Posts Tagged ‘The Five’

Ainsley: My Cheating Ex

November 26, 2014

Harris Faulkner: “That man was just a fool!” Strangely Fox & Friends First co-host Ainsley Earhardt was giving thanks a little early for a cheating lover Monday. In a segment on Outnumbered (about a “gene that hurts romance”), an aggrieved Ainsley remarked, “If I had known [about] this study, I would have tested the hair samples of some of the exes that cheated!”

As her Outnumbered co-hosts and #oneluckyguy former NYPD detective Bo Dietl chuckled, Ainsley exclaimed, “It would have told me they had the gene!”

Incredulously, Dietl queried, “They cheated on you?”

Flushed, a chagrined Ainsley admitted, “Well, I had one!”

Chiming in, co-anchor Harris Faulkner declared, “Well, that man was just a fool!”

Somewhat defensively, Ainsley asseverated, “And, listen, it was all good! It’s for the best. Now, I’m married to an amazing guy!”

Ainsley’s “amazing guy”? Former Clemson quarterback hubby Will Proctor. Ainsley’s cheating guy? Possibly, former hubby Kevin Wayne McKinney.

Ouch: Bad boys, don’t mess with a Southern Belle!

*The Five – 11/26/14 (@ 12:58 p.m. ET).

Doocy: Elizabeth “Had Some Surgery”

October 15, 2014

“She’s going to be out for a couple of weeks.” Where has Elisabeth Hasselbeck been? Today, Fox & Friends co-host Steve Doocy revealed the reason for his co-anchor’s disappearance this morning. However, he was not fully forthcoming.

After welcoming The Five co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle to the center seat on the curvy couch, Steve disclosed the secret of Elisabeth’s absence to the F&F audience, saying, “In case, you were wondering where Elisabeth is today and this week, well, she had some surgery yesterday and she’s going to be out for a couple of weeks.”* Reassuringly, he added, “But, she’s doing just fine [and] she’s on the mend.”

Chiming in, F&F co-anchor Brian Kilmeade elaborated, “But, as you know if you watch the show, she is strong, she is tough, and a better athlete than me. We heard from her last night and she said she is feeling good: So, in a few, in a short time, she’ll be back on the set.”

Notably, neither Steve nor Brian revealed the nature of Elisabeth’s surgery. Perhaps, they both are waiting on Elisabeth herself to do so if, in fact, she decides to do so. Nevertheless, her fans doubtlessly wish the new queen of the F&F curvy couch a full recovery and a swift return.

*Fox & Friends – 10/15/14 (@ 6:01 a.m. E.T.).

Unlike Kilmeade, Eric Mans Up: Apologizes

September 26, 2014

Bolling: “When I got home, I got the look!” Greta was right: Did The Five co-host Eric Bolling ever “get into so much trouble” for dismissing the ISIS-bombing U.A.E.’s first female fighter pilot as “Boobs on the ground” in a Five segment Wednesday! And, yesterday, he “manned” up and apologized for his offensive jest.

After Eric’s Five co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle introduced the “One More Thing” segment, she called on him immediately. Looking straight into the camera, Eric remarked, “Okay, for my ‘One More Thing’ tonight, I want to go back to yesterday: About this time, I made a joke. When I got home, I got the look–and realized [that] some people didn’t think it was funny at all: I said sorry to my wife, and I apologize to all of you as well.” For emphasis, he added, “I just want to make that very clear!”

If Eric’s apology were not very clear, Kimberly added, “And, you love women, and you have respect for them.” Chastened, Eric concurred, “And, I do.”

Kudos, Eric! Kilmeade could learn from you.

Eric & Greg: “Boobs on the Ground”?

September 25, 2014

Greta: “Ouch! Oh, man!…They’re going to get into so much trouble over that one!”* Yesterday, The Five co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle saluted a true “femme fatale,” U.A.E. ace Major Mariam Al Mansouri (during the “One Last Thing” segment): The U.A.E.’s first female pilot, who serves as squadron leader, led the American/Arab air strikes as she and the boys wreaked havoc on ISIS on the Syrian front. Instead of celebrating the Major in a part of the world where a woman sometimes cannot even drive and oft has to hide behind a burka, Kimberly’s co-hosts, Greg Gutfeld and Eric Bolling, acting like puerile, pubescent schoolboys, took cheap misogynistic shots.

