Five’s Beckel Unhinged: [Medgar] Evers “Turncoat”

Oops! Bob bizarrely loses his civil rights mantle cred. Today, the proud self-proclaimed son of a “liberal who went into the South and was arrested 57 times in the civil rights movement registering blacks” and who marched with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., evidenced an appalling lack of knowledge when it came to a pivotal chapter in the nations history. During a segment on black Louisiana state senator Elbert Guillory who changed from the Democratic party to the GOP, Beckel tried to impugn him by trying to recall another black Louisiana “turncoat.” Unfortunately, for Bob, it backfired on him, his co-hosts, and The Five.

In the Five block moderated by co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle,* Bob tried to push-back when his more conservative co-hosts, Kimberly, Eric Bolling, and Greg Gutfeld appeared to defend Guillory’s decision. Looking down, Beckel declared, “Louisiana has had a long history–and I wish [that] I could remember the name of this guy whose brother was a very well known civil rights activist who was I think a Congressman. And, this guy converted to the Republican Party because he was paid to convert to the Republican Party to sift off the votes from the Democrats.”

After further discussion with his conservative co-hosts (including Dana Perino) of Guillory, Bob errantly announced, “I just remembered the name of the guy who was, his brother became a turncoat.”

Derisively, Kimberly enjoined, “['C]ause the control room gave it to you in your ear?”

Struggling mightily, Bob stammered, “Megan, Meg, Megan, Malcolm Evers’ brother, Charles Evers’ brother,Malcolm…got, got paid money to go on the Republican Party to sift off votes the Democrat.”

To make matters even worse, when Greg asked, “Were you bringing, why, to denigrate this man’s brave,” Bob declared, “I didn’t deny what this guy’s, what he was saying but Louisiana has a history of doing this. They have a history of doing it!”

Unfortunately, Bob’s bluster ruled the day on the Five. Perhaps, just as embarrassing or even more so, none of his co-anchors nor F&F‘s vaunted control room challenged his addled version of the civil rights struggle–in Mississippi!

Clearly, a muddled Bob was referring to the Mississippi civil rights martyr Medgar Evers and his activist older brother Charles Evers. It was Medgar who died at the hands of Byron Beckwith for the cause in June 11, 1963, and Charles who took his place as field secretary of the MS NAACP. Subsequently, Charles became the mayor of Fayette in 1963 (and the NAACP’s “Man of the Year”); a gubernatorial candidate; a U.S. Senate candidate; and in 1989, Charles switched his allegiance to the GOP.

Today in Bob’s world, Louisiana and Mississippi looked alike; “Megan” Evers, “Malcolm” Evers, Charles Evers, Medgar Evers were all the same, too. Not quite the civil rights account of which Bob’s Dad would be rightly proud. Nor should Bob, his co-hosts, or The Five suits.

*The Five – 06/19/13 (@ 5:38 p.m. ET)

Shepard Smith: “He Doesn’t Really Eat Puppies”

“[T]he one way to make viewers hate you is to say anything bad about an animal.” Studio B anchor Shepard Smith seems to have heightened his animal rights sensitivities somewhat since the bad old days of his “Trampoline Bear.”

Friday, Shepard aired a segment entitled “Lab-Grown Hamburger Patty: Animal Rights Activists Support New Meat.”* During his interview of Dr. Nina Radcliff, he turned to his second banana Jonathan Hunt for his input on this bizarre petri dish meat. Replying with his trademark British macabre wit, Hunt quipped, “All I say is ‘If we’re running out of cows to eat, then let’s just start grilling small puppies.”

Subsequently, as the segment ended, Shep bemusedly looked to Hunt again, querying, “Smeat?” When Hunt unequivocally exclaimed, “No!,” Shep mischievously remarked, “Puppies but not….” Taking the bait injudiciously, a grinning Hunt replied, “Small pups, small puppies anytime: never ‘smeat’!”

Perhaps, explaining the apt end of his infamous Trampoline Bear video airings, Shep responded, “You do know that the one way to make viewers hate you is to say anything bad about an animal.”

When Hunt riposted, “I think they’ve hated me for a very long time,” Shep jested, “This is true! Thank you, Jonathan. The stage manager says, ‘Yes!’”

In an aside to his audience, Shep added, “He doesn’t really eat puppies.”

And, thankfully, Shep doesn’t really exploit Trampoline Bear–any more.

*Studio B – 06/14/13 (@ 3:51 p.m. ET)

Huddy Factor: Hoboken “Hypocrite”?

