Bob Out Again: Juan In!

Five: About time? The Five co-host Bob Beckel, the liberal buffoon–who was “likeable enough” as former President Obama might characterize him–was fired Friday, allegedly “making an insensitive remark to an African-American” who reportedly “came to service his computer,” telling [him] that he was leaving his office because he is Black [sic]”: Ironically, unless The Five finds a fill-in, he will apparently be permanently replaced by his alternate liberal co-host, the very likable, knowledgeable African-American Juan Williams who lost his job at NPR for an allegedly “insensitive remark” about Muslims on FNC (O’Reilly Factor.) You cannot make this stuff up.

Self-admitted former substance abuser Bob was known for his cursing and crudeness on The Five but he was like the drunk on the bar stool next to you that amuses you as long as he does not spill beer on you or grab your girlfriend in a fresh fashion. But, he seemed to have a good heart as he mentored those who suffered from substance abuse.

Sometimes Bob’s tomfoolery made for good TV: But, when Juan Williams rotated in for him, the viewer wondered why Juan did not have the liberal seat full-time. In 2015, Bob was let go from The Five with former FNC honcho Bill Shine, saying, “We tried to work with Bob for months, but we couldn’t hold The Five hostage to one’s personal issues. He took tremendous advantage of our generosity, empathy and goodwill and we simply came to the end of the road with him.”  In 2017, Bob returned to the show: FNC chief Rupert Murdoch remarked, “Bob was missed by many fans of The Five and we’re happy to welcome him back to the show.

The author initially found this account re Bob highly suspect. The he remembered that Bob had referred to Chinese as “Chinamen,” a term which he understands that some consider derogatory and others may not. Regardless, it seemed to indicate an insensitivity in that regard. As to the aforementioned account re his latest termination, Bob appears to have crossed the Rubicon re racial remarks in seeming to question the ability of the IT guy because of his race.

When The Five aired later on Friday night, Bob’s name and fate were noticeably not found anywhere on the lips of his co-hosts Kimberly Guilfoyle, Jesse Watters, Dana Perino, or Greg Gutfeld. However, where Bob had last sat was predictably Juan Williams. And, presumably, he will now finally be The Five‘s resident liberal.

O’Reilly Out: Carlson In

Five replaces Carlson; Bolling replaces Five; and Watters replaces Bolling. Yesterday, FNC honcho Rupert Murdoch “caved”: Joined his boys James and Lachlan in dethroning the King of Cable Bill O’Reilly (statement)–while O’Reilly was on vacation. And, O’Reilly did not get the last word on his once eponymous show last night newly named simply The Factor.

Rather, The Factor fill-in host Dana Perino solemnly declared, “Finally, tonight, it is the end of an era here at the Fox News Channel….Bill O’Reilly is leaving this chair and this network after more than twenty years. Bill has been the undisputed king of cable news, and for good reason: He is an incredibly talented broadcaster who raised the bar for interviewers everywhere; he has also held his staff to exacting standards in his quest to put the best possible program on the air and they are great; and you his audience responded in record numbers making The Factor the number one cable news show for more than sixteen years.” Trying to soften the blow to O’Reilly’s fans further, Dana declared, “In a memo to the staff today, Rupert, James, and Lachlan Murdoch who run Fox News described Bill this way, [saying], “By ratings standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news. In fact, his success by any measure is indisputable. We wish him the very best.”

Even though the Murdochs recently re-signed their FNC flagship anchor and top revenue generator to an 18-million-per-year contract, they decided to  jettison O’Reilly amid the continuing allegations of sexual harassment. According to the New York Times, Fox luminaries Rebecca Gomez (2011), Laurie Dhue (2016), and Juliet Huddy (2016) have received settlements: Furthermore, reportedly, erstwhile Outnumbered regular Andrea Tantaros‘s psychologist Michele Berdy said under oath that Andrea “complained to me about recurring unwanted advances from Bill O’Reilly.” To boot, the New York Daily News reported, “On the day before he [O’Reilly] was booted, a black colleague said a leering O’Reilly shamelessly ogled her cleavage and nicknamed her ‘Hot Chocolate.'”

Not amused, O’Reilly responded to his firing, saying, “It is tremendously disheartening that we [Fox News and O’Reilly] part ways due to completely unfounded claims. But that is the unfortunate reality many of us in the public eye must live with today. I will always look back on my time at Fox with great pride in the unprecedented success we achieved and with my deepest gratitude to all my dedicated viewers.” [For full statement, link here.]

As to O’Reilly’s dedicated viewers, they will now have “a new evening and prime time lineup” according to Fox News. As of Monday (April 24),  Tucker Carlson Tonight will replace the recently renamed O’Reilly Factor (to The Factor); The Five will follow with the usual cast of Kimberly Guilfoyle, Greg Gutfeld, Dana Perino, Juan Williams, and Bob Beckel with the addition of Jesse Watters to take Eric Bolling‘s middle chair (April 24); Bolling gets his own show in the old The Five slot at 5:00 p.m. ET (May 1).

