‘s sloping desk; to have “stolen” her all-femme “Power Panel,” and to have adopted the AL feel–perhaps, hoping that Megyn’s magic will rub off on her.

Fox News certainly hopes so. In the premiere of her program, Gretchen ceremoniously received the blessing of FNC fave The Donald who predicted that she would “have great success.”* (Adventitiously or not, Trump also trumpeted in her Fox & Friends successor Elisabeth Hasselbeck in her Fox & Friends debut.)

However, Gretch will have to do more than mimic Megyn and hobnob with the high and mighty to make her show a success: she will also have to prove that she learned well her Minnesota parents’ purported lessons of “core values and humility.”** She will have to eschew the solipsism that she too oft displayed on Fox & Friends, e.g., when she haughtily heralded her resume of being the high school valedictorian, the Stanford alum, and the first Miss America that was a classical violinist. Even though comedian Jon Stewart and her Connecticut blue blood friends may approve of such hubris, FNC’s much maligned “flyover” audience do not.

Gretchen’s Real Story needs to be about the Everyman/Everywoman who watches Fox News. Not Gretchen. If she remembers that simple truth, her intended audience will remember her and tune in—again and again.

[Author’s aside: Re the subtitle, Nerd Tears critic Kevin McCarthy gave Gretchen flowers on her last day on Fox & Friends and hubby Casey Close did likewise Friday on the last day (of her first week) on The Real Story.]

*The Real Story – 09/30/13 (@ 2:11 p.m. ET).

**Ibid at @ 2:01 p.m. ET.

Gretchen Carlson: “Persecuted”?

Religion, politics, and scandal: fact or fiction? No, Persecuted is not a biopic of the Fox & Friends co-host oft lampooned by Saturday Night Live or facilely skewered by Jon Stewart. But, it might just be the name of the major film that she said that she would be filming within the next ten days today in the After the Show Show. [Vid via J$P.]

As A.S.S. started this morning, F&F co-hosts Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, and Brian Kilmeade and FNC meteorologist Marina Molina sat together on the curvy couch. As usual, Brian Kilmeade left almost immediately to go to his Kilmeade & Friends radio show. Shortly, thereafter, Gretchen started to arise, saying, “I’m going off to shoot a movie, actually: So, I’ll see you in about ten days.”

Seemingly, on cue, Steve asked, “In a movie? What kind of movie?” Gleefully, Gretchen answered, “Yeah. A major motion picture.”

As Gretchen walked off the set, Steve queried, “What are you gonna do?” Coyly, Gretchen replied, “It’s a secret!” Following up, Steve asked, “Are you gonna be like the local newsperson or an anchorperson?” Gretchen responded, “Something like that.”

Probing, Steve demanded, “Where are they filming the movie?” Gretchen insisted, “It’s a secret!” “Albuquerque, New Mexico?” Steve persisted.

As Gretchen ignored Steve’s question, Maria queried, “What made you pick that location?” Putting his hand to his forehead suggestively, Steve said, “A voice in my head!” Apparently, to their F&F producers, Maria laughed, “Oh, you told him!”

According to a New Mexico Film Office press release, “feature Persecuted” began mid-July and will end in early August in Albuquerque. Gretchen’s probable “major motion picture” is co-produced by Oscar-winning Gray Frederickson (Apocalypse Now and Godfather) and includes actors, James Remar (Django: Unchained, X-Men: First Class, etc.); Bruce Davison (Lost, X-Men, etc.), and Fred Thompson (Die Hard 2 and Law & Order and former U.S Senator of Tennessee). (The plot revolves around an evangelist framed by a Senator for the murder of a young girl and the persecution that inevitably ensues.)

Gretchen Carlson: “Persecuted”? Or, will she, perhaps, “Transcend” it all?

H/t: J$P.

Megyn Kelly: Jon Stewart “Mean and Unfair”

“What? Was that out loud?” Apparently, America Live anchor Megyn Kelly is no big fan of Daily Show host Jon Stewart, who has taken several acidic shots at her (e.g., her maternity leave and contraception coverage positions). In fact, Megyn dubbed the Comedy Central comedian “mean and unfair.”