After Kimberly had lauded Mansouri a/k/a “Lady Liberty” for “raining hell down on ISIS,” Greg jejunely jested, “The problem is after she bombed it, she, she couldn’t park it.” Chuckling, a less than clever Eric punned, “Would that be considered ‘boobs on the ground’ or no?” As Kimberly looked down in incredulity, even the ever bawdy co-anchor Bob Beckel looked on in disbelief, exclaiming, “Did you just say what I thought you said!””

“Boobs on the ground,” Eric? No, just boobs on The Five. And, not the nice kind.

[Author’s aside: The subtitle, supra, refers to the final segment on On the Record with Greta Van Susteren last night: As the show concluded, Greta remarked, “And, live TV, well it can be unpredictable like the discussion on The Five today about the U.A.E.’s first fighter pilot bombing ISIS. Ouch!” After playing the clip of The Five segment describing the aforementioned juvenile exchanges, Greta remarked, “Oh, man! Do you think that the gents on The Five minus Bob should get a do-over on that one? They’re going to get into so much trouble over that one!”]

Kilmeade & Doocy Fails: Ravens’ Rice Jests

September 8, 2014

Anna Kooiman: “This is so shocking!” Today, Fox & Friends co-hosts Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy both committed major fails this morning in ill-conceived jests as to domestic abuse. After a segment on now erstwhile Baltimore Ravens player Ray Rice‘s apparent elevator assault on his then fiancee (vid via TMZ), Brian joked, “I think the message is [to] ‘take the stairs.'”* As Anna chuckled uncomfortably, Steve rejoined, “The message is when you’re in an elevator, there’s a camera.”

Today, normally surefooted Brian and Steve weighed into an area where any angel should fear to tread, i.e., domestic abuse and a cheap laugh. Obviously, assaulting a female is no joke and never should be treated as such. Unfortunately, Brian tried to add some levity after the horrific video and it fell fatefully flat: To make matters worse, Steve weighed in and was mired in the process.

For this longtime viewer of the show (dating back to when whilom F&F co-host E. D. Hill was E. D. Donahey), the aforementioned moment was definitely cringe-inducing. Even though the author assuredly does not believe that either Brian or Steve think that domestic abuse is a laughing matter, they should have known better this morning than to not let their condemnation of it be patently obvious and severe. Unfortunately, in the author’s view, Brian did not help matters by giving NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell virtual absolution for his bone-headed decision to give Ray Rice only a two-game suspension for his alleged assault–by commenting that Goodell had owned up to his “huge mistake” and had increased future penalties for domestic abuse to a six-game suspension for the first offense and a life-time ban for a second offense: Perchance, if Brian were not the FNC sports guy and former Fox News anchor Jane Skinner were not Goodell’s wife, Brian might have been less charitable in his assessment.

Happily, according to the Washington Post, “Fox & Friends will address [the] Ray Rice ‘stairs’ comments on Tuesday’s show.” And they should–because it is the right thing to do. And, for the cynical, if they do not, Fox News critics will use Brian and Steve’s ill-advised remarks to slam them and their network mercilessly henceforth.

[Author’s aside: Re the subtitle, it is guest co-host Anna Kooiman‘s assessment of the alleged assault before Brian and Steve’s errant extemporaneous utterances.]

*Fox & Friends – 09/08/14 (@ 8:32 a.m. ET).

Aly Debuts on CNN Tonight!

July 19, 2014

Not the best fit: But, a good start. Last night, former Fox & Friends Weekend co-anchor Alisyn Camerota made her grand debut on CNN–on CNN Tonight. Giving her fans little notice, she Tweeted an early evening missive, saying, “Thanks for asking when I’ll be back on-the-air. The answer is…tonight. 10pm – midnight et.w/@donlemon on #CNN. Hope you’ll tune in.” Of course, this long-time fan of Aly did just that.

As the two-hour special began, co-anchor Don Lemon and Aly introduced themselves and the two stories of the night, the downing of the Malaysian airline in the Ukraine and the “Showdown in Gaza.” Then, Don turned to Aly, saying, “And, Alisyn, I want to welcome you to CNN. It is an honor to work with you tonight, and it’s good to have you here.” Smiling, Aly answered, “Thanks so much! I’m happy to be here on such an important story.”*

As always, Aly was on her game–prescient, incisive, and sure-footed. However, she and Don seemed as if they were feeling each other out. And, Don appeared not necessarily quite ready to accede to Aly her equal billing.

