Bob Out Again: Juan In!

Five: About time? The Five co-host Bob Beckel, the liberal buffoon–who was “likeable enough” as former President Obama might characterize him–was fired Friday, allegedly “making an insensitive remark to an African-American” who reportedly “came to service his computer,” telling [him] that he was leaving his office because he is Black [sic]”: Ironically, unless The Five finds a fill-in, he will apparently be permanently replaced by his alternate liberal co-host, the very likable, knowledgeable African-American Juan Williams who lost his job at NPR for an allegedly “insensitive remark” about Muslims on FNC (O’Reilly Factor.) You cannot make this stuff up.

Self-admitted former substance abuser Bob was known for his cursing and crudeness on The Five but he was like the drunk on the bar stool next to you that amuses you as long as he does not spill beer on you or grab your girlfriend in a fresh fashion. But, he seemed to have a good heart as he mentored those who suffered from substance abuse.

Sometimes Bob’s tomfoolery made for good TV: But, when Juan Williams rotated in for him, the viewer wondered why Juan did not have the liberal seat full-time. In 2015, Bob was let go from The Five with former FNC honcho Bill Shine, saying, “We tried to work with Bob for months, but we couldn’t hold The Five hostage to one’s personal issues. He took tremendous advantage of our generosity, empathy and goodwill and we simply came to the end of the road with him.”  In 2017, Bob returned to the show: FNC chief Rupert Murdoch remarked, “Bob was missed by many fans of The Five and we’re happy to welcome him back to the show.

The author initially found this account re Bob highly suspect. The he remembered that Bob had referred to Chinese as “Chinamen,” a term which he understands that some consider derogatory and others may not. Regardless, it seemed to indicate an insensitivity in that regard. As to the aforementioned account re his latest termination, Bob appears to have crossed the Rubicon re racial remarks in seeming to question the ability of the IT guy because of his race.

When The Five aired later on Friday night, Bob’s name and fate were noticeably not found anywhere on the lips of his co-hosts Kimberly Guilfoyle, Jesse Watters, Dana Perino, or Greg Gutfeld. However, where Bob had last sat was predictably Juan Williams. And, presumably, he will now finally be The Five‘s resident liberal.

Fox News Specialists? Not!

Unless “Specialists” is an FNC euphemism for “not so special” Five. On the positive side, it was Fox News Specialists co-hosts Eric Bolling, Eboni Williams, and Katherine Timpf‘s virgin show so they and the producers may have a honeymoon to work out the kinks with viewers who are accustomed to a livelier, sexier, and, quite frankly, much sharper The Five (which, thankfully, will air at 9:00 p.m. tonight to redeem its replacement).

The first thing that caught the author’s eye was the pretentious new solid circular desk that seemed to be designed to suggest a certain Sunday morning news gravitas with the co-anchors safely ensconced behind it: No much needed “leg chair” there today to spice up the show a la The Five at the five o’clock hour! As to the their heralded “specialists” guests, billionaire and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban and Showtime’s “The Circus” co-producer and co-host Mark McKinnon, they were not bad, and they provided their usual political perspectives: But, one can see them as guests oft on almost any FNC show of note.

There were no scintillating debates as one would expect on The Five or even on Outnumbered: Sadly, it felt like merely time filler for this FNC viewer. Hopefully, the show was not a harbinger of what is to come for the inaptly named Fox News Specialists or the network itself as it seems to be transmogrifying from Rupert Murdoch’s juggernaut FNC to his sons James and Lachlan’s “gentler and kinder” Fox News.

“The Fox News Specialists” needs to up its game as does Fox News or its rumored future more conservative rival may do what CNN and MSNBC have not been able to do thus far, i.e., take it down a notch or two.

As the show concluded, McKinnon said, “Five o’clock will never be the same again.” The author fears that he might just be right.

“The Fox News Specialists”: Really?

Five O’Clock Somewhere might strike a more resonant chord with long-time Five fans whose show has moved to prime time (9 p.m. ET). The Five‘s replacement show as of Monday (May 1), “Fox News Specialists,” sounds somewhat supercilious at best and downright condescending to faithful, informed FNC viewers who probably know almost as much or possibly even more than the newly named co-hosts Eric Bolling, Eboni Williams, and Katherine Timpf.

Eric deserves the five o’clock slot if anyone does: Eric has held the Five center seat with distinction and promoted The Five diurnally by pointing to his left hand with all five “fingers” (including his thumb) extended at the end of virtually every show–not to mention, he’s a smart cookie who also anchors Cashin’ In on Saturday mornings (11:30 a.m. ET). As for Eboni, she’s has been a regular on Outnumbered who has a sharp legal mind, good common sense, and distinct feminine pulchritude. As to Katherine, she is smart and sexy, too, but she can be annoying with her millennial snark as she frequently has evidenced on Red Eye and the Greg Gutfeld Show.

“News Specialists” sounds more like an obnoxious MSNBC show that might be hosted by Mika Brzezenski  of Morning Joe who infamously said, “[Trump] is trying to undermine the media and trying to make up his own facts. He could have undermined the messaging so much that he can actually control exactly what people think. That is our job.”