In an AL panel discussion on the wisdom of President Obama’s appearing on comedy talk shows, Megyn questioned whether Jimmy Fallon would aggressively challenge the President on the issues in his appearance tonight on Fallon’s Late Night show. One of the panelists, humorist  Scott Blakeman responded, “I don’t know, but…Jon Stewart–who took my comedy class actually and he’s…a great guy…and Jon is a liberal like myself–gave…the hardest interview [that] President Obama has ever had….So, comedians can ask even better questions that even journalists sometimes.”*

With a sardonic smile, Megyn stammered, “I think, just FYI, I think, I think Jon Stewart needs to go back to your class and needs a refresher on how to do comedy, on how to do comedy–as opposed to being mean and unfair.”

In response to Megyn’s acerbic remarks, Blakeman insisted, “No, no, he’s great. He’s great. He’s very funny.” Continuing, he maintained, “No, no, he’s very funny. He’s a nice Jewish guy like me.”

Sensing that Blakeman’s adamant defense with unassailable by her distaff suasion, Megyn sweetly smiled and coyly chuckled, “What? Was that out loud? Huh? What? Sour grapes, anyone?”

Grapes or not, Stewart’s disses have seemingly left a sour taste in Megyn’s mouth.

*America Live – 04/24/12 (@ 2:38 p.m. ET)

Gretchen: Let’s Not Go There!

Brian: “Dumbing it down for us.” Fox & Friends co-host Gretchen Carlson still seems to be smarting from Jon Stewart’s left-handed compliment almost two years ago. After an FNC correspondent compared the EU’s resolution of the Greek debt crisis to putting a three-year-old to bed this morning, F&F co-anchor Brian Kilmeade jested, “Right. Obviously, there’s a big push from people on the couch and away from the couch to down it down for us.”*

Apparently, still remembering the slight from the Comedy Central comedian that the Standford grad who won Miss America in 1989 as a classical violinist was playing the part of Chrissy Snow on F&F, Gretchen guffawed. Looking down and adjusting her hem, Gretchen groused, “Let’s not go there!” Beaming, Brian answered, “Yeah!”

But, we must.

*Fox & Friends – 10/28/11 (@ 6:08 a.m. ET)

Gretchen Carlson: “Basel, Basil, Whoever He Is”

Basel a man? Oops! More fodder for Jon Stewart’s Gretchen Carlson “dumbing [herself] down” segment? Perhaps, the former Miss America, Stanford cum laude alum, and, yes, classical violinist (vid), is not dumb but she certainly did not adequately prepare this morning for a business segment. But, co-anchor Steve Doocy and FBN Senior Correspondent Charles Gasparino seemed to wish that she had.

During an F&F segment prosaically entitled “Politics or Good Policy? Frank Pushes to Reform the Fed Voting Rights,” Steve quoted JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon’s attack on Basel III banking capital rules as being “anti-American.” Afterwards, Steve explained, “What the Basel is saying is that you [banks] have to up the amount of cash in the kitty.” Concurring, biz whiz Gasparino elaborated, “There is a global regulation known as the Basel Accord: This is Basel III. And, they’re saying you need to basically up the amount of cash, the amount of capital on hand for a bank.” Subsequently, Gretchen weighed in–much to her chagrin.

Almost dismissively, a prolix Gretchen opined, “Right. But, the big story here–because most Americans don’t study Basel, Basil, whoever he is on a daily basis–the big story is that this leader of JPMorgan, one of the most esteemed banks in the world, has paid many visits to this White House and appeared to be a supporter of this President and for him to come out with this kind of anti-regulation argument is very substantial.” [Underscored and italicized for emphasis.] In response, both Steve and Gasparino gulped in apparent astonishment. As they tried to remain stone-faced, Steve could not quite suppress a slight smile nor Gasparino a subtle smirk.

As Gretchen should have well known, Basel is not a he. Rather, it is Switzerland’s third largest city. More to the point, it is the home of the Secretariat of the Basel Committee on Banking Supervision which developed those very “comprehensive set of reforms” known as Basel III.

No, Basel is not an herb either.