According to Politico
, Aly, Don, and New Day co-host Chris Cuomo have piloted a show called “The 10 o’clock Show”–perhaps, a play on FNC’s The Five. Last night, adventitiously or not, Chris appeared on CNN Tonight and Aly commended him on his “great reporting.” In the author’s opinion, Aly, Don, and Chris seem like an odd platonic melange a trois for a CNN evening whereas Aly, John Berman, and Kiran Chetry would make for a much more dynamic trio at the dawn of a “New Day.”

*CNN Tonight – 07/18/14 (@ 10:01 p.m. ET).

Big Bad Bob Explains Brace

April 7, 2014

Five’s Beckel: “Some jerk outside starts talking about my politics.” Yesterday, The Five‘s boisterous, bumptious co-host Bob Beckel appeared on FNC anchor Howard Kurtz’s Media Buzz. And, the old New York brawler proudly explained to his Five fans that he’s not afraid to rumble–and how he got that new brace on his right hand.

Introducing his taped interview with Bob in a segment entitled “Beckel vs. The Right (vid),” Kurtz remarked, “Anyone who watches The Five knows that Bob Beckel is outnumbered on that show: The former Democratic strategist carries the liberal banner at five o’clock and has the scars to show for it. But, I had to change my first question the moment I saw him in New York.”

Subsequently, the on-vid Kurtz welcomes Bob, remarking, “I can’t help but notice that your hand is bandaged. Did you finally get fed up at the Five and take a swing at somebody?

Shaking his head with a slight smile, Bob answered, “No, I didn’t! I didn’t. Somebody gave me a little heat outside!”

Wanting his viewers to see Bob’s brace closer, Kurtz said, “Let’s see that! Let’s see it!”

Raising his right hand high in response, Bob displayed his braced and bandaged hand. Re his injury, Bob remarked, “Well, it’s, it’s like this. I mean, so I got dislocated fingers.”

Continuing his anecdote like a seasoned raconteur, Bob elaborated, “Some jerk outside starts talking about my politics: He can’t stand it, right….It happens to me all the time: But, this guy kept pushing me and pushing me and pushing me so I gave him a little tap back. And that was it. And, then I dislocated my fingers–which proves that you never want to fight, right.”

Concluding his tale with a smile, Bob declared, “And, I’m too old for this stuff, Howard! I mean…it’s no good!”

But, Bob, it does make a good story.

Five’s Bolling: Hasselbeck Hotter than Gretchen?

September 14, 2013

F&F’s Kilmeade: Carlson “gets a week off and then she’s back in action.” Oops! FNC Five anchor Eric Bolling and Brian Kilmeade may have been a bit too candid about the co-host change at Fox & Friends and the debut date of Gretchen Carlson‘s new FNC show Thursday.

In the penultimate segment of the Five (September 12), Eric announced that blond beauty “Elisabeth Hasselbeck will join the [F&F] team” on the following Monday.* As a frequent F&F fill-in co-host, Eric seemed especially excited to have her aboard, exclaiming, “She’s definitely bringing up the hotness chart on, on the Fox & Friends.”** Appearing to catch Eric’s seemingly unwitting slight of Gretchen who would leave her seat on the curvy couch the very next day, Five co-anchor Andrea Tantaros groaned, “Hey! Ohhh!”

Coming to Gretchen’s seeming succor, also, Five co-host Dana Perino intoned, “I’m excited for Gretchen, too, because she’ll have a show, uh, I guess, sometime during the day.” Interjecting immediately, Five guest co-host Brian Kilmeade replied, “Yeah! Sometime during the day, they’re going to announce this week that she gets a week off and then she’s back in action.” Appearing to try to cover for Brian’s apparent faux pas, Dana asked, “Just a week?” Smiling sheepishly, Brian replied, “Yeah, I think.”

On Thursday, it was definitely five o’clock at Fox News: In vino veritas, Eric and Brian? Elisabeth might not mind but Gretchen just might.

*The Five – 09/12/13 (@ 5:49 p.m. ET).

**Ibid at @ 5:51 p.m. ET.

Five’s Beckel: Hey, Gum This, Andrea Tantaros!