Eric, Eboni, and Katherine, it’s not Mika’s job, and it’s not your job. As you all well know, your job is to report and to let your audience decide. And, when you and your colleagues do it well, every viewer is a “Fox News Specialist.”

Break a leg! Hopefully, it’s “five o’clock somewhere”!

O’Reilly Out: Carlson In

Five replaces Carlson; Bolling replaces Five; and Watters replaces Bolling. Yesterday, FNC honcho Rupert Murdoch “caved”: Joined his boys James and Lachlan in dethroning the King of Cable Bill O’Reilly (statement)–while O’Reilly was on vacation. And, O’Reilly did not get the last word on his once eponymous show last night newly named simply The Factor.

Rather, The Factor fill-in host Dana Perino solemnly declared, “Finally, tonight, it is the end of an era here at the Fox News Channel….Bill O’Reilly is leaving this chair and this network after more than twenty years. Bill has been the undisputed king of cable news, and for good reason: He is an incredibly talented broadcaster who raised the bar for interviewers everywhere; he has also held his staff to exacting standards in his quest to put the best possible program on the air and they are great; and you his audience responded in record numbers making The Factor the number one cable news show for more than sixteen years.” Trying to soften the blow to O’Reilly’s fans further, Dana declared, “In a memo to the staff today, Rupert, James, and Lachlan Murdoch who run Fox News described Bill this way, [saying], “By ratings standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news. In fact, his success by any measure is indisputable. We wish him the very best.”

Even though the Murdochs recently re-signed their FNC flagship anchor and top revenue generator to an 18-million-per-year contract, they decided to  jettison O’Reilly amid the continuing allegations of sexual harassment. According to the New York Times, Fox luminaries Rebecca Gomez (2011), Laurie Dhue (2016), and Juliet Huddy (2016) have received settlements: Furthermore, reportedly, erstwhile Outnumbered regular Andrea Tantaros‘s psychologist Michele Berdy said under oath that Andrea “complained to me about recurring unwanted advances from Bill O’Reilly.” To boot, the New York Daily News reported, “On the day before he [O’Reilly] was booted, a black colleague said a leering O’Reilly shamelessly ogled her cleavage and nicknamed her ‘Hot Chocolate.'”

Not amused, O’Reilly responded to his firing, saying, “It is tremendously disheartening that we [Fox News and O’Reilly] part ways due to completely unfounded claims. But that is the unfortunate reality many of us in the public eye must live with today. I will always look back on my time at Fox with great pride in the unprecedented success we achieved and with my deepest gratitude to all my dedicated viewers.” [For full statement, link here.]

As to O’Reilly’s dedicated viewers, they will now have “a new evening and prime time lineup” according to Fox News. As of Monday (April 24),  Tucker Carlson Tonight will replace the recently renamed O’Reilly Factor (to The Factor); The Five will follow with the usual cast of Kimberly Guilfoyle, Greg Gutfeld, Dana Perino, Juan Williams, and Bob Beckel with the addition of Jesse Watters to take Eric Bolling‘s middle chair (April 24); Bolling gets his own show in the old The Five slot at 5:00 p.m. ET (May 1).

Coaxing his own Tucker Carlson Tonight viewers to make the jump to the new time last night, Tucker concluded his show saying, “There is change coming to Fox News, the channel and to this program: Starting Monday, we are moving to 8 p.m. Eastern Time. You’ve made the journey with us from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m.: We hope you’ll come along once more and join us an hour earlier.” Graciously, he aptly added, “We’ve got big shoes to fill: We’re going to do our best.”

Indeed, Tucker does have big shoes to fill: Whether O’Reilly devotees will give Tucker that chance remains to be known. And, to whether FNC fans cotton to James and Lachlan’s kinder, gentler Fox News is another issue altogether: Their father Rupert had the Midas touch with his “Mad Men” mentality. Going PC may be FNC’s folly: Alchemy in reverse.

Rude Beckel Unrepentant

Cursing & Boorish Bob: “I’m going to continue to say Comrade Trump!” Yes, The Five co-host Bob Beckel continues to show his ass to The Five fans. He certainly learned little from his liberal, articulate, and debonair successor/predecessor The Five co-host Juan Williams who exhibited real respect and class even with those with whom he disagreed.

Unsurprising, Bob had to be bleeped once in the show as his brilliant, beautiful co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle raised her hand toward her face in disgust and disbelief that Beckel was up to his old tricks again.

But, Beckel was not done. As the show ended with its “One More Thing” segment, Beckel barked, “Alright, I’m going to change my “One More Thing” here, and I’ve been yelled at already by the producer (apparently, for his bleeped expletive).”* Condescendingly to his The Five viewers, he commented, “Let me explain something about The Five. I’ve been here at the beginning and then took a sabbatical. But, this has always been an opinion show.” Looking into the camera at his detractors, Beckel retorted, “For those of you who have inundated me with how if I would get off this show, it would get a lot better. I understand that: It’s fine. I can handle that.”