“Did You See That?”: Do I have to explain why it’s been banned!“ FNC correspondent and O’Reilly Factor regular Juliet Huddy oddly decried the horrors of a sexy British Pamela Anderson advertisement last Wednesday.* The former Fox & Friends Weekend co-host who readily relishes the ribald humor of her erstwhile Fox & Friends Weekend co-host and best bud Mike Jerrick would seem to be an unlikely proponent of banning racy commercials. But, on her Factor “Did You See That?” segment, she sportingly played the part of censorship queen: And, for fans of the thrice-married proud cougar, her priggish pontifications appeared humorous at best.

During her weekly appearance on Bill O’Reilly’s eponymous show, Juliet was asked to opine on the banning of the rather risque British advert which starred buxom biz babe Pamela Anderson and her similarly endowed tarty underling cavorting in cream in a male colleague’s fantasy. After playing a controversial clip of the commercial censored as being “sexist and degrading to women,” O’Reilly remarked, “And, here now to explain why that ad has been banned is Juliet Huddy.” Appearing to feign outrage, Juliet exclaimed, “Do I have to explain why it’s been banned! Really!”

Subsequently, as another snippet started to air, O’Reilly jested, “I thought it was a milk commercial.” Laughing heartily, Juliet interjected, “I, I mean, I have to say.” Before she could continue, O’Reilly added, “So, it’s raunchy and suggestive but…Great Britain has a lot of that stuff. So…why did they pull this?”

Guffawing and giggling, Juliet declared, “Right thing, justifiably so! They felt that it’s sexist and objectifies women!”

Unconvinced, O’Reilly persisted, “Look, all I know is that…in England, particularly in London, they run a lot of raunchy stuff all over the place.”

Taking O’Reilly to task, Juliet jibed, “So, you’re upset that this ad is being banned?”

Defensively, raising his hand, O’Reilly retorted, “I’m not upset. I don’t care! I’m apathetic when it comes to this.”

Moralizing comically, Juliet riposted, “I think you do, Bill! Or, we wouldn’t have this on the show if you didn’t care!”

“Did you see that?” Indeed. Juliet: not necessarily O’Reilly fiercest “Culture Warrior.”

*O’Reilly Factor – 06/12/13 (8:50 a.m. ET)

Sexy Kimberly Guilfoyle’s “Basic Instinct”

Juan Williams: “Wait! Wait! You’re distracting him!” Saucy Kimberly Guilfoyle scored on more than a few levels with her Five co-hosts and fans in her “bowdlerized” Basic Instinct display of last week. As Kimberly revealed her dominance in b’ball on Friday (06/07/13), she brought “rowwr power” to a whole new level.

In the Five segment designed to showcase the co-anchors shot-making prowess–or lack thereof (a la toddler Titus Ashby’s shellacking of Shaq on Jimmy Kimmel) co-hosts Kimberly, Juan, Eric Bolling, Andrea Tantaros and fill-in Brian Kilmeade took turns at throwing mini-basketballs at a small toy goal.* Starting off their friendly rivalry to see who could score the most points in twenty seconds, Brian supplied several balls to Kimberly. As the short-skirted lovely began to lob them at the basket with much success, Brian scurried to and fro to deliver them back to San Francisco’s comely former first lady.

Clapping enthusiastically, an adoring Juan exclaimed, “Yeah, Kimberly! Oh! Oh! Go, Kimberly, go! Rack ‘em up!” As Kimberly eagerly scrambled for the balls and gave viewers and Brian a PG-rated Basic Instinct, she was given more than double the time that she had been actually allotted. As Kimberly began to score with alacrity, literally and figuratively, Five rival beauty Andrea exclaimed, “Who’s keeping score?”

Subsequently, an apparently addled Juan threw more than a few air balls in his ill-fated attempt to match Kimberly. When former Pittsburg Pirate draftee Eric Bolling tried to get his “game on,” comely Kimberly kicked her right gam up Rockette-style. Pointing to his gorgeous colleague, an ardent Juan declared, “Wait! Wait! You’re distracting him! You can’t kick your legs to distract him!”

Apparently, Kimberly must have done so. As Eric completed his feckless effort, Kimberly pulled her hiked skirt back down and raised her hands in triumph, exclaiming, “Oh, yeah! Wooh, hooh!” Subsequently, when Andrea begin her successful distaff attempt, Kimberly shouted, “Go! Girls rule! Yeah!” And, they did.

Futilely, sports guy Brian tried to compete thereafter with little success. When he had finished, he queried, “Do we have a winner, control room?” After the producers seemingly whispered in his ear, Brian declared, “Kimberly and Andrea have tied.” Apparently, abandoning his formerly “so hot” Andrea for the moment, Juan raised Kimberly’s hand high in the air in victory, proclaiming her “the champ.”