August 28, 2013

Kimberly Guilfoyle: “Bob…do you know what you just said!” Today, The Five unfiltered co-host Bob Beckel took his hyper-sexual schtick to a whole new level–at the expense of his co-anchor Andrea Tantaros. When the Greek beauty tried to conclude her segment timely this afternoon (on the “Red Line in Syria”) and tease the next block, Bob babbled on: Seemingly irritated at his puerile solipsism, Andrea chided, “Bob, as my tenth grade biology teacher used to say, ‘Give the gums a rest!'”* Unrepentant, Bob bawdily riposted, “Hey, gum this!”

As a smiling Andrea tried to gamely soldier on in her segue, her aghast off-camera co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle exclaimed, “Terrible! Terrible!” Aptly, pricking the priapic Philistine further, she added, “Bob, I mean, do you know what you just said!”

The Five‘s bad boy? Nah, he probably had no clue. Yeah, right!

*The Five – 08/28/13 (@ 5:45 p.m. ET)

Oops! F&F’s All-American Summer “Scat” Series?

August 19, 2013

Unedited “Rough and Ready” (“a**hole”): Bob Beckel bumper music? Today, Fox & Friends seemingly turned their song selection over again to The Five‘s filter-intolerant co-host (the big bumptious one who seems to continuously soil FNC’s afternoon airwaves with scatalogical expletives). Last month (July 10)F&F producers carelessly closed a baseball segment to the tune of “Boys Round Here” as Blake Shelton sang “Backwoods legit, don’t take no sh*t.” Today, they one upped–or one downed–themselves: They teased an upcoming “Shot of the Day” segment to “Rough and Ready” as Trace Adkins raucously belted out, “Got a what are you looking at? A**hole smirk.”*

Strangely, no apologies were offered when F&F resumed after the commercial break. Oops: Another F&F Bob-ble!

[Author’s aside: According to HuffPo, J$P caught Bob‘s third “‘s’ word in recent memory” last Wednesday: If the author heard him correctly, Bob said it for a fourth time last Friday after hurting his hand at the close of his The Five segment (08/16/13 – @ 5:52 p.m. ET).]

*F&F – 08/19/13 (@ 8:27 a.m. ET)

Five’s Beckel Unhinged: [Medgar] Evers “Turncoat”

June 19, 2013

Oops! Bob bizarrely loses his civil rights mantle cred. Today, the proud self-proclaimed son of a “liberal who went into the South and was arrested 57 times in the civil rights movement registering blacks” and who marched with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., evidenced an appalling lack of knowledge when it came to a pivotal chapter in the nations history. During a segment on black Louisiana state senator Elbert Guillory who changed from the Democratic party to the GOP, Beckel tried to impugn him by trying to recall another black Louisiana “turncoat.” Unfortunately, for Bob, it backfired on him, his co-hosts, and The Five.

In the Five block moderated by co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle,* Bob tried to push-back when his more conservative co-hosts, Kimberly, Eric Bolling, and Greg Gutfeld appeared to defend Guillory’s decision. Looking down, Beckel declared, “Louisiana has had a long history–and I wish [that] I could remember the name of this guy whose brother was a very well known civil rights activist who was I think a Congressman. And, this guy converted to the Republican Party because he was paid to convert to the Republican Party to sift off the votes from the Democrats.”

After further discussion with his conservative co-hosts (including Dana Perino) of Guillory, Bob errantly announced, “I just remembered the name of the guy who was, his brother became a turncoat.”

Derisively, Kimberly enjoined, “[‘C]ause the control room gave it to you in your ear?”

Struggling mightily, Bob stammered, “Megan, Meg, Megan, Malcolm Evers’ brother, Charles Evers’ brother, Malcolm…got, got paid money to go on the Republican Party to sift off votes the Democrat.”

To make matters even worse, when Greg asked, “Were you bringing, why, to denigrate this man’s brave,” Bob declared, “I didn’t deny what this guy’s, what he was saying but Louisiana has a history of doing this. They have a history of doing it!”

Unfortunately, Bob’s bluster ruled the day on the Five. Perhaps, just as embarrassing or even more so, none of his co-anchors nor F&F‘s vaunted control room challenged his addled version of the civil rights struggle–in Mississippi!

Clearly, a muddled Bob was referring to the Mississippi civil rights martyr Medgar Evers and his activist older brother Charles Evers. It was Medgar who died at the hands of Byron Beckwith for the cause in June 11, 1963, and Charles who took his place as field secretary of the MS NAACP. Subsequently, Charles became the mayor of Fayette in 1963 (and the NAACP’s “Man of the Year”); a gubernatorial candidate; a U.S. Senate candidate: And, in 1989, Charles switched his allegiance to the GOP.