Continuing his rant, Beckel bellowed, “But, let me explain something to you: If you want to go and find something that is all one way, you can go to another network. Don’t come here because I’m going to continue to say, ‘Comrade Trump’!” Interrupting Beckel as the show concluded, co-anchor Greg Gutfeld aptly shouted, “Bob, gotta go!”

And, unless Bob changes his stripes, maybe, he will once again.

[Author’s aside: Beckel’s abrasive reply to The Five fans may have also been a less than a subtle shot at the author’s Carpe Diem article entitled “Bob Beckel: Comrade Trump.”]

*The Five – 02/22/17 (@ 5:59 p.m. ET).

Bob Beckel: “Comrade Trump”

Showing his backside once again. Bring back Juan! Five co-host Bob Beckel once again showed his uncivil side by referring to the President of the United States as Comrade Trump during a discussion of POTUS’ pick of Lt. General H. R. McMaster as national security advisor. Proclaiming the general a “real hero during the Desert War,” he then acerbically remarked, “He’s known as a fiscal hawk; I mean, he wants to spend a lot of money as does Comrade Trump.”* Chastening her disrespectful colleague, co-anchor Dana Perino exclaimed, “Bob!” Echoing Dana’s reproof, co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle chided, “Bob!” Turning to Bob, co-anchor Eric Bolling upbraided him, saying, “Can we just, can we stop with Comrade Trump? Can we do it?” Responding in an unusually surly fashion, Bob answered, “No! No! No!”

Requesting a soupcon of civility, Eric asked, “Can we just, just for right now? Can we do it?” For the man who saved his life (from choking), he replied, “For right now? Okay, for you I’ll do it for right now.” Optimistically, Eric responded, “Let’s try it one show at a time!” Unfortunately, being truthful, Bob answered, “Well, I won’t commit to that! I said it to this question.”

Bring back co-anchor Juan Williams! If Bob will not be respectful to the President of the United States of America and derides him as Comrade Trump on an FNC opinion/news show, perhaps, he should leave The Five again or get some common comity. Liberal, civil, brilliant Juan Williams can always easily fill that chair with real class.

*The Five – 02/20/16 (@ 5:03 p.m. ET).

Beckel’s Sobering Experience: A Husband’s .45

Bob: “God, I don’t know if you exist: But, if you do, it’s the last drink I’ll ever have. And, it was.” Tonight, The Five recently returned co-host Bob Beckel revealed his conversion experience of going from a drinker to a teetotaler. It was an angry husband’s .45 that did not fire.

In the “Friend Zone” segment tonight on his eponymous show, Tucker Carlson Tonight, Tucker interviewed Bob who penned his autobiography, “I Should Be Dead: My Life Surviving Politics, TV, and Addition.” To his colleague, Tucker queried, “One question I’ve never asked in you all these years, what were the circumstances of your getting sober?”* Looking away from the camera for a moment and then returning to its gaze with a mischievous smile, Bob answered, “Well, I’ll tell you, Tuck….I was at a bar in southern Maryland, a biker bar, which was the kind of place I used to hang out, trying to pick up this woman at the bar.” Elaborating, he said, “And, I had this feeling that there was something behind me. And, I turned around and there was a guy with a .45 pointed right at my face–and he pulled the trigger. It was her husband!”

Continuing, Bob explained, “And, he pulled the trigger and he had not chambered the bullet, thank God. So, somebody grabbed him from behind and the second [sic] bullet blew a three-foot hole in the ceiling. And, they threw me out in the parking lot. Just before I passed out, I said, “God, I don’t know if you exist: But, if you do, it’s the last drink I’ll ever have. And it was!…Seventeen years, six days.”

Bob Beckel: As always, colorful. Congratulations, Bob!

*Tucker Carlson Tonight – 01/25/17 (9:52 p.m. ET).

Uncensored Dana: “Fu**ing Camel”!

Greg: “Could you watch your language, young lady?” Riding a camel with her The Five co-host Greg Gutfeld, Dana Perino sounded a mite like her former co-host Bob Beckel today. In a vid clip aired from their visit to the Columbus Zoo on their bus tour to Cleveland, Ohio, for the GOP Presidential convention, Dana got somewhat salty in her language. After The Five co-anchors watched the “free-range” lions who were not to be fed according to the zookeeper’s orders to Greg, Dana mounted the dromedary and then Greg struggled mightily to get on behind her.

Bizarrely, or, perchance, after a few drinks of her fave vino, Dana unsympathetically exclaimed, “It isn’t, it’s not a fu**ing camel!”*

Chastening his usually chaste co-host on her vulgarity but not her inanity, Greg irascibly retorted, “Could you watch your language, young lady?”

Strangely, producers did not bleep out Dana’s obscenity. But, perhaps, they wanted to proclaim to viewers that Dana is no priggish prude: Rather, she can get naughty on occasion–but, probably, not quite like her comely co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle!

*The Five – 07/18/16 (@ 5:40 p.m. ET).

Update: J$P (Johnny Dollar’s Place) vid link: http://video.foxnews.com/v/video-embed.html?video_id=5040699610001

 

Steve Doocy: “Please laugh!”