Coaxing his own Tucker Carlson Tonight viewers to make the jump to the new time last night, Tucker concluded his show saying, “There is change coming to Fox News, the channel and to this program: Starting Monday, we are moving to 8 p.m. Eastern Time. You’ve made the journey with us from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m.: We hope you’ll come along once more and join us an hour earlier.” Graciously, he aptly added, “We’ve got big shoes to fill: We’re going to do our best.”

Indeed, Tucker does have big shoes to fill: Whether O’Reilly devotees will give Tucker that chance remains to be known. And, to whether FNC fans cotton to James and Lachlan’s kinder, gentler Fox News is another issue altogether: Their father Rupert had the Midas touch with his “Mad Men” mentality. Going PC may be FNC’s folly: Alchemy in reverse.

Rude Beckel Unrepentant

Cursing & Boorish Bob: “I’m going to continue to say Comrade Trump!” Yes, The Five co-host Bob Beckel continues to show his ass to The Five fans. He certainly learned little from his liberal, articulate, and debonair successor/predecessor The Five co-host Juan Williams who exhibited real respect and class even with those with whom he disagreed.

Unsurprising, Bob had to be bleeped once in the show as his brilliant, beautiful co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle raised her hand toward her face in disgust and disbelief that Beckel was up to his old tricks again.

But, Beckel was not done. As the show ended with its “One More Thing” segment, Beckel barked, “Alright, I’m going to change my “One More Thing” here, and I’ve been yelled at already by the producer (apparently, for his bleeped expletive).”* Condescendingly to his The Five viewers, he commented, “Let me explain something about The Five. I’ve been here at the beginning and then took a sabbatical. But, this has always been an opinion show.” Looking into the camera at his detractors, Beckel retorted, “For those of you who have inundated me with how if I would get off this show, it would get a lot better. I understand that: It’s fine. I can handle that.”

Continuing his rant, Beckel bellowed, “But, let me explain something to you: If you want to go and find something that is all one way, you can go to another network. Don’t come here because I’m going to continue to say, ‘Comrade Trump’!” Interrupting Beckel as the show concluded, co-anchor Greg Gutfeld aptly shouted, “Bob, gotta go!”

And, unless Bob changes his stripes, maybe, he will once again.

[Author’s aside: Beckel’s abrasive reply to The Five fans may have also been a less than a subtle shot at the author’s Carpe Diem article entitled “Bob Beckel: Comrade Trump.”]

*The Five – 02/22/17 (@ 5:59 p.m. ET).

Perino Goes Pe-loco?

Dana accuses her Five co-host Eric Bolling of shady ethics? In a made-for-TV moment yesterday, FNC Five co-host Dana Perino became unhinged as she attacked her co-host Eric Bolling over his defense of the latest entrant to the GOP presidential race, Donald Trump. The caustic exchange left Dana glowering into the camera and a non-too-amused Eric shaking his head at her.

Dana, W’s self-professed number one fan, may just have to recuse herself from the Five for the duration of the election if she is not too careful. The former White House press secretary of President George W. Bush, apparently, can not brook the thought of any unconventional Republican standing in the way of W’s little brother Jeb!‘s ascension to the throne. Approximately, two weeks ago, she was proclaiming that Jeb! basher Senator Rand Paul had “jumped the shark” and appeared gleeful to shiv this libertarian rival on the O’Reilly Factor: Today, she was happy to wield the mace to go at Eric and, by extension, Jeb!’s lastest critic, The Donald.

Actually, it was humorous in a schadenfreude fashion. In the “A block” yesterday [FNC vid], Dana seemed genuinely outraged that co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle and Eric would take the flamboyant billionaire seriously, especially, as to his saying he would build a southern border wall and make Mexico pay it.

In her “A block” segment, Kimberly said that Trump was adopting the “Walmart/Kmart approach” by getting the U.S. to “charge everybody for everything” to “make a profit in America”: Chiming in, Eric endorsed The Donald’s take on getting tough on Mexico (among other countries) and said that he was making the other candidates think. In response, Dana was aghast: Haltingly, she sputtered, “I don’t know what to say.”

Derisively, Dana remarked, “I understand…[that]…it feels good to hear that a President of the United States is going to bring back all of our jobs from China and Japan [but] it is so divorced from reality. As Eric turned toward her, she seemingly took a shot at him, saying, “I think you got to take this more seriously: At least, I do! And, I, I’m surprised at some of the people who actually think that some of this would work, especially, given that their other positions are that, for example, executive actions are not something that we should have; we should not have an imperial Presidency.”

Subsequently, co-hosts Greg Gutfeld and Juan Williams gave their takes, respectively, reducing Trump to an exemplar of hubris and showmanship. When Eric came to Trump’s defense, Juan rejoined, “If you’re a serious Republican, do you think that you are helped with him by having him on the same stage with you?” Eric exclaimed, “Yes! No, no: I don’t think you’re helped personally but I think the America people are helped because now they have to address some of the things that Donald Trump addresses that these guys [other candidates] don’t want to talk about.”