Today in Bob’s world, Louisiana and Mississippi looked alike: “Megan” Evers, “Malcolm” Evers, Charles Evers, Medgar Evers were all one and the same, too. Not quite the civil rights account of which Bob’s Dad would be rightly proud. Nor should Bob, his co-hosts, or The Five suits.

*The Five – 06/19/13 (@ 5:38 p.m. ET)

Sexy Kimberly Guilfoyle’s “Basic Instinct”

June 15, 2013

Juan Williams: “Wait! Wait! You’re distracting him!” Saucy Kimberly Guilfoyle scored on more than a few levels with her Five co-hosts and fans in her “bowdlerized” Basic Instinct display of last week. As Kimberly revealed her dominance in b’ball on Friday (06/07/13), she brought “rowwr power” to a whole new level.

In the Five segment designed to showcase the co-anchors shot-making prowess–or lack thereof (a la toddler Titus Ashby’s shellacking of Shaq on Jimmy Kimmel) co-hosts Kimberly, Juan, Eric Bolling, Andrea Tantaros and fill-in Brian Kilmeade took turns at throwing mini-basketballs at a small toy goal.* Starting off their friendly rivalry to see who could score the most points in twenty seconds, Brian supplied several balls to Kimberly. As the short-skirted lovely began to lob them at the basket with much success, Brian scurried to and fro to deliver them back to San Francisco’s comely former first lady.

Clapping enthusiastically, an adoring Juan exclaimed, “Yeah, Kimberly! Oh! Oh! Go, Kimberly, go! Rack ‘em up!” As Kimberly eagerly scrambled for the balls and gave viewers and Brian a PG-rated Basic Instinct, she was given more than double the time that she had been actually allotted. As Kimberly began to score with alacrity, literally and figuratively, Five rival beauty Andrea exclaimed, “Who’s keeping score?”

Subsequently, an apparently addled Juan threw more than a few air balls in his ill-fated attempt to match Kimberly. When former Pittsburg Pirate draftee Eric Bolling tried to get his “game on,” comely Kimberly kicked her right gam up Rockette-style. Pointing to his gorgeous colleague, an ardent Juan declared, “Wait! Wait! You’re distracting him! You can’t kick your legs to distract him!”

Apparently, Kimberly must have done so. As Eric completed his feckless effort, Kimberly pulled her hiked skirt back down and raised her hands in triumph, exclaiming, “Oh, yeah! Wooh, hooh!” Subsequently, when Andrea begin her successful distaff attempt, Kimberly shouted, “Go! Girls rule! Yeah!” And, they did.

Futilely, sports guy Brian tried to compete thereafter with little success. When he had finished, he queried, “Do we have a winner, control room?” After the producers seemingly whispered in his ear, Brian declared, “Kimberly and Andrea have tied.” Apparently, abandoning his formerly “so hot” Andrea for the moment, Juan raised Kimberly’s hand high in the air in victory, proclaiming her “the champ.”

Sexy Kimberly Guilfoyle: “The girl [just] can’t help it!”

*The Five – 06/08/13 @5:40 p.m. ET (Saturday re-airing of prior day)

[Author’s aside: Sorry, CR readers for the delay: “Cleaning Out My Closet.”

Dana’s “Foolish Mistake”: Stealing $20 from Mom

May 19, 2013

“I did that once, Mom. Sorry!” The Five co-host Dana Perino admitted Friday that she once had sticky fingers for her mother’s moolah. During a segment on the I.R.S.’s “targeting” of conservative groups during the 2012 campaign period, Dana derided the I.R.S.’s Commissioner’s dismissal of the excessive scrutiny as “foolish mistakes”: Arching her eyebrows, Dana declared, “A foolish mistake is when you take twenty dollars from your Mom’s purse when you really shouldn’t have. That was a foolish mistake.”*

Immediately, co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle interjected, “I never did that!”

Pointing to Dana with his right thumb accusingly, co-host Greg Gutfeld responded, “She did.”

Squinting her eyes at Greg with more than a hint of agitation, Dana confessed, “I did that once, Mom. Sorry!”

The Five‘s naif Dana Perino: I’m not that innocent!