Related Carpe Diem stories include “No, I’m Not Dumbing Myself Down!” (December 14, 2009); “Gretch: Sorry, I Actually Was Valedictorian” (July 1, 2010); and “Gretchen Carlson’s ‘Release’” (December 2, 2010).

Gretchen Carlson’s “Release”

“Don’t email me and tell me I’m ditsy! Okay?” And, “No,  [John Stewart], I’m not dumbing myself down!,” she seemed to assert again. Today Fox & Friends co-anchor Gretchen Carlson yet appeared intent on proving Comedy Central’s Daily Show host Jon Stewart wrong: I.e., no, the 1989 Miss America, who is a Stanford alum, is not “dumbing herself down” for her Fox News audience, e.g., by claiming not to know what “ignoramus,” “double dip recession,” or “czar” meant. Today, Gretchen added “release” to that list.

After a story on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s failed promise to provide a ladies’ restroom nearer the House of Representatives floor, Gretchen commented, “So the bathroom’s fifty yards away. And, coming into the next Congress there will be seventy-one female members who also have to be sprinters if they would like to go and release themselves while they get back for a vote.”* Laughing at Gretchen’s possibly Freudian malapropism, co-anchor Brian Kilmeade questioned, “Release themselves? Relieve!”

Concurring quickly with Brian’s correction, Gretchen remarked, “Relieved! Whatever that word is. Sorry.” As she began to segue into the next story about new putative Speaker John Boehner’s plan to fulfill Pelosi’s promise, Gretchen abruptly stopped. Admonishing her audience aforehand, she exclaimed, “Don’t e-mail me and tell me I’m ditsy, okay?”

*Fox & Friends – 12/02/10 (@ 7:09 a.m. ET)

O’Reilly Errs: Palin Stares

Stewart: “Busted, O’Reilly! Who’s the pinhead now?” Deja vu? Ironically, on this the very night that the Bill O’Reilly aired the Daily Show host Jon Stewart’s comical, acerbic critique (of O’Reilly for his erroneous Andy Griffith Show trivia),  O’Reilly dished out equally unreliable political facts to his audience. However, when he did it this time in front of Republican power player Sarah Palin tonight, he got a welcome reprieve from his Fox News colleague.

During his post-Tuesday primaries interview with the former Alaska governor, O’Reilly praised the Palin and the Tea Party for their influence and mentioned that their candidate had won in New Hampshire.* While Palin looked on with a slight hint of a smile, O’Reilly remarked, “I can’t even say his name. What’s his name up there?” When Palin stayed silent, O’Reilly continued, “What his name in New Hampshire? Tell me in my ear [to producers]. Some guy up there won the primary. And, you endorsed him, Governor.” As Palin still said nothing and continued to stare at him blankly, O’Reilly stammered, “Um. Alright, nobody knows. He’s got a long name. He won. Tea Party guy won in New Hampshire. Okay.”

Unfortunately for O’Reilly, he was wrong–doubly wrong. First, the “Tea Party guy” with “the long name,” Ovide Lamontagne lost. Second, he lost to the Republican establishment’s candidate, Kelly Ayotte, the very choice of Sarah Palin.

Later, making matters all the worse for himself, O’Reilly adventitiously ran the Stewart footage mocking him (for his erroneous Andy Griffith assertion that Thelma Lou was Andy’s girl). In the clip, after Stewart points out that Thelma Lou was actually Barnie Fife’s beau, Stewart exclaimed, “Busted O’Reilly! Who’s the pinhead now?”  Check your facts, old man,  ’cause we’re holding your feet to the fire.” Facetiously, he added, “I expect a full retraction on air–otherwise, I might never trust Fox again.”

After that vid, O’Reilly declared, “Well, the problem with Mr. Stewart’s analysis is that shortly after I made the Thelma Lou mistake I corrected it on the air! Somehow, old Jon didn’t mention that. So, who’s the pinhead now?” Then he added, “By the way, Stewart will be on the Factor next Wednesday. That should be interesting.”

What should be interesting is if O’Reilly shortly corrects his Palin mistake on air. And, if he does not give a “full retraction,” will viewers such as Stewart ever trust Fox again? Tune in to see–especially, Wednesday.