Jumping in, Dana scornfully asked, “[D]o you actually think that…the moderator [in a GOP debate] should say, ‘Mr. Rubio, Trump says that he is going to bring back all of the jobs from China: How do you respond?’ And, like all of the candidates are supposed to respond to that!” Then she snarked, “How actually is Donald Trump’s [sic] going to bring all of the jobs from China!”

Subsequently, turning to Eric, Dana acerbically queried, “How would you answer…’how you would bring all the jobs back from China?'” Eric replied, “First of all, I don’t that Donald ever said that he would bring back all of the jobs from China: But, he, he certainly would bring back some of the jobs from China.”

Outraged at Eric’s impertinence, Dana shouted, “He said it in his speech yesterday!” Accusatorily, she stuttered, “no, th, th, that, covering up for him is actually wrong! And, I understand that you have a deal that you’re trying to work on with him. I saw the Twitter last night! I just don’t see how that’s how any other journalist would be pandering.”

Incredulous, Eric replied, “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Pointing her finger at Eric, Dana riposted, “Well, you said that you’ve been trying to close the deal for years to be on Celebrity Apprentice!”

As Greg cackled in the background, Eric replied, “Oh, my god, Dana!…I have been friendly with Donald Trump for fifteen years!” Scowling, Dana answered, “You’re the one who was shouting it from the rooftop yesterday!” Agitated all the more, Eric asked, “Are you actually saying that you are going to accuse me of saying that Donald Trump has some good ideas that are resonating with America because I want to be on Celebrity Apprentice?  Please tell me that’s not the case!”

Glowering at Eric, Dana barked, “I am saying that!”

In reply, Eric snapped, “I will tell you unequivocally that is not the case! I can’t be on Celebrity Apprentice anyway: I’m a host at Fox News. I’m not allowed to!…Seven years ago, Donald Trump came to Fox and said, Hey! Can he be on it? And, the boss said, ‘no he can’t!'”

Defending Eric’s honor, Kimberly chimed in saying, “He did ask!”

Still enraged at Dana’s slight, Eric exclaimed, “By the way, by the way, Dana, Dana, Dana, I have way more ethics…than to use this platform which I love!” When Kimberly tried to wrap her segment to end the acrimony, Eric sharply answered, “Stop!” Finishing his point, he said, “I love dearly this Five: I do! I was here from day one, and I hope to be day last!”

Caustically, Dana interrupted, “Oh, guess what! So was I!”

Ending the segment, Kimberly exclaimed, “I’ve had enough! Go to your rooms!”

Clearly ticked, Eric uttered, “Wow!”

As the final shot ended, an angry Dana glowered anew and a miffed Eric shook his head.

Calling into question Eric’s ethics, Dana? Wow! President George W. Bush, this is not your dad’s “kinder and gentler” FNC.

[Author’s aside: After the Five yesterday, Trump Tweeted, “Dear @kimguilfoyle, Thank you so much for your nice words today on @TheFive. Will not be forgotten!” The author has a feeling that Dana’s words may not be forgotten either.]

Perino: New Weekly O’Reilly Segment

O’Reilly: “Dana Perino’s top stories of the week!” Pixie pretty Five co-host Dana Perino has a new gig: Following in the tiny footsteps of her dimunitive co-anchor Greg Gutfeld, Dana  has scored a weekly segment on FNC ratings king Bill O’Reilly’s The Factor.  Bettering her little buddy (who enjoys a regular segment entitled “What the Heck Just Happened” with Imus in the Morning executive producer Bernard McGuirk), Dana has her own segment to herself.

Announcing her good news Thursday, Dana Tweeted, “So this is happening. Tonight. New weekly segment w/ @oreillyfactor where we bat around my top stories of the weeks.”

Subsequently, when The Factor aired that night, Bill began Dana’s segment, announcing, “‘Impact Segment’ tonight! Brand new segment: Dana Perino’s top stories of the week!” Introducing her, he exclaimed, “And, here she is! Co-host of The Five, Miss [sic] Perino!” Joking he added, “[Dana’s The Five co-host Bob] Beckel would never get this!”

Congratulations, Dana!

*O’Reilly Factor (second airing) – 03/19/15 (@ 11:14 p.m. ET).

Vanilla Perino: As*, As*, Baby?

Or, a**hole, Ed Henry? Today, Five co-anchor Dana Perino and chief White House correspondent Ed Henry celebrated “good times.” Apparently, during the Real Story with Gretchen Carlson (featuring Dana), Ed revealed, “She [Dana] called me an equal opportunity blank–I won’t use the word, I think it starts with an ‘a,’ and it’s not a very nice word.”