Jeb Bush: “Please Clap!” This morning, Fox & Friends seemed to signal the end of the Jeb Bush candidacy to be the Presidential standard barrier for the GOP. Not that “JEB!” necessarily needed the hint.

Today, F&F seemed to indicate Bush 3 was toast–as if anyone else needed to know, too. At the bottom of the first F&F hour, producers aired a segment of “The Tonight Show” Jimmy Fallon ridiculing Bush scion “JEB!” as someone who “still knows how to work a crowd.”* In the painful snippet, Jeb said, “I think the next President needs to be a lot quieter but send a signal that we’re prepared to act in the national security interests of this country: To get back in the business of creating a more peaceful world. Please clap!”

After Fallon bowled over in laughter in the clip after the Bush bumble, he derisively remarked, “For the love of God, can I get a, like an awkward cough, anything, a nod? Can you move? Come on!”

When the camera returned to co-host Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade and co-host Sandra Smith, Steve deadpanned, “Boy, that was funny! Please laugh!”

Ducking his head sheepishly, Brian replied, “Right!” Chiming in, Sandra exclaimed, “Uncomfortable!” Coming to the defense of the brother of his sometimes golfing buddy, 43, Brian stammered, “Well, look! In some polls, he’s as high as uh, uh second place in New Hampshire.”

Incredulous, Steve retorted, “Really? What polls?”

Smiling unconvincingly, Brian replied, “He’s coming up!”

Chiding Steve for his frankness, a smiling Sandra chided, “Now! Now!”

Poor JEB! When his only defense is from Kilmeade, a “W” acolyte a la former White House press secretary Dana Perino of The Five, things are not looking up for the Bush dynasty. Or, the GOP establishment.

“Please clap!,” or, “please laugh”! That’s the divide of the GOP–and the FNC.

*Fox & Friends – 02/04/16 (@ 6:32 a.m. ET).

 

Timpf: Coulter Light?

Katherine: Hillary is a criminal! The Five guest co-host Katherine Timpf came across today as a wannabe hipster mean girl. In her first time as co-anchor of The Five, apparently, the FNC contributor and National Review writer derided Senator Ted Cruz as Trump Lite; dismissed Governor Chris Christie as a virtual has-been a la Al Bundy; derided former Mike Huckabee as an embarrassing, bumbling comedian, and dubbed Dem front runner Secretary Hillary Clinton “a criminal.”

The Five regulars, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Juan Williams, Eric Bolling, and Dana Perino took Katherine in stride initially–when she criticized Cruz: In fact, W.’s self-professed “number one fan,” Dana beamed when Katherine mocked Cruz as Trump Lite and she woefully tried to impersonate him (and said that she was glad that she could not).

In a subsequent segment, Katherine criticized Christie as one who had missed his chance and as one who is “kinda like a dude who peaked in high school that still has some of that confidence but he’s [sic] kinda knows he’s kidding himself.” Not amused at her flippant aspersion, Dana sternly answered, “Hmmm, I disagree. But, we don’t have enough time.”

Later (in a segment about the U.S. accepting Syrian refugee immigration into the U.S.), Katherine mocked Huckabee after a Five clip of the CNN GOP Presidential debater, saying, “If it’s such a doggone good idea to bring people here that we really don’t know who they are and [President] Obama thinks that we’re being un-Christian to not do it, I’ve got a suggestion: Let’s send the first wave of ’em to Chappaqua, Martha’s Vineyard, and the Upper East Side of Manhattan, and to the South Lawn of the White House where we’ll set up a camp. Let’s see how that works out: And, if they behave wonderfully, that’s fine.” Sounding as if she were still on Red Eye rather than a real news show, Katherine sarcastically queried, “Was that kind of a joke? Was he kinda making a joke? It’s always hard to tell is why I don’t know why he makes jokes.  Very nice guy, but was he actually saying that we should send refugees to Martha’s Vineyard?…Even if he’s annoyed by the liberals, I don’t think that he should want terrorists there…Whenever he makes a joke…I’m always just sitting there like “Whah?”

Coming to the defense of her former colleague, Kimberly riposted, “You’re not getting a Christmas card from him for sure!” Defensively, Katherine replied, “I said [that] he was a nice guy, and I really do believe, but that doesn’t mean that you’re great at the, the jokes.” Cuttingly, Kimberly retorted, “That’s what you’re here for!”

But, Katherine’s contretemps were not yet over.

Later, in her very own segment, Katherine moderated a segment entitled, “Hillary Jokes on Campaign Trail: ‘I Don’t Have Horns.” When she turned to Juan about the former Secretary’s jest, he said that Hillary’s style, leadership, and background were the reason people like her. In response, Katherine exclaimed, “I don’t think anyone likes her: I don’t like her!…She’s a criminal….Usually, criminals are, at least, exciting. She’s a criminal and she’s boring: I would rather look at my hand than listen to her speak!”

When the camera panned from a seemingly clueless Katherine to an incredulous Dana, it caught Dana clenching her teeth, arching her eyebrows,  and clenching her arms tightly.

Apparently, trying to throw herself a lifeline, Katherine queried, “Kimberly, you know the Clintons, right?” Blushing and chuckling, Kimberly exclaimed, “Yes!”