*O’Reilly Factor (09/15/10) – @8:06 p.m. ET)

**O’Reilly Factor (09/15/10) – @8:58 p.m. ET)

Gretch: Sorry, I Actually Was Valedictorian!

Trust me. Fox & Friends co-anchor Gretchen Carlson is a blond former Miss America but she is not “dumbing [herself] down” as Jon Stewart suspects. In fact, as she seems to insist, the classical violinist and Stanford alum is smart–really.

After a F&F viewer mail segment today on a school that had thirty valedictorians, Gretchen proudly proclaimed, “Well, speaking personally, I, I was valedictorian, and I have to tell you that there were others at my school who also were. I graduated with over nine hundred kids: we all earned it. I forget if there were five or six of us but it is a huge honor.” Shaking her head earnestly, she concluded, “So, I think that they should not, you know, make it not as big of a deal because it’s something that you work really, really, really hard to attain.”

Seeming to sense that Gretch was waxing too melodramatic, co-host Brian Kilmeade waggishly remarked, “I would have been if there were 220 people less in my class.” Laughing uproariously, co-anchor Steve Doocy joked, “So you had 221 kids in your class? Smiling, Brian deadpanned, “Sometimes, luck doesn’t break your way.”

Still quite serious, Gretchen interjected, “Trust me. You have no idea how many times I have liked to pull that one out of my back pocket.” Amused, Brian asked, “Why?” Gretchen somberly responded, “Because having blond hair and being a woman, it’s easy to be under attack. And, it’s very nice to be able to say, ‘Sorry, I actually was valedictorian.”

No matter what they might say.

F&F: Doonesbury Dudes

Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy have made the funny papers! Today, during his promo for his Fox News Sunday show on Fox & Friends, Chris Wallace alluded to this distinction when he commended F&F co-anchor Brian for his “shout-out” from Doonsebury. For F&F fans who may have missed Wallace’s oblique reference, Garry Trudeau has spoofed F&F’s coverage of the Tiger Woods saga this week. In so doing, he “featured” Brian Monday through Thursday, and mentioned Steve today. (Links: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.)

The author is surprised that co-host Gretchen Carlson has not yet been given a starring role in the progressive comic strip. Perhaps, Keith Olbermann’s “Second Worst Person in the World” and Jon Stewart’s dumbing-herself-down dame will make her grand entrance next week.

“No, I’m Not Dumbing Myself Down!”

After not responding to earlier bad press, Fox & Friends co-anchor Gretchen Carlson answered her latest “tormentor,” Jon Stewart today. Five days after the Daily Show host accused the Stanford alum and classical violinist of dumbing herself down for her Fox News audience, she replied not so obliquely during her show.*

When she introduced a segment entitled “Decade’s Most Obsolete Items,” she stated, “This’ll make you feel really old ’cause a lot of this stuff is technology-based driven: This always affects me.” Then, marveling, she asked, “Did you know…that the fax machine is almost obsolete? I’m just getting around to figuring how to actually use it.” Apparently, remembering John’s acerbic assertions, she quickly added, “And, no, I’m not dumbing myself down!”

In response, Gretchen’s guest co-host, Peter Johnson, Jr., laughed knowingly and heartily. As co-anchor Steve Doocy stoically tried to segue to the next item (telephone answering machine), Gretchen stared straight into the camera and simply smiled. As if to say, are you listening, John?

*Fox & Friends (12/14/09) – @8:36 a.m. ET

A.M. Mammary Memories (More of Zain)

American Morning co-host John Roberts ribaldly recalls yet again Zain Verjee’s ample melons. After a Jeanne Moos segment featuring Improv Everywhere singing in a store’s produce section, co-anchor Kiran Chetry commented, “That never happens at my grocery store. How about you?” Randily John replied, “Well, there was that time Zain Verjee appeared in the produce department of a store.”

[For the reader who may not recollect, Zain Verjee appeared on an American Morning “Great Grocery Challenge” segment memorialized by Jon Stewart on his Comedy Central Daily Show. As she was interviewed by guest co-host Kyra Phillips in the produce aisle, Kyra racily remarked, “Nice melon [pause] behind you there!” Also present, a suddenly reddened John whirled around in disbelief and declared, “Whoa!”]