Poor Ed should not feel too bad about Dana’s acerbic aspersion. He is in good company: Wannabe rapper “Tiny D” called her co-host and bud Greg Gutfeld an a**hole during a break on The Five about two years ago according to Five co-anchor Bob Beckel. On the other hand, the self-professed “biggest fan” of Bush 43, may have been having a flashback to the day that W infamously called that pesky, impertinent NYT reporter an “a**hole.”

Ed: an a**hole? Probably not–unless he gets on Dana’s bad side!

Dash’s Afternoon Delight: “PILF”?

Stacey: I wasn’t kicking [him out of bed]. The Five guest co-host Stacey Dash may be conservative but she seems to have a soft spot for probable Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton’s hubby. Recently, on Outnumbered, she racily posited that if Hillary were elected President that Bill’s title should be “PILF.”

In a segment Friday (on the Clinton Foundation fundrasing), she upped the ante (during a segment on Hillary’s possible problems re Clinton Foundation fundraising). When Five co-host Juan Williams mused that supporters of potential Hillary opponent, Elizabeth Warren, would wonder what Hillary was doing in bed with all of the big money companies, Five co-anchor Greg Gutfeld jested, “It should be interesting: She’s in bed with the companies, and Bill’s in bed with the company.”* Turning to Stacey, Juan joked, “No. But Stacey’s kicking him out of bed! Oh, no, no, that was Obama!”  Shaking her head no, Stacey smiling responded, “I wasn’t kicking [Bill out of bed].

Chuckling naughtily, Five co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle chimed in, “Clinton will be knocking at the door!”

*The Five – 02/21/15 (@ 5:24 p.m. ET).

Eric & Greg: “Boobs on the Ground”?

Greta: “Ouch! Oh, man!…They’re going to get into so much trouble over that one!”* Yesterday, The Five co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle saluted a true “femme fatale,” U.A.E. ace Major Mariam Al Mansouri (during the “One Last Thing” segment): The U.A.E.’s first female pilot, who serves as squadron leader, led the American/Arab air strikes as she and the boys wreaked havoc on ISIS on the Syrian front. Instead of celebrating the Major in a part of the world where a woman sometimes cannot even drive and oft has to hide behind a burka, Kimberly’s co-hosts, Greg Gutfeld and Eric Bolling, acting like puerile, pubescent schoolboys, took cheap misogynistic shots.

After Kimberly had lauded Mansouri a/k/a “Lady Liberty” for “raining hell down on ISIS,” Greg jejunely jested, “The problem is after she bombed it, she, she couldn’t park it.” Chuckling, a less than clever Eric punned, “Would that be considered ‘boobs on the ground’ or no?” As Kimberly looked down in incredulity, even the ever bawdy co-anchor Bob Beckel looked on in disbelief, exclaiming, “Did you just say what I thought you said!””

“Boobs on the ground,” Eric? No, just boobs on The Five. And, not the nice kind.

[Author’s aside: The subtitle, supra, refers to the final segment on On the Record with Greta Van Susteren last night: As the show concluded, Greta remarked, “And, live TV, well it can be unpredictable like the discussion on The Five today about the U.A.E.’s first fighter pilot bombing ISIS. Ouch!” After playing the clip of The Five segment describing the aforementioned juvenile exchanges, Greta remarked, “Oh, man! Do you think that the gents on The Five minus Bob should get a do-over on that one? They’re going to get into so much trouble over that one!”]

Eric “Explains” Kid Diss: I’m a Dog Lover!

“I got beat up all day on…the Internet!” One more thing! During the final Five segment Monday, co-anchor Eric Bolling tried to “explain” away his dissing of viral sensation toddler Beau earlier in the day on Fox & Friends (vid). Introducing his “apology,” Eric showed a few pics of Beau and his puppy pal Theo adorably cuddling as they napped and then aired the F&F clip for which Carpe Diem gave him grief for incredibly asking a mother to give her grumpy toddler to someone off screen during an interview. After the snippet ran, Eric remarked, “So that was me recommending, ‘No…keep Theo the dog, and put Beau to the side. I got beat up all day on, on the Internet!”

Looking into the camera, Eric implored, “But, you have to understand something: I’m a dog lover!” Pointing toward the viewer, he continued, “Look at this picture someone sent to me. My brother-in-law sent this to me today. That’s Freedom and me.” As a picture of a big dog licking an eyes-closed Eric on the lips appeared on the screen, Jasper‘s “mum,” fellow co-host Dana Perino exclaimed, “Oh, my god” and co-anchor Greg Gutfeld gibed, “This is perverted!” Uncowed, Eric continued, “We are BFF’s. I love that dog!”

Eric’s explanation: Feeble at best. A red herring? Yes. But, at least, he tried!

RE’s Lauren Sivan Flinches: Her Yoga Too Hot?

Lauren: “I was told it was a small art film.” Is Red Eye hottie Lauren Sivan embarrassed by her sexy RE “Yoga News” past? In her latest appearance on the popular FNC late night show, the risque reporter who put the “tease” in LA’s KTTV appeared rather reluctant to embrace the frisky workout routine that made her an RE fan fave.