Continuing apace, Katherine asked, “Is there anything you like about her, anything about her at all?” Nodding her head naughtily, Kimberly answered, “I like Bill!”

Chiming in mischievously, Eric Bolling chuckled, “He likes you!” Nodding, and reddening all the more, Kimberly responded, “He’s been very good to me. Yes, very nice!”

Changing topics quickly, Kimberly added, “Um, so, Hillary, you know, I’m not a big Hillary Clinton fan: It’s no secret, actually, but for very good reasons….She is not a candidate that I find to be trustworthy, that I find to be competent, or to have excelled in the areas of foreign policy and national security plus as a former prosecutor, I don’t like people who have a loose relationship with the truth and a total disregard and disdain for the laws of the land.”

Concurring, Katherine declared, “Right, and…she’s not even likable while she’s doing it: She’s also boring!”

Long flowing tresses, black hipster glasses, and a short black skirt on a blond beauty may be aesthetically pleasing at FNC: But, they do not an “FNC fox” make. Smarts and not-so-uncommon sense count, too. As WFB spins in his grave, Katherine, you may want to consult the National Review archives for a timely tutorial from that sage, prescient conservative icon on political commentary.

Perino Goes Pe-loco?

Dana accuses her Five co-host Eric Bolling of shady ethics? In a made-for-TV moment yesterday, FNC Five co-host Dana Perino became unhinged as she attacked her co-host Eric Bolling over his defense of the latest entrant to the GOP presidential race, Donald Trump. The caustic exchange left Dana glowering into the camera and a non-too-amused Eric shaking his head at her.

Dana, W’s self-professed number one fan, may just have to recuse herself from the Five for the duration of the election if she is not too careful. The former White House press secretary of President George W. Bush, apparently, can not brook the thought of any unconventional Republican standing in the way of W’s little brother Jeb!‘s ascension to the throne. Approximately, two weeks ago, she was proclaiming that Jeb! basher Senator Rand Paul had “jumped the shark” and appeared gleeful to shiv this libertarian rival on the O’Reilly Factor: Today, she was happy to wield the mace to go at Eric and, by extension, Jeb!’s lastest critic, The Donald.

Actually, it was humorous in a schadenfreude fashion. In the “A block” yesterday [FNC vid], Dana seemed genuinely outraged that co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle and Eric would take the flamboyant billionaire seriously, especially, as to his saying he would build a southern border wall and make Mexico pay it.

In her “A block” segment, Kimberly said that Trump was adopting the “Walmart/Kmart approach” by getting the U.S. to “charge everybody for everything” to “make a profit in America”: Chiming in, Eric endorsed The Donald’s take on getting tough on Mexico (among other countries) and said that he was making the other candidates think. In response, Dana was aghast: Haltingly, she sputtered, “I don’t know what to say.”

Derisively, Dana remarked, “I understand…[that]…it feels good to hear that a President of the United States is going to bring back all of our jobs from China and Japan [but] it is so divorced from reality. As Eric turned toward her, she seemingly took a shot at him, saying, “I think you got to take this more seriously: At least, I do! And, I, I’m surprised at some of the people who actually think that some of this would work, especially, given that their other positions are that, for example, executive actions are not something that we should have; we should not have an imperial Presidency.”

Subsequently, co-hosts Greg Gutfeld and Juan Williams gave their takes, respectively, reducing Trump to an exemplar of hubris and showmanship. When Eric came to Trump’s defense, Juan rejoined, “If you’re a serious Republican, do you think that you are helped with him by having him on the same stage with you?” Eric exclaimed, “Yes! No, no: I don’t think you’re helped personally but I think the America people are helped because now they have to address some of the things that Donald Trump addresses that these guys [other candidates] don’t want to talk about.”

Jumping in, Dana scornfully asked, “[D]o you actually think that…the moderator [in a GOP debate] should say, ‘Mr. Rubio, Trump says that he is going to bring back all of the jobs from China: How do you respond?’ And, like all of the candidates are supposed to respond to that!” Then she snarked, “How actually is Donald Trump’s [sic] going to bring all of the jobs from China!”

Subsequently, turning to Eric, Dana acerbically queried, “How would you answer…’how you would bring all the jobs back from China?'” Eric replied, “First of all, I don’t that Donald ever said that he would bring back all of the jobs from China: But, he, he certainly would bring back some of the jobs from China.”

Outraged at Eric’s impertinence, Dana shouted, “He said it in his speech yesterday!” Accusatorily, she stuttered, “no, th, th, that, covering up for him is actually wrong! And, I understand that you have a deal that you’re trying to work on with him. I saw the Twitter last night! I just don’t see how that’s how any other journalist would be pandering.”

Incredulous, Eric replied, “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

Pointing her finger at Eric, Dana riposted, “Well, you said that you’ve been trying to close the deal for years to be on Celebrity Apprentice!”

As Greg cackled in the background, Eric replied, “Oh, my god, Dana!…I have been friendly with Donald Trump for fifteen years!” Scowling, Dana answered, “You’re the one who was shouting it from the rooftop yesterday!” Agitated all the more, Eric asked, “Are you actually saying that you are going to accuse me of saying that Donald Trump has some good ideas that are resonating with America because I want to be on Celebrity Apprentice?  Please tell me that’s not the case!”