Sexy Kimberly Guilfoyle: “The girl [just] can’t help it!”

*The Five – 06/08/13 @5:40 p.m. ET (Saturday re-airing of prior day)

[Author's aside: Sorry, CR readers for the delay: “Cleaning Out My Closet.”

Oops! FNC’s Blonde Tweet of the Day [Deleted!]

Anna’s off-teleprompter meme moment. Perhaps, in one of the funniest Fox News faux pas of the day, Fox News correspondent Anna Kooiman Tweeted, “Is the NSA WHISTLEBLOWER a HERO or a TRADER?” Apparently, the poor South Carolina lass was not paying enough attention this afternoon and was simply parroting what she thought was FNC’s query of the day: Actually, it was “Hero or traitor”?

Homophone gaucherie or not, fortunately, for the former Fox & Friends First twin of Ainsley Earhardt, none of her followers had the heart to correct her: But, comically, two of her acolytes did favorite her. Nevertheless, Carpe Diem had to, at least, take note.

Thanks for the laugh, Anna!

[Author's aside: As this article was being written, Anna deleted her 2:22 p.m. CT Tweet: However, the CD reader can still enjoy that laugh.]

F&F First Flubs: Time Out!

Fox & Friends First did not start on time again? For some strange reason, producers have started, at least, four of the latest five F&F‘s at 4:58 a.m. instead of its scheduled time 5:00 a.m. ET. For fans of the show who want to watch the entire program (especially, those who deem to DVR it), the producers’ lapses are a painful way to start the morning.

Tighten up, F&F! Excellence should begin even before the break of dawn.

Purring Aly Cat: “With…a Leash in My Teeth?”

C.O.M.A. today: But, Fox & Friends Weekend co-anchor Alisyn Camerota decidedly heated up the set last Sunday with her wicked game. After a cute headline news story with a dog walking a horse by a lead, co-host Clayton Morris pruriently queried, “You ever walk a stallion like that?” Always one to enjoy a double entendre, Aly coquettishly riposted, “With, with, uh, a leash in my teeth?” Pausing for affect, she bawdily added, “No, I haven’t. Strangely!” As she chuckled heartily at her own Mae West wit, a goatish Clayton grinned as their almost clueless co-host Tucker Carlson remarked, “Well, I have.”

*Fox & Friends Sunday – 06/02/13 (@ 6:31 a.m. ET)

[Author's aside: C.O.M.A. double entendre explained: "Cleaning Out My Attic"-- and coma (dull day today).]

“Exposing Myself” Again? Agonized Geraldo Out!

“There were tears! My adult daughters were there with my wife….nasty super PACs…having to relive…details in my book. FNC “Geraldo at Large” host Geraldo Rivera announced today that he is not running as a GOP candidate for the New Jersey U.S. Senate seat left open after the recent death of Senator Frank Lautenberg.

As Geraldo’s usual Friday Fox & Friends weekly promo segment for his show concluded today, F&F co-host Brian Kilmeade queried, “Are you going to run for the Senate seat in New Jersey, Geraldo Rivera?”*

In reply, Geraldo revealed, “Last night, I met with my family….Looking at the lay of the land, running as a Republican in a Democratic state, I would have…had to have…tens of millions of dollars. I was willing to spend a substantial part of my own, our family’s savings but it would have been a very difficult road.”

Clarifying Geraldo’s quasi-definitive answer further, Brian pointedly asked, “You’re not running?”

Without equivocation, wannabe pol Geraldo asservated, “I am not running for Senate.”

Following up, Brian sympathetically probed, “But, it was really agonizing for you?”

Shaking his head mournfully, Geraldo declared, “It was agonizing. There were tears! My adult daughters were there with my wife. We were talking about going up against super PAC’s, nasty super PAC’s, unlimited funds in the opponent.” With a defiant wave of his hand to his probable detractors, he explained, “Having to relive all of the, the things that Gretch [en Carlson] read in my book ['Exposing Myself'].”

Chuckling knowingly, Gretchen responded, “Alright. Tough decision. Thank you, Geraldo.”

*F&F – 06/07/13 (@ 8:12 a.m. ET)

Aly: “I’m Gonna Come Back!” Not!

Oops! She did it again–but, even worse! Yesterday, Fox & Friends fill-in Alisyn Camerota overslept and was half an hour late for the show: Today, she did not even make her promised return!