Two weeks ago, the “Tramp Stamp” temptress was reminded of her saucy segment during RE‘s “A Block” (about a survey that indicated that most Americans think that their personal info is being accessed without their consent). As the RE panel discussed Americans seemingly obsolescent sense of privacy, Lauren scoffed, “Women are posting the inside of their uterus on Facebook. How much more private can you get than that? And, then they’re complaining.”* Impishly,  RE co-host Greg Gutfeld riposted, “Lauren…between Twitter, Instagram, and those German films you did back in the 90’s, everybody pretty much knows everything about you. Do you care? Do you remember “Yoga News?”

Blushing, Lauren replied, “I think that’s a perfect example of what happens when Big Brother is not watching.” Interposing, fellow guest Daily Beast cultural news editor Michael Moynihan jested, “You never thought that would get out!” Racily, Lauren responded, “I was told it was a small art film. It was just for our own….” Grinning goatishly, Greg replied, “I was the independent film maker. That got you into lots of trouble!” Concurring, Lauren exclaimed, “It really did!”

Interjecting, RE‘s second banana Bill Shulz joked, “You know how they got you? Greg was wearing a beret. And, you’re like, it’s gotta be legit!” Naughtily, Lauren rejoined, “What do you want be to do with this baguette?” As the RE roared with laughter, Lauren added, “It was a deleted scene.”

Having “escaped” a satyric Greg virtually unscathed, Lauren still had to face the inimitable RE ombudsman Andy Levy at the end of the show. When her time had come in the “Postgame WRAP-UP” for the usual snark attack, Andy asked, “Lauren, you were talking about a, a “Yoga News” segment you did on this show a long time ago.”

Almost hopefully, Lauren retorted, “I know [that] you’ve erased it from your memory.”

Puckishly, Andy riposted, “No! I believe we still have that tape. Ron, can we run that?”

Unamused, Lauren pleaded, “Please! Please! Please!”

Strangely merciful, Andy answered, “Nah! I’m just kidding!”

As Lauren rolled her eyes and shook her head in relief, her bud and bete noire Bill Shulz chuckled, “You [Lauren] honestly flinched when you did that!”

Smiling wickedly, Greg intoned, “The viewers are so angry with you, Andy!”

Aptly, Andy answered, “I know. I know.”

Chiming in, Bill added, “It’s been scrubbed from the Internet, I believe.”

Happily, for Lauren’s acolytes, Bill was wrong–as is oft his wont. The “Dancing Shiva” may have flinched: But, she also flexed! Lithe and lissome Lauren lives on in video—even if RE still won’t show it again!

*Red Eye – 06/15/13 (11:11 p.m. ET)

Five’s Beckel Unhinged: [Medgar] Evers “Turncoat”

Oops! Bob bizarrely loses his civil rights mantle cred. Today, the proud self-proclaimed son of a “liberal who went into the South and was arrested 57 times in the civil rights movement registering blacks” and who marched with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., evidenced an appalling lack of knowledge when it came to a pivotal chapter in the nations history. During a segment on black Louisiana state senator Elbert Guillory who changed from the Democratic party to the GOP, Beckel tried to impugn him by trying to recall another black Louisiana “turncoat.” Unfortunately, for Bob, it backfired on him, his co-hosts, and The Five.

In the Five block moderated by co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle,* Bob tried to push-back when his more conservative co-hosts, Kimberly, Eric Bolling, and Greg Gutfeld appeared to defend Guillory’s decision. Looking down, Beckel declared, “Louisiana has had a long history–and I wish [that] I could remember the name of this guy whose brother was a very well known civil rights activist who was I think a Congressman. And, this guy converted to the Republican Party because he was paid to convert to the Republican Party to sift off the votes from the Democrats.”

After further discussion with his conservative co-hosts (including Dana Perino) of Guillory, Bob errantly announced, “I just remembered the name of the guy who was, his brother became a turncoat.”

Derisively, Kimberly enjoined, “[‘C]ause the control room gave it to you in your ear?”

Struggling mightily, Bob stammered, “Megan, Meg, Megan, Malcolm Evers’ brother, Charles Evers’ brother, Malcolm…got, got paid money to go on the Republican Party to sift off votes the Democrat.”

To make matters even worse, when Greg asked, “Were you bringing, why, to denigrate this man’s brave,” Bob declared, “I didn’t deny what this guy’s, what he was saying but Louisiana has a history of doing this. They have a history of doing it!”

Unfortunately, Bob’s bluster ruled the day on the Five. Perhaps, just as embarrassing or even more so, none of his co-anchors nor F&F‘s vaunted control room challenged his addled version of the civil rights struggle–in Mississippi!

Clearly, a muddled Bob was referring to the Mississippi civil rights martyr Medgar Evers and his activist older brother Charles Evers. It was Medgar who died at the hands of Byron Beckwith for the cause in June 11, 1963, and Charles who took his place as field secretary of the MS NAACP. Subsequently, Charles became the mayor of Fayette in 1963 (and the NAACP’s “Man of the Year”); a gubernatorial candidate; a U.S. Senate candidate: And, in 1989, Charles switched his allegiance to the GOP.