Glowering at Eric, Dana barked, “I am saying that!”

In reply, Eric snapped, “I will tell you unequivocally that is not the case! I can’t be on Celebrity Apprentice anyway: I’m a host at Fox News. I’m not allowed to!…Seven years ago, Donald Trump came to Fox and said, Hey! Can he be on it? And, the boss said, ‘no he can’t!'”

Defending Eric’s honor, Kimberly chimed in saying, “He did ask!”

Still enraged at Dana’s slight, Eric exclaimed, “By the way, by the way, Dana, Dana, Dana, I have way more ethics…than to use this platform which I love!” When Kimberly tried to wrap her segment to end the acrimony, Eric sharply answered, “Stop!” Finishing his point, he said, “I love dearly this Five: I do! I was here from day one, and I hope to be day last!”

Caustically, Dana interrupted, “Oh, guess what! So was I!”

Ending the segment, Kimberly exclaimed, “I’ve had enough! Go to your rooms!”

Clearly ticked, Eric uttered, “Wow!”

As the final shot ended, an angry Dana glowered anew and a miffed Eric shook his head.

Calling into question Eric’s ethics, Dana? Wow! President George W. Bush, this is not your dad’s “kinder and gentler” FNC.

[Author’s aside: After the Five yesterday, Trump Tweeted, “Dear @kimguilfoyle, Thank you so much for your nice words today on @TheFive. Will not be forgotten!” The author has a feeling that Dana’s words may not be forgotten either.]

Gotta Laugh: Dana Pe-RINO Whine-o?

“And the Good News Is”: Rand Paul “has jumped the shark.” No surprise, George W. Bush’s self-proclaimed “number one fan” Dana Pe-Rino (as her Five co-anchor Eric Bolling former dubbed her) used her segment on the O’Reilly Factor to bash maverick Rand Paul, the libertarian, anti-establishment Republican from Kentucky. Now that W. has become more popular that the President in the latest poll, Dana is, apparently, trying to whack his brother Jeb’s rival Rand Paul with an inane allusion to the moment that Happy Days became irrelevant when Fonzi jumped the shark literally–and figuratively.

Dana may love Jasper and W.: But, she seemingly surely hates Ron Paul’s boy.The cute tomboy, who replaced dullard Scott McClellan, but who could never emulate the suave and debonair Ari Fleischer seems to be on a charm offensive on the Five and wherever she shows up on Fox News. But, if she is not careful, she should may well have to disclose her appearances as indirect donations to the the latest Bush iteration for President.

Tonight, on O’Reilly, Dana said that Rand has “jumped the shark.” Maybe, she is guilty of transference: Perchance, it is her beloved Bushes who have “jumped the shark.” After all, Jeb’s momma, Barbara Bush herself, said that the country had had “enough Bushes” in the White House.

“And the Good News Is”: Dana is a Bushie who herself may have jumped the shark as to her credibility with the GOP base.

[Author’s aside: “And the Good News Is” is a reference to Dana’s new book.]

Perino: New Weekly O’Reilly Segment

O’Reilly: “Dana Perino’s top stories of the week!” Pixie pretty Five co-host Dana Perino has a new gig: Following in the tiny footsteps of her dimunitive co-anchor Greg Gutfeld, Dana  has scored a weekly segment on FNC ratings king Bill O’Reilly’s The Factor.  Bettering her little buddy (who enjoys a regular segment entitled “What the Heck Just Happened” with Imus in the Morning executive producer Bernard McGuirk), Dana has her own segment to herself.

Announcing her good news Thursday, Dana Tweeted, “So this is happening. Tonight. New weekly segment w/ @oreillyfactor where we bat around my top stories of the weeks.”

Subsequently, when The Factor aired that night, Bill began Dana’s segment, announcing, “‘Impact Segment’ tonight! Brand new segment: Dana Perino’s top stories of the week!” Introducing her, he exclaimed, “And, here she is! Co-host of The Five, Miss [sic] Perino!” Joking he added, “[Dana’s The Five co-host Bob] Beckel would never get this!”

Congratulations, Dana!

*O’Reilly Factor (second airing) – 03/19/15 (@ 11:14 p.m. ET).

Ainsley: My Cheating Ex

Harris Faulkner: “That man was just a fool!” Strangely Fox & Friends First co-host Ainsley Earhardt was giving thanks a little early for a cheating lover Monday. In a segment on Outnumbered (about a “gene that hurts romance”), an aggrieved Ainsley remarked, “If I had known [about] this study, I would have tested the hair samples of some of the exes that cheated!”

As her Outnumbered co-hosts and #oneluckyguy former NYPD detective Bo Dietl chuckled, Ainsley exclaimed, “It would have told me they had the gene!”

Incredulously, Dietl queried, “They cheated on you?”

Flushed, a chagrined Ainsley admitted, “Well, I had one!”

Chiming in, co-anchor Harris Faulkner declared, “Well, that man was just a fool!”