Substituting for the frequently absent Gretchen Carlson Monday, a chagrined Aly made her appearance on the program tardy by more than thirty minutes: After initially jesting that she had run off with the band Lonestar (F&F’s Friday summer concert band with Aly as sexy cowbell belle), she blamed it on her Blackberry alarm not going off and her malfunctioning internal alarm clock. Aptly, she said that she was sorry to her co-hosts, Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade, and emergency sub Ainsley Earhardt and asked for her audience’s forgiveness, saying, “I apologize. It’s so embarrassing!”

Much later, when the show was about to end, Steve alluded anew to Aly’s faux pas, saying, “Well, you know, things started, Aly actually didn’t look like [she] was going to make the show because the alarm didn’t go off.”* Deadpanning, Aly mischievously asked, “Is that the story [that] you are going with?” Smiling, Steve riposted, “Well, that’s what you told us!” Licking her upper lip impishly, Aly answered, “Oh! I didn’t know if we were going with the tour bus story or the alarm clock. I like both!”

Subsequently, as usual, Brian teased the next day’s show, announcing F&F‘s upcoming guests (Dr. Oz, Senator Marco Rubio, Miranda Kerr, and Laura Ingraham). Touting Tuesday’s show further, Steve remarked, “It’s a fantastic show.” In concert, raising her left hand for emphasis immediately, Aly declared, “I’m gonna come back!” Concluding, Steve exclaimed, “Alright!”: Turning to his F&F viewers, he added, “And, we hope you do, too!”

Unfortunately for Aly’s fans who returned to F&F today, their lovely lady was not true to her word. I.e., she did not return. On the bright side today, a second South Carolina “Morning Glory,” Anna Kooiman, was there today to arouse them at the break of the dawn.

*Fox & Friends – 06/03/13 (@ 8:59 a.m ET)

Aly Cat: “Sorry about That!..It’s So Embarrassing!

Waking hubby: “Hey…what are you doing?” Oops! Tardy substitute Fox & Friends co-host Alisyn Camerota had a very bad early morning: But, on the bright side, she may have had a very good late night.

When Aly failed to appear in for an absent Gretchen Carlson on the F&F curvy couch at the start of the show, a seemingly surprised Ainsley Earhardt, Fox & Friends First co-anchor, surfaced instead on F&F after her own show F&F First, exclaiming, “Well, good morning to you! It is Monday June 3rd….I’m filling in for Gretchen [Carlson] this morning.”

Providing scant cover for his long-time FNC colleague in the show intro (as producers ran a clip of Aly and FNC meteorologist Maria Molina suggestively jamming out with Lonestar last Friday on A.S.S.), co-anchor Brian Kilmeade jested, “Last we saw Aly Camerota, she was partying with the band on our Friday summer concert series and…she’s supposed to be here….[A]ll I know is she is not here. What happened? That story we have.”

Chiming in bawdily, co-host Steve Doocy teased, “She took off with the band! Hello!”

Then, after the F&F theme had played, Ainsley revealed, “Okay, so…we have to be honest here. I’m, like, anchoring the 5 a.m. show, and they’re saying, “Ainsley, we need you to stick around and zip downstairs to Studio B because Aly has overslept this morning! Aly was filling in for Gretchen.” Elaborating, she animatedly disclosed, “So, Aly moved out to Connecticut…recently…a year ago or something….So, this morning, we were…all saying, ‘Oh, her husband [Tim Lewis is] in trouble.’ She’s gonna be like, ‘We’re moving back into the city (NYC): I can’t be this far away from work.”

Trying to come to the aid of Aly valiantly, Brian added, “Well, here, here’s the problem, Ainsley, as you know: They had a five-and-a-half marathon on Saturday and then four hours again on Sunday and then they had the After the Show Show and then some post-tapes. This woman is worn out!”

Giving slightly less succor to the alluring Aly, Steve jibed, “Oh, come on! And, then throw in that she looked like she wanted to join the band.”

Much more amenably, Ainsley interjected, “Right! And, throw in a few kids and a husband. I mean, come on!”

Smiling comically, Steve concluded, “If and when she shows up, you’ll see her…as Ainsley disappears shortly.”

Approximately, thirty minutes later, Aly finally emerged from her make-up room and sashayed to the set, laughing, “I’m ready now!…I just got off the Lonestar tour bus: But, I’m back now.” Reaching the curvy couch with pastry sops, she apologized, “Thank you, guys! Sorry about that!”

Feigning irritation, Steve queried, “Where were you?”

Chagrinned, Aly exclaimed, “My Blackberry did not go off this morning! Yes, I’m blaming my alarm clock, and my internal alarm clock malfunctioned as well!” Looking into the camera at her fans and bowing her head as their supplicant, she said, “I apologize. It’s so embarrassing!”