Today in Bob’s world, Louisiana and Mississippi looked alike: “Megan” Evers, “Malcolm” Evers, Charles Evers, Medgar Evers were all one and the same, too. Not quite the civil rights account of which Bob’s Dad would be rightly proud. Nor should Bob, his co-hosts, or The Five suits.

*The Five – 06/19/13 (@ 5:38 p.m. ET)

Dana’s “Foolish Mistake”: Stealing $20 from Mom

“I did that once, Mom. Sorry!” The Five co-host Dana Perino admitted Friday that she once had sticky fingers for her mother’s moolah. During a segment on the I.R.S.’s “targeting” of conservative groups during the 2012 campaign period, Dana derided the I.R.S.’s Commissioner’s dismissal of the excessive scrutiny as “foolish mistakes”: Arching her eyebrows, Dana declared, “A foolish mistake is when you take twenty dollars from your Mom’s purse when you really shouldn’t have. That was a foolish mistake.”*

Immediately, co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle interjected, “I never did that!”

Pointing to Dana with his right thumb accusingly, co-host Greg Gutfeld responded, “She did.”

Squinting her eyes at Greg with more than a hint of agitation, Dana confessed, “I did that once, Mom. Sorry!”

The Five‘s naif Dana Perino: I’m not that innocent!

*The Five – 05/1 – 05/18/13 (@ 5:12 p.m. ET)

Bob Beckel: “Did the Beeper Work?”

[That’s] what I’m really worried about.” B***s***? The Five fell strangely silent today during a “live” segment for approximately eleven seconds–with no explanation.* Displacing its polemic panel, an ominous “The Five” star graphic atop a blue background appeared suddenly onscreen. The ghost of Mrs. Grundy?

During this segment, his segment, co-host Eric Bolling posited that “President Obama a/k/a Mr. Transparent [was] rope-a-dope[ing] the press when asked about the Petraeus affair.” When guest co-anchor K.T. McFarland and co-host Bob Beckel began to debate whether President Obama was availing himself of “plausible deniability,” Eric acerbically interjected, “What you really don’t want is the President of the United States to lie, in fact.” Without warning nor explanation, the audio was muted and the screen went blue (with “The Five” star).

After about twelve seconds had elapsed, The Five co-hosts reappeared seemingly tacitly attesting to the rude interruption: Kimberly Guilfoyle laughed as she hid her face in her left hand; Greg Gutfeld chuckled to himself and looked over at Bob in amusement; K.T.  tried to keep her composure as she looked straight ahead and blinked her eyes rapidly; Bob looked into the distance with his mouth agape; and Eric appeared to try to read the teleprompter with feigned gravity.

After praising the military who stood apart from their perchance rogue rakish leaders, Eric seemed to question the credibility of the sexy socialite Jill Kelly who allegedly ignited the inquery and laughing asked roue Bob if he had ever known such an “honorary consul general.” Looking over at Eric, Bob jested, “What I’m really concerned about is did the beeper work?”

Apparently, loathe to acknowledge that The Five might not be exactly live anymore, Eric monotoned, “Did the beeper work?” Slightly smiling, Bob anwered, “Yeah.” Softly, Kimberly unconvincingly interposed, “No.”

Then, as if a producer had whispered in her ear to change the topic posthaste, Kimberly animatedly stammered, “Listen! The beep, this is a woman that I thing we’re going to learn a lot more about.” Tellingly, Greg glanced at the panel bemusedly, chuckled to himself, and beamed back at someone offset.

In the following segment, Greg appeared to translucently reveal the secret of the censored segment. Re President Obama’s view of whether climate change caused Hurricane Sandy, Greg defiantly declared, “He even admits finally  that that’s baloney–or b.s.!”** As Greg began to address Bob, a chuckling Eric looked up from his papers, exclaiming, “Don’t say it!”

Don’t say it indeed, Bob. At least, on air!

*The Five – 11/14/12 (@ 5:19 a.m. ET).

**Ibid at @ 5:29 a.m. ET.

Andrea Tantaros: Yes, I’m in Playboy

“Sorry!” Conservative The Five co-host Andrea Tantaros revealed Thursday that she is in the November 2012 issue of Playboy magazine. In a Tweet to her followers, Greg Gutfeld‘s leggy “Greek olive” teased, “Yes, I’m in Playboy this month.” Subsequently, dashing her acolytes’ amatory ardor, she elaborated, “John Meroney interviews me, Buchanan, Will and others on the world of TV and politics. No photos tho.”

To her disappointed male admirers, Andrea apologized, saying, “Sorry!” Then, as a conciliatory sop to them, she concluded, “So guys, if you get caught with the Playboy, you can finally use the excuse that you’re only reading it for the articles.”