Somewhat defensively, Ainsley asseverated, “And, listen, it was all good! It’s for the best. Now, I’m married to an amazing guy!”

Ainsley’s “amazing guy”? Former Clemson quarterback hubby Will Proctor. Ainsley’s cheating guy? Possibly, former hubby Kevin Wayne McKinney.

Ouch: Bad boys, don’t mess with a Southern Belle!

*The Five – 11/26/14 (@ 12:58 p.m. ET).

Doocy: Elizabeth “Had Some Surgery”

“She’s going to be out for a couple of weeks.” Where has Elisabeth Hasselbeck been? Today, Fox & Friends co-host Steve Doocy revealed the reason for his co-anchor’s disappearance this morning. However, he was not fully forthcoming.

After welcoming The Five co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle to the center seat on the curvy couch, Steve disclosed the secret of Elisabeth’s absence to the F&F audience, saying, “In case, you were wondering where Elisabeth is today and this week, well, she had some surgery yesterday and she’s going to be out for a couple of weeks.”* Reassuringly, he added, “But, she’s doing just fine [and] she’s on the mend.”

Chiming in, F&F co-anchor Brian Kilmeade elaborated, “But, as you know if you watch the show, she is strong, she is tough, and a better athlete than me. We heard from her last night and she said she is feeling good: So, in a few, in a short time, she’ll be back on the set.”

Notably, neither Steve nor Brian revealed the nature of Elisabeth’s surgery. Perhaps, they both are waiting on Elisabeth herself to do so if, in fact, she decides to do so. Nevertheless, her fans doubtlessly wish the new queen of the F&F curvy couch a full recovery and a swift return.

*Fox & Friends – 10/15/14 (@ 6:01 a.m. E.T.).

Unlike Kilmeade, Eric Mans Up: Apologizes

Bolling: “When I got home, I got the look!” Greta was right: Did The Five co-host Eric Bolling ever “get into so much trouble” for dismissing the ISIS-bombing U.A.E.’s first female fighter pilot as “Boobs on the ground” in a Five segment Wednesday! And, yesterday, he “manned” up and apologized for his offensive jest.

After Eric’s Five co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle introduced the “One More Thing” segment, she called on him immediately. Looking straight into the camera, Eric remarked, “Okay, for my ‘One More Thing’ tonight, I want to go back to yesterday: About this time, I made a joke. When I got home, I got the look–and realized [that] some people didn’t think it was funny at all: I said sorry to my wife, and I apologize to all of you as well.” For emphasis, he added, “I just want to make that very clear!”

If Eric’s apology were not very clear, Kimberly added, “And, you love women, and you have respect for them.” Chastened, Eric concurred, “And, I do.”

Kudos, Eric! Kilmeade could learn from you.

Eric & Greg: “Boobs on the Ground”?

Greta: “Ouch! Oh, man!…They’re going to get into so much trouble over that one!”* Yesterday, The Five co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle saluted a true “femme fatale,” U.A.E. ace Major Mariam Al Mansouri (during the “One Last Thing” segment): The U.A.E.’s first female pilot, who serves as squadron leader, led the American/Arab air strikes as she and the boys wreaked havoc on ISIS on the Syrian front. Instead of celebrating the Major in a part of the world where a woman sometimes cannot even drive and oft has to hide behind a burka, Kimberly’s co-hosts, Greg Gutfeld and Eric Bolling, acting like puerile, pubescent schoolboys, took cheap misogynistic shots.

After Kimberly had lauded Mansouri a/k/a “Lady Liberty” for “raining hell down on ISIS,” Greg jejunely jested, “The problem is after she bombed it, she, she couldn’t park it.” Chuckling, a less than clever Eric punned, “Would that be considered ‘boobs on the ground’ or no?” As Kimberly looked down in incredulity, even the ever bawdy co-anchor Bob Beckel looked on in disbelief, exclaiming, “Did you just say what I thought you said!””

“Boobs on the ground,” Eric? No, just boobs on The Five. And, not the nice kind.

[Author’s aside: The subtitle, supra, refers to the final segment on On the Record with Greta Van Susteren last night: As the show concluded, Greta remarked, “And, live TV, well it can be unpredictable like the discussion on The Five today about the U.A.E.’s first fighter pilot bombing ISIS. Ouch!” After playing the clip of The Five segment describing the aforementioned juvenile exchanges, Greta remarked, “Oh, man! Do you think that the gents on The Five minus Bob should get a do-over on that one? They’re going to get into so much trouble over that one!”]

Kilmeade & Doocy Fails: Ravens’ Rice Jests

Anna Kooiman: “This is so shocking!” Today, Fox & Friends co-hosts Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy both committed major fails this morning in ill-conceived jests as to domestic abuse. After a segment on now erstwhile Baltimore Ravens player Ray Rice‘s apparent elevator assault on his then fiancee (vid via TMZ), Brian joked, “I think the message is [to] ‘take the stairs.'”* As Anna chuckled uncomfortably, Steve rejoined, “The message is when you’re in an elevator, there’s a camera.”

