FBN:AM “Shining” Twin?

Riva Gold: Yes, she’s a little scary but, a barrette would make her even more so. Yes, Wall Street Journal markets reporter Riva Gold seems quite competent at what she does in the final segment of FBN:AM: But, truth be told she seems unnerving. The first time the author saw her he thought he was watching a little girl give a grownup report with a sense of Stanley Kubrick lurking in the background filming his sequel to The Shining.

Riva seems rather good at reporting the global market scene: But, she does so in an unnerving fashion–especially, so early in the morn. Riva, please go to a trusted, high-end hair stylist to get a cut that suggests a more welcoming TV personality look. Otherwise, FBN:AM fans will not want to “come play with [you] forever and ever and ever” (vid).

FBN:AM‘s finale? Eyes Wide Shut!

[Author’s aside: Ever since the Greek goddess Nicole Petallides has left the FBN:AM building and the politically correct table was added to obscure the gorgeous gams of the gal co-hosts, FBN:AM fans have had less and less reason to tune in. And, the new Shining reporter makes them even more likely to do so until she ups her game.]

Shep de Sade: Kubrick’s Clare Quilty?

The Marquis is back! However, Studio B‘s Shepard Smith de Sade reappeared as the spent, jaded Clare Quilty as he reran his evil tired tripe, i.e., the Trampoline Bear video today. He seemed almost desperate to find anew that thrill that now eluded him and that Viagra could not even bring back. With a stone face and a monotone delivery, he announced, “Bear Alert.”*

Before polluting Fox News’ airwaves again with his favorite animal cruelty cine, he showed an adorable black bear cub chowing down on garbage in a Georgia driveway. After doing so, he cautioned, “While cute, the local sheriff is warning residents ‘do not leave food out for the bears.'” Then, as he aired once again the Trampoline Bear clip (of a black bear falling from a tree onto a trampoline, being propelled high into the air, and then crashing headfirst into the ground), Shep cackled, “And, of course, trampolines are always–ha, ha, ha, ha, ha–trampolines are always a great deterrent.”

Poor Shepard Smith was more of a sad spectacle today than even his Trampoline Bear.

Update: Perhaps, Shep changed his prescription to Cialis or Levitra after Studio B. For his Fox Report, he tried again to find his thrill and prematurely injected his “Bear Alert” at mid-show.** However, this time he seemed to, at least, fake a bit more enthusiasm as the video climaxed, as almost verbatim he repeated, “And, of course, trampolines are always an excellent deterrent.”

*Studio B with Shepard Smith – 08/12/10 (@3:59 p.m. ET)

**Fox Report with Shepard Smith – 08/12/10 (@7:29 p.m. ET)