For Andrea’s fervid fans, doubtlessly, little consolation.

[Author’s aside: Ironically, Andrea attacked Playboy three years ago in a post entitled, “Is Misogyny Back in Vogue?” She decried it as having ‘lost all of their sense of humor and their sense of decency by allowing conservative women to become a punching bag–and a punch line–for the left.” Apparently, Playboy has come a long way, baby.]

Proud Perino: “World’s Hottest Grandmother”

“One More Thing”: Do you remember what you call me? The Five co-host Dana Perino finally introduced her Scottish step grandchildren to her FNC fans. More than a year ago, then virgin Fox & Friends Weekend guest-host Dana revealed to her incredulous audience that she was a grandmother, to two Scottish children, Rachel and Sebastian: Furthermore, she mentioned that that they called her “Grandma America.” Yesterday, as The Five‘s ultimate segment concluded, Dana declared, “I have a special “One More Thing”: I have my–believe it or not–my grandchildren from Scotland…Rachel and Sebastian, are here.”

As Dana introduced Rachel and Sebastian, her hubby Peter McMahon (of twelve years) herded their two grandchildren onto the set sub rosa. As the two gathered around Dana at the table, they appeared dazed by the spotlight and virtually mute.

Looking at Rachel tenderly, Dana asked, “Do you remember what you call me?” As Rachel stared blankly ahead, Dana prompted her, saying, “Grandma America. Can you say it?” Looking at her young nana, a smiling Rachel softly answered, “Grandma America.”

Interjecting, co-anchor Greg Gutfeld risquely exclaimed, “World’s hottest grandmother!”

Without acknowledging her co-host’s impertinent compliment, Dana turned to Sebastian and asked whether he had enjoyed his earlier trip to Disney. “Yeah,” he tersely replied. Trying to draw out her  little Silent Cal, Dana queried, “What did you think of the show? This show.” As he looked quizzically at his step nana, Dana quickly declared, “They’re speechless–as are more Americans when they watch this.”

At least, that segment. Speechless that The Five‘s Dana Perino is really a grandmother. Even if “Granda America” is “the world’s hottest grandmother.”

Five’s Juan Williams: “Why is Andrea So Hot?”

Tantaros: “Mrs. Willliams, we like her very much and we’re very appropriate here on The Five.” Yesterday, The Five‘s married co-anchor Juan Williams continued his on-air passes at his sexy single co-host, Andrea Tantaros. On Monday, the randy Juan declared that he would be “delighted” to help Andrea get her errant earring when it slipped down into her dress: two days later, Juan returned to her (and the Five) with his amorous ardor very much intact, musing, “Why is Andrea so hot?”

In the first Five block on Monday, Andrea waxed eloquent as she discussed President Obama and the press. When she had finished opining, her observant co-anchor Greg Gutfeld racily declared, “I have to point out something while you were talking.”* Before he could finish, Andrea knowingly asked, “That my earring fell into my dress?” Laughing, a goatish Greg exclaimed, “Yes!…That was one of the greatest catches of all time. Oh, to be that earring!”

As Juan eyed Andrea’s dress as if with a carnal comic-book-x-ray vision, Greg continued, “Juan, Juan, I got to ask you.” Bawdily, Juan queried, “Are you going to ask me to help her get it?”  When a grinning Greg answered that he was not, Juan wantonly responded, “Oh, oh, oh! Because I would be delighted!” Blushing, Andrea answered, “Okay, Juan! Mrs. Williams, we like her very much and we’re very appropriate here on The Five.”

Perhaps, so. But, two days later on the Five, Juan still had not lost that loving feeling for the damsel Andrea. When a philosophical Greg declared Wednesday that the big question of life was the hereafter, Juan took his opportunity to score a few points with the beauty. Jesting, he queried, ‘That’s the big question? I thought it…[was]…why is Andrea so hot? That’s a big question!”**

*The Five – 08/20/12 (@ 6:04 a.m. ET)

**The Five – 08/22/12 (@ 6:32 a.m. ET)

Bill Hemmer: RE’s “Notorious PAB”

Patti Ann Browne: “Yeah, you know me.”* But, many of America’s Newsroom viewers probably do not know her, i.e., that their demurely dressed guest co-anchor has deigned to moonlight with the demimonde as an FNC late night vixen. To wit, Red Eye host Greg Gutfeld aptly marveled, “She’s so sweet: And, yet, she’s so dirty! The duality of woman!”**

For those who might think that Patti Ann appears to have been plucked from their local PTA, they may well want to remember the Harper Valley version. Only, this prim and proper mommy by day got her groove on after midnight. As her Red Eye appearances show, she can be tough, bawdy, and, oh, so sexy!

Bravo, Bill, for reminding PAB devotees that their dame is “not that innocent.”

[Author’s aside: The title is taken from the exchange between Bill and PAB as the second hour of AN began. Bill queried, “What did they call you, “Notorious PAB” on Red Eye? PAB answered, “They do! Yeah, you know me.”]