Looking lustily up with almost a leer, John chortled, “I remember fondly back on that.” Grinning, Kiran risquely added, “That’s right. It made everybody very hungry for watermelon, right?” John smiled broadly, chuckled, and remained wisely silent.*

Well, it is that frisky early A.M.!

AM – 10/27/08 (6:55 a.m. ET)

Zain’s “Nice Melons” Remembered

Yesterday American Morning co-anchor John Roberts had fond memories of CNN reporter Zain Verjee’s ample melons in the fresh produce department over a year ago (as memorialized by Jon Stewart’s Daily Show)*. As John introduced a segment with CNN correspondent Ed Henry who was similarly situated in a Bristol, VA, Krogers before Obama’s healthcare meeting, John and guest host Carol Costello could not repress a knowing hearty chuckle about Kyra Phillips’ naughty aside to Zain.

As Ed’s report ended, John was a bit more forthcoming. Trying to keep a straight face, John asked, “What about melons, Ed? Do they have any melons there?” Then he laughed lustily. Ed replied, “You know, John, I just don’t want to go there. Just can’t go there.” John responded, “We need Zain Verjee to do that part of the story.”

To the audience, Carol commented, “Inside American Morning joke but, boy, was it funny!” John added, “It hearkens back to a year ago actually.” For the rest of the story, see Carpe Diem’s “Kyra: ‘Nice Melons.'”**

*http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-june-18-2008/moment-of-zen—nice-melons

**https://jakeho.wordpress.com/2008/06/14/kyra-nice-melons/

“Lovely Gourd, Jeanne”

American Morning co-anchor John Roberts was channeling a naughty Kyra Phillips this morning. When Jeanne Moos ended her segment on a rejected PETA Super Bowl veggie sex ad, she suggestively blew on a phallic-shaped gourd: Laughing, Roberts ribaldly riposted, “Nice gourd, Jeanne. (Roberts seemed to be not so subtly paraphrasing Kyra Phillips “nice melons” comment to Zain Verjee in a grocery segment which was highlighted by Comedy Central comic Jon Stewart.) A smiling Kiran Chetry merely stated, “Butternut squash!”

No double entendres.

Kiran: Underneath My Skirt

“Could have gotten ugly”? Many of Kiran Chetry’s admirers would dare to disagree. Like the famed burlesque star Sally Rand, American Morning’s Kiran Chetry may have disabused many of her fans of the mystery of distaff delight. Apparently, no more popular Fox & Friends YouTube moments for now.

After a segment airing the “Moment of Zen” from Comedy Central’s the “Daily Show with Jon Stewart” showcasing Richard Simmons amorously kissing Kiran’s foot, AM co-anchor John Roberts asked, “Did he just snap or what happened?” Kiran explained, “Well, he’s Richard Simmons.” Roberts randily further queried, “A foot kisser?” Kiran replied, “Apparently. He would not let go.”

Then she added, “The…good news is that I had on emergency bike shorts underneath my skirt because it could have gotten [sic] ugly.” When Roberts feigned embarrassment, Kiran tittered, “Too much information?” Roberts responded, “Just a bit.” Laughing, Kiran replied, “You just never know if you’re going to trip in the studio: you’ve got to be covered. I hope that’s not the next moment of Zen.”

Kiran, emergency biking shorts? Sounds like Chris has given you some Zen Depends. You and Janelle may well want to reconsider that netherwear choice.

“If you’re going to trip in the studio,” you might as well look good in the video.

Kissing Kiran’s Foot–Literally!

AM’s B-POD Beauty

Fear not, Jon Stewart fans, I’m not referring to Ali Velshi, the bald prophet of doom. I’m speaking of American Morning’s Gerri Willis, the blonde prophet of delight (as John Roberts dubbed her). Last Thursday the usually serious, subdued business beauty bravely displayed a little leg in a white mini and the AM camera showed some appreciation for her fresh jauntiness with a lingering look or two.

AM’s executive producer, Janelle Rodriguez, continues to awaken CNN’s morning news program from its slothful slumber. Her new fun, flirty flair is a welcome wake-up call. Rise and shine!