Turning to Aly empathetically, Ainz asked, “Isn’t is so embarrassing when you wake up and the husband says, ‘Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’”

Heartily, Aly agreed, “It’s horrible! Revealing some benign early morning bedchamber chat with her mate, Aly added, “My husband goes, ‘Hey, It’s 4:30. What are you doing?’ I’m, like, ’4:30!’ Like my hair’s on fire, and I jumped up.” Grinning naughtily, Aly racily remarked, “And, he wasn’t happy about me going on the tour with Lonestar either! So, I’m in the doghouse!”

Lonestar love to lonely lady! From “cathouse” to “doghouse”? Regardless, Aly is in the house!

[Author's aside: For a pic of Aly, Tim, their twin daughters (Alessandra and Francesca) and their son, Nate, link here.]

Flattered Janice: “Fox News Weather Skank”?

Anna Kooiman: “This must have been in your dancing days, Janice!” Fox News meteorologist Janice Dean reminded her fans why they love her this morning: their gorgeous gal is shameless! After a headlines story on the new Universal Studio Simpsons theme park opening this summer in Orlando, FL, Janice proudly revealed, “A little know fact, years ago on the Simpsons, they actually referenced a Fox News weather girl, and at the time, I was the only news weather girl. I believe the line was something like, ‘This coffee is hotter than a Fox News weather lady but the word lady wasn’t used: It was something that was a little bit more, uh, not morning show friendly.”*

“Risque?,” chuckled fill-in Fox & Friends Weekend co-host Anna Kooiman. As fellow guest co-host Mike Jerrick nodded, “I hear you,” co-anchor Clayton Morris asked, “Were you flattered?” Without answering, FNC meteorologist Janice Dean declared, “You could probably Google it.” Grinning and shimmying in her seat, Anna replied, “This must have been in your dancing days, Janice!”

Correcting Anna’s inadvertent slight subtly, Clayton interjected, “Which still are going on.” Appreciatively, a smiling Anna concurred, “Well, true!”

For those, who missed that Simpsons episode “lauding” JD, the self-dubbed “Dancing Machine,” Janice teased, “But, one of these days, I will add it on to my resume tape.”

Unfortunately, Janice did not reveal her salty Simpsons moniker today: However, she frankly disclosed it in her FoxNews.com blog post titled, “Hotter than a Fox News Weather Blank…” on November 23, 2007. In that article, she wrote, “I was…reminded of a line off that show that many Simpsons fans have since referenced in my presence (mainly my little brother!). It was a few years ago and at the time I was strangely flattered…Here’s the line: ‘Careful. It’s hotter than a Fox News weather skank.’” Proudly, she added, “It’s pretty funny. I think that I have it on tape somewhere.”

Unfortunately, the author has not found that Simpsons tape yet, Janice. But, please post it: your F&FW fans would love to see it!

*Fox & Friends Weekend – 05/25/13 (@ 7:37 a.m. ET)

CNN’s Indra vs. FNC’s Maria: Weathergal Catfight?

Rowrrr! Yesterday, Early Start co-anchor John Berman introduced blonde beauty Indra Petersons as “our brand new CNN meteorologist and the newest addition to our team here in the morning.”* The Latvian lovely stands in stark contrast to Cosmo’s caliente Nicaraguan nymph Maria Molina, the brunette beauty who just snared her own early morn Monday-through-Friday gig on FNC.

According to IndraPetersons.com, Indra is of Latvian heritage, speaks the language fluently, and has learned her country’s “native folk songs and dances” (including the polka). Furthermore, she is said to be a Los Angeles native who started her career in El Paso at KVIA as a weathergal; moved on to Santa Barbara at KEYT as a meteorologist; and then went to Los Angeles’ ABC7 in 2004 as not only the weatherwoman but also as a “general assignment reporter” before replacing Rob Marciano as CNN’s premier meteorologist.  As far as her hobbies are concerned, the hottie is a travel enthusiast who chronicles here travels on her Facebook page.

Whether one agrees with global warming or not, the weather just got a lot hotter with the new girl in town! And, the mornings may dawn just a little sweeter with the potential pillow fights in the offing between CNN’s new  long-tressed towhead and her FNC brown-maned rival. CNN’s Indra vs. FNC’s Maria: a cable dream pay-per-view!

*Early Start – 05/20/13 (@ 6:05 a.m. ET)

The Crossover’s Ousted Briggs: Back to F&FW?

“[N]ew set. New cast. Better vibe.” Former Fox & Friends Weekend co-host Dave Briggs has been bounced from his brand new NBC Sports show The Crossover according to USA Today Sport’s “TheBigLead.com.” After being off last week, the program will reportedly return this week with Michelle Beadle as the solo host.