Today, normally surefooted Brian and Steve weighed into an area where any angel should fear to tread, i.e., domestic abuse and a cheap laugh. Obviously, assaulting a female is no joke and never should be treated as such. Unfortunately, Brian tried to add some levity after the horrific video and it fell fatefully flat: To make matters worse, Steve weighed in and was mired in the process.

For this longtime viewer of the show (dating back to when whilom F&F co-host E. D. Hill was E. D. Donahey), the aforementioned moment was definitely cringe-inducing. Even though the author assuredly does not believe that either Brian or Steve think that domestic abuse is a laughing matter, they should have known better this morning than to not let their condemnation of it be patently obvious and severe. Unfortunately, in the author’s view, Brian did not help matters by giving NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell virtual absolution for his bone-headed decision to give Ray Rice only a two-game suspension for his alleged assault–by commenting that Goodell had owned up to his “huge mistake” and had increased future penalties for domestic abuse to a six-game suspension for the first offense and a life-time ban for a second offense: Perchance, if Brian were not the FNC sports guy and former Fox News anchor Jane Skinner were not Goodell’s wife, Brian might have been less charitable in his assessment.

Happily, according to the Washington Post, “Fox & Friends will address [the] Ray Rice ‘stairs’ comments on Tuesday’s show.” And they should–because it is the right thing to do. And, for the cynical, if they do not, Fox News critics will use Brian and Steve’s ill-advised remarks to slam them and their network mercilessly henceforth.

[Author’s aside: Re the subtitle, it is guest co-host Anna Kooiman‘s assessment of the alleged assault before Brian and Steve’s errant extemporaneous utterances.]

*Fox & Friends – 09/08/14 (@ 8:32 a.m. ET).

Aly Debuts on CNN Tonight!

Not the best fit: But, a good start. Last night, former Fox & Friends Weekend co-anchor Alisyn Camerota made her grand debut on CNN–on CNN Tonight. Giving her fans little notice, she Tweeted an early evening missive, saying, “Thanks for asking when I’ll be back on-the-air. The answer is…tonight. 10pm – midnight et.w/@donlemon on #CNN. Hope you’ll tune in.” Of course, this long-time fan of Aly did just that.

As the two-hour special began, co-anchor Don Lemon and Aly introduced themselves and the two stories of the night, the downing of the Malaysian airline in the Ukraine and the “Showdown in Gaza.” Then, Don turned to Aly, saying, “And, Alisyn, I want to welcome you to CNN. It is an honor to work with you tonight, and it’s good to have you here.” Smiling, Aly answered, “Thanks so much! I’m happy to be here on such an important story.”*

As always, Aly was on her game–prescient, incisive, and sure-footed. However, she and Don seemed as if they were feeling each other out. And, Don appeared not necessarily quite ready to accede to Aly her equal billing.

According to Politico, Aly, Don, and New Day co-host Chris Cuomo have piloted a show called “The 10 o’clock Show”–perhaps, a play on FNC’s The Five. Last night, adventitiously or not, Chris appeared on CNN Tonight and Aly commended him on his “great reporting.” In the author’s opinion, Aly, Don, and Chris seem like an odd platonic melange a trois for a CNN evening whereas Aly, John Berman, and Kiran Chetry would make for a much more dynamic trio at the dawn of a “New Day.”

*CNN Tonight – 07/18/14 (@ 10:01 p.m. ET).

Big Bad Bob Explains Brace

Five’s Beckel: “Some jerk outside starts talking about my politics.” Yesterday, The Five‘s boisterous, bumptious co-host Bob Beckel appeared on FNC anchor Howard Kurtz’s Media Buzz. And, the old New York brawler proudly explained to his Five fans that he’s not afraid to rumble–and how he got that new brace on his right hand.

Introducing his taped interview with Bob in a segment entitled “Beckel vs. The Right (vid),” Kurtz remarked, “Anyone who watches The Five knows that Bob Beckel is outnumbered on that show: The former Democratic strategist carries the liberal banner at five o’clock and has the scars to show for it. But, I had to change my first question the moment I saw him in New York.”

Subsequently, the on-vid Kurtz welcomes Bob, remarking, “I can’t help but notice that your hand is bandaged. Did you finally get fed up at the Five and take a swing at somebody?

Shaking his head with a slight smile, Bob answered, “No, I didn’t! I didn’t. Somebody gave me a little heat outside!”

Wanting his viewers to see Bob’s brace closer, Kurtz said, “Let’s see that! Let’s see it!”

Raising his right hand high in response, Bob displayed his braced and bandaged hand. Re his injury, Bob remarked, “Well, it’s, it’s like this. I mean, so I got dislocated fingers.”

Continuing his anecdote like a seasoned raconteur, Bob elaborated, “Some jerk outside starts talking about my politics: He can’t stand it, right….It happens to me all the time: But, this guy kept pushing me and pushing me and pushing me so I gave him a little tap back. And that was it. And, then I dislocated my fingers–which proves that you never want to fight, right.”

Concluding his tale with a smile, Bob declared, “And, I’m too old for this stuff, Howard! I mean…it’s no good!”

But, Bob, it does make a good story.