*America’s Newsroom – 08/07/12 (@ 9:59 a.m. ET)

**Red Eye – 12/31/08 (Vid – 2:14/2:22)

Dana Perino: “Little Hooters”

“I would never get a job at [Hooters].” The Five co-host Dana Perino showed her saltier side early this week: on Tuesday, President Bush’s rather prim and proper Press Secretary discussed her less than bountiful bosom with uncharacteristic aplomb.* Bawdily, she posited that she could not get a job at Hooters but that she could–at Little Hooters.

During a Five segment Tuesday (transcript), the co-anchors Dana, Greg Gutfeld, Bob Beckel, Andrea Tantaros, and Eric Bolling conversed about a coffee chain being investigated for hiring mainly nubile beauties. As they spoke of various businesses doing likewise, Greg teased Dana, asking, “Dana, unlike me, you’re not gorgeous: Do you feel like you’ve lost out on many TV jobs because of this?”

Self-deprecatingly, Dana riposted, “Let’s give another example–Hooters: I would never get a job there. And there’s a reason.”

Feigning ignorance, Greg impishly replied, “I can’t even ask why.”

Seemingly, somewhat piqued at Greg’s impertinence, Dana responded, “We all know why. Okay? And, I wouldn’t apply either.”

When it was co-host Bob Beckel’s turn to weigh in on the “hotness” hiring controversy, of course, the old goat had to rib Dana all the more: he racily insisted, “Dana, you could have gotten [sic] hired at Hooters if you wanted to.”

Jauntily, Dana rejoined, “Little Hooters.”**

Dana, “Little Hooters”? Maybe. But, you are proving yourself to be one big hoot.

[Author’s aside: When the segment began to conclude, co-anchor Eric Bolling aptly added, “The only thing that’s worthy to get pick[ed] up on by media is ‘I could work at Little Hooters.'”]

*Red Eye – 07/24/12 (approximately 3:35 a.m. ET)

**N.B. LexisNexis News improperly attributes the “Little Hooters” remark to Andrea. However, its transcript evinces the error as it subsequently details Greg’s reply, “That sounds like a restaurant for kids” and Dana’s facetious response, “That’s what I meant.” Furthermore, the Five footage will reflect that fact.

Fox & Friends First: “The Four” Now?

Patti Ann Brown, Ainsley Earhardt, Heather Childers, and Heather Nauert. Possibly, following in the footsteps of The Five, Fox & Friends First may be whittling down its number of initial hosts. As readers may recall, FNC announced the debut of The Five and listed ten rotating co-anchors including the current seven and Monica Crowley, Geraldo Rivera, and Judge Andrew Napolitano: When the Five celebrated its first anniversary last Monday on Fox & Friends, F&F co-anchor Gretchen Carlson noted that its roster had been pared down to seven (the “Magnificent Seven”), i.e., Greg Gutfeld, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Bob Beckel, Andrea Tantaros, Dana Perino, Juan Williams, and Eric Bolling.

In a similar fashion, Fox & Friends First started its new run in March with a slate of co-hosts that included not only the four that seem to be now predominating F&FF airplay qua anchors, i.e., Patti Ann Brown, Ainsley Earhardt, Heather Childers, and Heather Nauert but also Dave Briggs, Juliet Huddy, Julie Banderas, Anna Kooiman, Clayton Morris, Arthel Neville, and Jamie Colby. Even though the author has heard no new F&FF announcement, it’s website may provide a hint: only Patti Ann, Ainsley, and the two Heathers have their FNC bios listed on the official F&FF website.

Five’s Dana Perino: Greg Gutfield “A**hole”

She did a bad, bad thing. The Five‘s co-anchor Dana Perino is not necessarily quite as prim and proper as she may appear on air: Apparently, the former Bush 43 White House Press Secretary learned a certain coarse epithet from her former boss. As politicos may remember, then candidate George W. Bush infamously called a New York Times reporter an “a**hole” in an overheard whisper to his running mate, Dick Cheney: Today, Dana picked up the torch on The Five as she flung the scatological appellation at her co-host Greg Gutfeld with no regrets.

During a segment titled “America’s Shrinking Wealth,” Greg illustrated the sharp decline in American family net worth over the last six years with a photo of a very diminutive Dana juxtaposed to a towering Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. As her co-hosts laughed at the strange sight, a smiling Dana self-deprecatingly said, “I have to say ‘Somebody put me in a dryer when I was little.'” Adding his usual color commentary, co-anchor Bob Beckel remarked, “You [Greg] don’t have the courage to say this, in the break, Dana said–who I’ve known for years, never says a swear word–called you an a-hole.”

Animatedly unapologetic, Dana exclaimed, “And, America agreed!” Interjecting, co-host Andrea Tantaros jested, “And, if you were in Massachusetts, we would fine you $20.” Without a hint of remorse, Dana riposted, “Gladly!”

Blame Bush, Greg.

The Five – 06/12/12 (@ 5:17 p.m. ET)