According to a USA Today Sports source, Dave and Michelle were doomed from the start since they simply did not get along. Last Monday, Michelle seemed to confirm that sentiment when she Tweeted, “@Crossover is off this week. But when we come back..BRAND NEW SHOW! #cantwait.” As if to remove any doubt, she snarked, “New set. New cast. Better vibe.”

According to TheBigLead.com, Dave “is apparently getting his own on NBC.”  But, if his Fox & Friends Weekend fans get their wish, he will return to join co-anchors Alisyn Camerota and Clayton Morris to “the best show, the best job of [his] life.”

Don’t count on it: Tucker Carlson just got Dave’s old job officially and Bill Shine, FNC Executive Programming VP, has an odd allegiance to Carlsons no matter how ill at ease they seem to be with their early morning co-hosts or their waking viewers.

Dana’s “Foolish Mistake”: Stealing $20 from Mom

“I did that once, Mom. Sorry!” The Five co-host Dana Perino admitted Friday that she once had sticky fingers for her mother’s moolah. During a segment on the I.R.S.’s “targeting” of conservative groups during the 2012 campaign period, Dana derided the I.R.S.’s Commissioner’s dismissal of the excessive scrutiny as “foolish mistakes”: Arching her eyebrows, Dana declared, “A foolish mistake is when you take twenty dollars from your Mom’s purse when you really shouldn’t have. That was a foolish mistake.”*

Immediately, co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle interjected, “I never did that!”

Pointing to Dana with his right thumb accusingly, co-host Greg Gutfeld responded, “She did.”

Squinting her eyes at Greg with more than a hint of agitation, Dana confessed, “I did that once, Mom. Sorry!”

The Five‘s naif Dana Perino: I’m not that innocent!

*The Five – 05/1 – 05/18/13 (@ 5:12 p.m. ET)

Clayton No Dave: “Wins” Rigged Kayak Race

Stuttering Tucker takes one for “the team”: “I’m not, I, you know, I, I think Clayton won.” Today, Fox & Friends Weekend co-host Clayton Morris finally took the gold in the annual F&FW-Bass Pro Shops kayak race–albeit with an abetting hand. With perennial champion Dave Briggs sidelined at NBC Sports Network, Clayton seemed possibly positioned to, at least, have a chance at a viable victory in view of his F&FW fans. But, apparently, F&FW producers had little to no faith in his ability alone to vanquish his new opponent, co-anchor Tucker Carlson.

Introducing the 2013 keen competition between Clayton and his new competitor Tucker (kayak racing vid), co-host Alisyn Camerota remarked, “The Great American Kayak Race has become a tradition on Fox & Friends: This weekend we continue with that venerable tradition.” Looking out at her lads on the water, Aly declared, “Tucker, you don’t know what you’re in for: This is your first annual kayak race. Clayton, you’re old hat: But, you’ve never won. So, let’s see what happens today.”

Standing in support next to the ever also-ran Clayton, F&FW meteorologist Rick Reichmuth animatedly interjected, “Tucker, what you need to know is that Clayton, um, is incredibly athletic. And…you’re really in for a big challenge here.” As Tucker derisively laughed, “Yeah,” Rick continued, “He’s also not afraid of getting wet! We’ll just put those two things [out].”

Subsequently, when Aly counted down to takeoff, Clayton’s F&FW/Bass Pro kayak handler propelled him forward as Tucker’s counterpart held him back until Clayton had reached virtually the first leg end point. Chuckling at the injustice, Tucker robustly oared forward and appeared to actually win the race by a nose. With the fix in, though, apparently, Clayton raised his arms in “triumph” as the Bass Pro ref and the handler who had held Tucker back pointed to Clayton as the purported winner.

Trying to appear, at least, a little fairer, Aly exclaimed, “That was a tie. You think so?” The “unbiased” Bass Pro ref shook his head and alleged that Clayton had won albeit barely. Aly countered, “I think it was a tie. I really think it was a tie!” As a smiling Clayton claimed, “Finally!,” Aly countered, That was a photo finish: I need to see the instant replay!”

Nevertheless, the Bass Pro spokesperson took the gold medal to Clayton, saying, “I’m going to give, I’m going to give first over here. I think you deserve it.” Turning to Tucker with the silver, he continued, “Even though, even though, you got cheated just a little bit.”

As the segment concluded, Rick stood beside Clayton: Pointing to Tucker, he aptly asserted, “I think you might want to thank his, um, four-second late start.”