*The Five – 05/1 – 05/18/13 (@ 5:12 p.m. ET)

How Dana Perino Found Love: On the Fly!

April 4, 2013

“True story!” America’s Newsroom co-host Bill Hemmer revealed how his FNC colleague Five co-anchor Dana Perino found her hubby Peter McMahon. After an AN story on a website that told singles where the best place to find their “soul mates” last week (March 27), Bill remarked, “How many people do you know…[who]…meet a partner on an airplane and they get married? It happens!”* Shaking her head incredulously, his AN guest co-anchor Alisyn Camerota replied, “Zero!”

In riposte, Bill declared, “Zero? I do! I know several people, actually. Dana Perino is one of ‘em!” Her face suddenly brightening, Aly gasped, “That’s right! I did know that.” Smiling triumphantly, Bill responded, “True story! See? I bring you the truth here, kid.”

A mile-high romance: “How Peter met Dana.”

*America’s Newsroom – 03/27/13 (@10:39 a.m. ET)

Mark Levin Barks: Perino “Bushie…Jerk”!

April 3, 2013

Dana Perino snarks: Carson less credible. Republican divide: “RINO” vs. Reaganite? Yesterday, Five co-host Dana Perino, Bush 43’s former White House Press Secretary, took a sharp jab at Dr. Ben Carson, who had appeared Monday on conservative Reagan administration aide Mark Levin‘s show. In a segment entitled “Carson Fights Back” which featured the doctor who had said on the Mark Levin Show that “a lot of white liberals” who had challenged him for coming “off the plantation” are the “most racist people there are,” Dana concurred with her co-host Bob Beckel that liberals were not losing any sleep over Carson, adding, “He has burned through so much of his credibility. He’s on every talk show every evening….He’s everywhere!”

Not surprisingly, Levin did not take lightly to Perino’s putative putdown of his program and Carson’s appearance on it. Without naming her by name, Levin snarled, “One of the people on the Five, a female, she can barely contain herself that they would play a clip of this program on the Five. She’s a Bushie!…She said…that Dr. Carson doesn’t do himself any favors going on all these cable TV programs and radio programs and going on these programs where his best interests are not taken to heart. And this former Bushie on the Five to claim that I don’t have Dr. Carson’s best interests at heart is pathetic.”

Showing that the Reagan/Rockfeller (Bush) Republican rift is alive and well, Levin growled, “Folks, I am sick of the preening, elitist, country club Republicans who don’t have a clue! Some of us are in this battle to win. We are not apologists! We take on our opponents: We put on the brass knuckles. I don’t know what she has done for this country other than serve as a spokesman for a President. But, I can tell you that many of you and I, we have been the precinct workers, we have been the litigators, we have been the activists, long before people like her were ever on the public scene.”

Concluding his counterattack, Levin roared, “Ben Carson’s under attack. And, who attacks me? And, who attacks those of us who are trying to promote his message and defend him? This jerk on The Five–who obviously has his interests at heart. Obnoxious!”

The GOP battle for the White House in 2016 is on!

Beckel Bawdy: Malkin Unamused

January 9, 2013

“Maligned” Tantaros: Don’t worry. I can handle carrots.” Five co-anchor Andrea Tantaros was almost unfazed by her co-anchor Bob Beckel who aimed his latest ribald remark squarely at her. In the penultimate segment of the Five yesterday about organic food, Andrea wielded an organic carrot and pointed it at Bob: never one to miss a moment to utter a double entendre, Bob cracked that she looked like she “could handle a hairy carrot.”* As a grinning Andrea rolled her eyes with her mouth agape in incredulity, the usually prim and proper co-anchor Dana Perino smiled and turned to co-host Eric Bolling, pleading, “Help him, Eric! Help him!”

Chuckling, Eric skillfully channeled the discussion back to the merits of organic veggies. As the segment began to conclude, Andrea, with her arms crossed in somewhat mock indignation, haltingly asked, “Are, you going to apologize?” Less than convincingly, Bob replied, “Yes, I apologize!” Grabbing a carrot from the plate, Bob protested, “But, that’s because you were waving it at my head!” As Andrea shook her head at yet another of his double entendres, Bob laughed, “My head? Whatever! I’m sorry!”