When the show concluded about fifteen minutes later with Clayton the only cast member strangely absent, producers aired the photo finish again. As it ran, Aly declared, “Thanks so much for joining us. You can see here the very suspenseful final seconds of our annual kayak race. I think it was a tie.”

To her newly initiated co-host, she “innocently” queried, “What do you think, Tucker?” As Aly grinned at F&FW‘s compliant tyro, Tucker dutifully stuttered, “I’m not, I, you know, I, I think Clayton won.” Patting her new student on the shoulder approvingly, Aly replied, “Wow! Very big of you. Very big of you!”

Poor Tucker: Sounded like Clayton’s Baghdad Bob today!

“History Bluff” Clayton: Clueless–Again?

“We haven’t had a Triple Crown winner since what, since Secretariat?” Fox & Friends co-host Clayton Morris, who prides himself in his purported historical ken, got his comeuppance for the second week in a row. Last Sunday, he was the only co-anchor to “need a refresher course on the Founding Mothers” as his co-anchor Alisyn Camerota so aptly asserted. (Vid: 2:48/3:10.) Today, he sorely needed a cheat sheet on the last Triple Crown winner of thoroughbred racing.

During a Preakness Stakes segment this morn with DailyThoroughbredNews.com editor Christina Bossinakis, the co-hosts’ discussion turned inevitably to whether Kentucky Derby winner Orb could conquer the second leg of the Triple Crown. When Bossinakis indicated that she thought that he would win unless a surprising variable occurred, Clayton regrettably ad libbed, “One of the variables, because we haven’t had a Triple Crown winner since what, since Secretariat?”

In response to Clayton clearly clueless, Bossinakis charitably replied, “It was actually Affirmed in 1978 and then we had Seattle Slew in 1977.”

Duly corrected, Clayton confessed, “I don’t know why…it just sounded good.”

Not.

Kooiman’s Kinky “White Wedding”

Anna the next F&F spring bride-to-be? FNC correspondent Anna Kooiman subtly announced today that she is getting married (at least, if the past two years of Fox & Friends spring wedding exercise segments are a precedent). In her first promo of her “Wedding Workout! How to Slim Down for the Big Day” racy couples fitness segment, Anna excitedly did jumping jacks with her white veil and faux marital garb to the tune of Billy Idol’s “White Wedding”: Off camera, F&F co-host Brian Kilmeade teased, “I think one is getting married: I think they’re all getting married, including Kooiman.”*

Later, when F&F co-anchor Alisyn Camerota introduced F&F‘s “Wedding Workout!” segment in the second hour, a smiling Anna appeared on camera in her ivory attire animatedly doing jumping jacks new–but this time with a suggestive ebony blindfold over her eyes.** Pulling it up momentarily, Anna remarked, “A couple that works out together stays together. And, that’s the idea behind…a brand new wedding season class at New York Sports Club.” Turning to her musclebound, blindfolded partner dressed all in black, she said, “This is my hubby….As if her real man were watching, she reassuringly declared, “He’s my stand-in hubby, just for the day!” [Italics added for emphasis.]

Subsequently, she had her “man of the moment” massage her shoulders as she interviewed the NY Sports Club instructors, asking them the name of their class: When the lady instructor responded “Tough Love,” Anna prompted her to give the rest of the risque rubric, “Bars, bands, and blindfolds.” Pulling her blindfold back over her eyes seductively, Anna racily remarked, “And, blindfolds. We are channeling Fifty Shades of Grey [an erotic romance thriller].” Subsequently, she did some “trust squats” blindfolded back-to-back with her partner and some bondage exercises (albeit free of the large rubber band loosely binding the ankles of some of the others).

When Anna began to wrap her report and segue back to the three F&F co-anchors, Steve Doocy randily queried, “What does the blindfold do?” Blushing, a grinning Anna answered, “This is what’s building the trust.” As Aly arched her eyebrows knowingly and echoed “the trust,” Ann continued, “I think because of the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey, they are trying to…capitalize on that a bit.”

As Anna’s segment concluded, Aly intoned, “That’s great. Anna, I love that you turned to your partner like ‘married only for the day,’ ‘only for right now’ you had to tell him.” Hugging her hunk du jour in response, Ann chuckled, “Just for the day. Great, though!” Interjecting bawdily, Brian jested, “Right. Because he was hoping for the honeymoon!” As Steve smiled and Aly laughed, Anna tersely replied, “Yeah, yeah.”