Clueless or wickedly clever, Dana interposed, “You remember the boneless chicken ranch?…The Far Side cartoon, Gary Larson did a thing about the boneless chicken ranch and the chickens were all like this [her head limp] over the fence.” Looking at Dana with a goatish gleam, an unrepentant Bob declared, “I’ve been to the Chicken Ranch [brothel (NSW)] in…Las Vegas. That sort of reminds me of a night of drinking.”

With her arms still crossed, Andrea acerbically announced, “That’s [a la boneless chicken necks] how you are going to be after this show!” Raising his voice, Bob riposted, “Alright, will you take it easy? You’re the one who talked about my–never mind!” Giggling, Andrea shook her anew at her bumbling, bumptious Bob.

Soon after the show, indignant Twitchy.com founder Michelle Malkin Tweeted, “NOT breaking: Bob Beckel said something sexually degrading and misogynist. And will get away with it. Again.” [Cf. Twitchy.com‘s “Gross: Serial misogynist Bob Beckel directs vulgar remark at Andrea Tantaros.” Seemingly, in response, Andrea Pooh-poohed the matter [comparing it to Brent Musburger’s BCS Miss Alabama mutterings], jesting, “Don’t worry. I can handle carrots, in fact so well that I hit Bob with them off screen. He’s applying for a job at ESPN as we speak.”

Apparently, Bob will be Bob. And, Andrea appears okay with that. Michelle? Not so much.

*The Five – 01/08/12 (@ 5:52 a.m. ET)

Bob Beckel: “Did the Beeper Work?”

November 14, 2012

[That’s] what I’m really worried about.” B***s***? The Five fell strangely silent today during a “live” segment for approximately eleven seconds–with no explanation.* Displacing its polemic panel, an ominous “The Five” star graphic atop a blue background appeared suddenly onscreen. The ghost of Mrs. Grundy?

During this segment, his segment, co-host Eric Bolling posited that “President Obama a/k/a Mr. Transparent [was] rope-a-dope[ing] the press when asked about the Petraeus affair.” When guest co-anchor K.T. McFarland and co-host Bob Beckel began to debate whether President Obama was availing himself of “plausible deniability,” Eric acerbically interjected, “What you really don’t want is the President of the United States to lie, in fact.” Without warning nor explanation, the audio was muted and the screen went blue (with “The Five” star).

After about twelve seconds had elapsed, The Five co-hosts reappeared seemingly tacitly attesting to the rude interruption: Kimberly Guilfoyle laughed as she hid her face in her left hand; Greg Gutfeld chuckled to himself and looked over at Bob in amusement; K.T.  tried to keep her composure as she looked straight ahead and blinked her eyes rapidly; Bob looked into the distance with his mouth agape; and Eric appeared to try to read the teleprompter with feigned gravity.

After praising the military who stood apart from their perchance rogue rakish leaders, Eric seemed to question the credibility of the sexy socialite Jill Kelly who allegedly ignited the inquery and laughing asked roue Bob if he had ever known such an “honorary consul general.” Looking over at Eric, Bob jested, “What I’m really concerned about is did the beeper work?”

Apparently, loathe to acknowledge that The Five might not be exactly live anymore, Eric monotoned, “Did the beeper work?” Slightly smiling, Bob anwered, “Yeah.” Softly, Kimberly unconvincingly interposed, “No.”

Then, as if a producer had whispered in her ear to change the topic posthaste, Kimberly animatedly stammered, “Listen! The beep, this is a woman that I thing we’re going to learn a lot more about.” Tellingly, Greg glanced at the panel bemusedly, chuckled to himself, and beamed back at someone offset.

In the following segment, Greg appeared to translucently reveal the secret of the censored segment. Re President Obama’s view of whether climate change caused Hurricane Sandy, Greg defiantly declared, “He even admits finally  that that’s baloney–or b.s.!”** As Greg began to address Bob, a chuckling Eric looked up from his papers, exclaiming, “Don’t say it!”

Don’t say it indeed, Bob. At least, on air!

*The Five – 11/14/12 (@ 5:19 a.m. ET).

**Ibid at @ 5:29 a.m. ET.

Andrea Tantaros: Yes, I’m in Playboy

November 4, 2012

“Sorry!” Conservative The Five co-host Andrea Tantaros revealed Thursday that she is in the November 2012 issue of Playboy magazine. In a Tweet to her followers, Greg Gutfeld‘s leggy “Greek olive” teased, “Yes, I’m in Playboy this month.” Subsequently, dashing her acolytes’ amatory ardor, she elaborated, “John Meroney interviews me, Buchanan, Will and others on the world of TV and politics. No photos tho.”

To her disappointed male admirers, Andrea apologized, saying, “Sorry!” Then, as a conciliatory sop to them, she concluded, “So guys, if you get caught with the Playboy, you can finally use the excuse that you’re only reading it for the articles.”

For Andrea’s fervid fans, doubtlessly, little consolation.

[Author’s aside: Ironically, Andrea attacked Playboy three years ago in a post entitled, “Is Misogyny Back in Vogue?” She decried it as having ‘lost all of their sense of humor and their sense of decency by allowing conservative women to become a punching bag–and a punch line–for the left.” Apparently, Playboy has come a long way, baby.]

Proud Perino: “World’s Hottest Grandmother”

September 27, 2012

“One More Thing”: Do you remember what you call me? The Five co-host Dana Perino finally introduced her Scottish step grandchildren to her FNC fans. More than a year ago, then virgin Fox & Friends Weekend guest-host Dana revealed to her incredulous audience that she was a grandmother, to two Scottish children, Rachel and Sebastian: Furthermore, she mentioned that that they called her “Grandma America.” Yesterday, as The Five‘s ultimate segment concluded, Dana declared, “I have a special “One More Thing”: I have my–believe it or not–my grandchildren from Scotland…Rachel and Sebastian, are here.”

As Dana introduced Rachel and Sebastian, her hubby Peter McMahon (of twelve years) herded their two grandchildren onto the set sub rosa. As the two gathered around Dana at the table, they appeared dazed by the spotlight and virtually mute.

Looking at Rachel tenderly, Dana asked, “Do you remember what you call me?” As Rachel stared blankly ahead, Dana prompted her, saying, “Grandma America. Can you say it?” Looking at her young nana, a smiling Rachel softly answered, “Grandma America.”

Interjecting, co-anchor Greg Gutfeld risquely exclaimed, “World’s hottest grandmother!”

Without acknowledging her co-host’s impertinent compliment, Dana turned to Sebastian and asked whether he had enjoyed his earlier trip to Disney. “Yeah,” he tersely replied. Trying to draw out her  little Silent Cal, Dana queried, “What did you think of the show? This show.” As he looked quizzically at his step nana, Dana quickly declared, “They’re speechless–as are more Americans when they watch this.”

At least, that segment. Speechless that The Five‘s Dana Perino is really a grandmother. Even if “Granda America” is “the world’s hottest grandmother.”

Five’s Juan Williams: “Why is Andrea So Hot?”

August 23, 2012

Tantaros: “Mrs. Willliams, we like her very much and we’re very appropriate here on The Five.” Yesterday, The Five‘s married co-anchor Juan Williams continued his on-air passes at his sexy single co-host, Andrea Tantaros. On Monday, the randy Juan declared that he would be “delighted” to help Andrea get her errant earring when it slipped down into her dress: two days later, Juan returned to her (and the Five) with his amorous ardor very much intact, musing, “Why is Andrea so hot?”

In the first Five block on Monday, Andrea waxed eloquent as she discussed President Obama and the press. When she had finished opining, her observant co-anchor Greg Gutfeld racily declared, “I have to point out something while you were talking.”* Before he could finish, Andrea knowingly asked, “That my earring fell into my dress?” Laughing, a goatish Greg exclaimed, “Yes!…That was one of the greatest catches of all time. Oh, to be that earring!”

As Juan eyed Andrea’s dress as if with a carnal comic-book-x-ray vision, Greg continued, “Juan, Juan, I got to ask you.” Bawdily, Juan queried, “Are you going to ask me to help her get it?”  When a grinning Greg answered that he was not, Juan wantonly responded, “Oh, oh, oh! Because I would be delighted!” Blushing, Andrea answered, “Okay, Juan! Mrs. Williams, we like her very much and we’re very appropriate here on The Five.”

Perhaps, so. But, two days later on the Five, Juan still had not lost that loving feeling for the damsel Andrea. When a philosophical Greg declared Wednesday that the big question of life was the hereafter, Juan took his opportunity to score a few points with the beauty. Jesting, he queried, ‘That’s the big question? I thought it…[was]…why is Andrea so hot? That’s a big question!”**

*The Five – 08/20/12 (@ 6:04 a.m. ET)

**The Five – 08/22/12 (@ 6:32 a.m. ET)


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