“Yeah, yeah, Brian.” Anna probably already has her boy toy in tow if F&F‘s past is a prelude to her future. Almost two years ago (June 5, 2011), F&FW guest co-host Molly Line did a Nikki Fitness segment with “brides” in white entitled, “Bridal Boot Camp: Tips to get in shape for the big day”: Four days later on F&F weekday, she proudly proclaimed that she was betrothed and happily displayed her new engagement ring. Last year (June 14, 2012), Ainsley did her own Nikki Fitness segment titled, “Wedding Workout: Exercises to Get You Ready for the Big Day” in white connubial dress: Two weeks to the day later, Ainz was sporting her own connubial bling but waited until another month and half to announce, “Yes, I’m getting married.”

This year, Anna followed with her saucier version of the annual spring “white wedding” exercise segment: Today, it sounded as if Anna may have her own marital band in full view. Anna’s foot may not have fit into Cinderella’s glass slipper two days ago: But, she appears to have her real Prince at the ready.

*F&F – 05/02/13 (@ 6:56 a.m. ET)

**Ibid at @ 6:38 a.m. ET.

Hemmer’s Cryptic Condolences to MacCallum

Martha’s secret pain revealed. Yesterday, America’s Newsroom co-host Bill Hemmer offered his heartfelt sympathy to his grateful co-anchor Martha MacCallum without any explanation as the show ended. Similarly, Martha provided her own emotional enigmatic aside four days earlier in a Tweet, simply saying, “Thanks for your kind notes.” For AN viewers and Martha’s other fans who were left in the dark, Carpe Diem discovered the secret source of her pain.

When a CD reader asked the author what tragedy had befallen Martha after AN had aired, the author decided to find out. In his research, he detected the answer from a funeral home obit in Martha’s small hometown of Wyckoff, New Jersey (population of 16,696): It was for a certain Elizabeth Jane Bowes MacCallum who had died on April 14.

In the Wyckoff Vander Plaat Funeral Home encomium, Elizabeth MacCallum is described as the loving wife of her college sweetheart, Douglas C. MacCallum, Jr., of 57 years: But, more pertinently, for the Carpe Diem reader, it reveals that she was the devoted mother of three daughters, including Martha MacCallum Gregory. (Martha is married to Gregory Packaging Director and Vice-President Daniel John Gregory.) Reaffirming the obvious, Martha’s New York Times wedding announcement clearly evinces that the aforementioned Elizabeth B. MacCallum of Wyckoff, N.J. (and wife of Douglas C. MacCallum, Jr.) is the now deceased mother of Martha.

Condolences from this CD author, too, Martha!

Update: On the elder Ms. MacCallum’s online obit, there is a pic of Martha flanked by her two sisters seemingly: A loop of the family photos including Martha can be found at the top of the page on the left-hand side next to a “Click her to light a Memorial CANDLE” chyron.

Game Day Over: Aly’s “B Team” Back!

No news is good news for Fox & Friends Weekend co-hosts Clayton Morris and Tucker Carlson. Yesterday, FNC’s “A Team” took the field after the capture of the last of the Boston Marathon bomber brothers: From an early edition F&F First to America Live, FNC’s regular programming (save for Happening Now) and their co-hosts returned to the day’s fare. Nevertheless, F&FW co-host Alisyn Camerota maintained her pivotal position on F&F‘s curvy couch as she was joined by FNC’s week-day alpha dogs, Brian Kilmeade (F&F co-anchor) and Jon Scott (Happening Now co-host). Notably, F&FW “B Team” boys, Clayton and Tucker were sent to the sidelines without a mere mention to their F&FW fans.

But, today was a new day. As the news returned to normal, Aly still reigned supreme on her curvy couch. And, joining her again were her courtiers, Clayton and Tucker, comfortably ensconced as her bookends: The alpha males had gone away and the beta boys were back in town.

Today, all was right again–at least, in F&FW‘s world.

Terse Gretch Explains Absence

“I’m glad to be back here today.” Fox & Friends co-anchor Gretchen Carlson seemed rather defensive this morning about her absence yesterday from F&F‘s Boston Marathon tragedy special edition. Appearing eager to explain America Live‘s Megyn Kelly‘s appearance on the curvy couch in her place, Gretchen got straight to the point as soon as the show started.

After the obligatory opening teases for the program, Gretchen solemnly said, “Welcome, everyone. Good to be back.” As her co-hosts Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy looked at her with stone faces, a seemingly agitated Gretchen declared, “Unfortunately, I was on an airplane when all of this happened in Boston and could not get from the West Coast. I’m glad to be back here today.” In response, Steve stayed strangely silent and Brian simply said, “Yeah.”

Yeah. Sounds like someone may have heard the scuttlebutt. Or, read Carpe Diem yesterday.