Sexy Kimberly Guilfoyle’s “Basic Instinct”

Juan Williams: “Wait! Wait! You’re distracting him!” Saucy Kimberly Guilfoyle scored on more than a few levels with her Five co-hosts and fans in her “bowdlerized” Basic Instinct display of last week. As Kimberly revealed her dominance in b’ball on Friday (06/07/13), she brought “rowwr power” to a whole new level.

In the Five segment designed to showcase the co-anchors shot-making prowess–or lack thereof (a la toddler Titus Ashby’s shellacking of Shaq on Jimmy Kimmel) co-hosts Kimberly, Juan, Eric Bolling, Andrea Tantaros and fill-in Brian Kilmeade took turns at throwing mini-basketballs at a small toy goal.* Starting off their friendly rivalry to see who could score the most points in twenty seconds, Brian supplied several balls to Kimberly. As the short-skirted lovely began to lob them at the basket with much success, Brian scurried to and fro to deliver them back to San Francisco’s comely former first lady.

Clapping enthusiastically, an adoring Juan exclaimed, “Yeah, Kimberly! Oh! Oh! Go, Kimberly, go! Rack ‘em up!” As Kimberly eagerly scrambled for the balls and gave viewers and Brian a PG-rated Basic Instinct, she was given more than double the time that she had been actually allotted. As Kimberly began to score with alacrity, literally and figuratively, Five rival beauty Andrea exclaimed, “Who’s keeping score?”

Subsequently, an apparently addled Juan threw more than a few air balls in his ill-fated attempt to match Kimberly. When former Pittsburg Pirate draftee Eric Bolling tried to get his “game on,” comely Kimberly kicked her right gam up Rockette-style. Pointing to his gorgeous colleague, an ardent Juan declared, “Wait! Wait! You’re distracting him! You can’t kick your legs to distract him!”

Apparently, Kimberly must have done so. As Eric completed his feckless effort, Kimberly pulled her hiked skirt back down and raised her hands in triumph, exclaiming, “Oh, yeah! Wooh, hooh!” Subsequently, when Andrea begin her successful distaff attempt, Kimberly shouted, “Go! Girls rule! Yeah!” And, they did.

Futilely, sports guy Brian tried to compete thereafter with little success. When he had finished, he queried, “Do we have a winner, control room?” After the producers seemingly whispered in his ear, Brian declared, “Kimberly and Andrea have tied.” Apparently, abandoning his formerly “so hot” Andrea for the moment, Juan raised Kimberly’s hand high in the air in victory, proclaiming her “the champ.”

Sexy Kimberly Guilfoyle: “The girl [just] can’t help it!”

*The Five – 06/08/13 @5:40 p.m. ET (Saturday re-airing of prior day)

[Author's aside: Sorry, CR readers for the delay: “Cleaning Out My Closet.”

“Exposing Myself” Again? Agonized Geraldo Out!

“There were tears! My adult daughters were there with my wife….nasty super PACs…having to relive…details in my book. FNC “Geraldo at Large” host Geraldo Rivera announced today that he is not running as a GOP candidate for the New Jersey U.S. Senate seat left open after the recent death of Senator Frank Lautenberg.

As Geraldo’s usual Friday Fox & Friends weekly promo segment for his show concluded today, F&F co-host Brian Kilmeade queried, “Are you going to run for the Senate seat in New Jersey, Geraldo Rivera?”*

In reply, Geraldo revealed, “Last night, I met with my family….Looking at the lay of the land, running as a Republican in a Democratic state, I would have…had to have…tens of millions of dollars. I was willing to spend a substantial part of my own, our family’s savings but it would have been a very difficult road.”

Clarifying Geraldo’s quasi-definitive answer further, Brian pointedly asked, “You’re not running?”

Without equivocation, wannabe pol Geraldo asservated, “I am not running for Senate.”

Following up, Brian sympathetically probed, “But, it was really agonizing for you?”

Shaking his head mournfully, Geraldo declared, “It was agonizing. There were tears! My adult daughters were there with my wife. We were talking about going up against super PAC’s, nasty super PAC’s, unlimited funds in the opponent.” With a defiant wave of his hand to his probable detractors, he explained, “Having to relive all of the, the things that Gretch [en Carlson] read in my book ['Exposing Myself'].”

Chuckling knowingly, Gretchen responded, “Alright. Tough decision. Thank you, Geraldo.”

*F&F – 06/07/13 (@ 8:12 a.m. ET)

Aly: “I’m Gonna Come Back!” Not!

Oops! She did it again–but, even worse! Yesterday, Fox & Friends fill-in Alisyn Camerota overslept and was half an hour late for the show: Today, she did not even make her promised return!

Substituting for the frequently absent Gretchen Carlson Monday, a chagrined Aly made her appearance on the program tardy by more than thirty minutes: After initially jesting that she had run off with the band Lonestar (F&F’s Friday summer concert band with Aly as sexy cowbell belle), she blamed it on her Blackberry alarm not going off and her malfunctioning internal alarm clock. Aptly, she said that she was sorry to her co-hosts, Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade, and emergency sub Ainsley Earhardt and asked for her audience’s forgiveness, saying, “I apologize. It’s so embarrassing!”

Much later, when the show was about to end, Steve alluded anew to Aly’s faux pas, saying, “Well, you know, things started, Aly actually didn’t look like [she] was going to make the show because the alarm didn’t go off.”* Deadpanning, Aly mischievously asked, “Is that the story [that] you are going with?” Smiling, Steve riposted, “Well, that’s what you told us!” Licking her upper lip impishly, Aly answered, “Oh! I didn’t know if we were going with the tour bus story or the alarm clock. I like both!”

Subsequently, as usual, Brian teased the next day’s show, announcing F&F‘s upcoming guests (Dr. Oz, Senator Marco Rubio, Miranda Kerr, and Laura Ingraham). Touting Tuesday’s show further, Steve remarked, “It’s a fantastic show.” In concert, raising her left hand for emphasis immediately, Aly declared, “I’m gonna come back!” Concluding, Steve exclaimed, “Alright!”: Turning to his F&F viewers, he added, “And, we hope you do, too!”

Unfortunately for Aly’s fans who returned to F&F today, their lovely lady was not true to her word. I.e., she did not return. On the bright side today, a second South Carolina “Morning Glory,” Anna Kooiman, was there today to arouse them at the break of the dawn.

*Fox & Friends – 06/03/13 (@ 8:59 a.m ET)

Aly Cat: “Sorry about That!..It’s So Embarrassing!

Waking hubby: “Hey…what are you doing?” Oops! Tardy substitute Fox & Friends co-host Alisyn Camerota had a very bad early morning: But, on the bright side, she may have had a very good late night.

When Aly failed to appear in for an absent Gretchen Carlson on the F&F curvy couch at the start of the show, a seemingly surprised Ainsley Earhardt, Fox & Friends First co-anchor, surfaced instead on F&F after her own show F&F First, exclaiming, “Well, good morning to you! It is Monday June 3rd….I’m filling in for Gretchen [Carlson] this morning.”

Providing scant cover for his long-time FNC colleague in the show intro (as producers ran a clip of Aly and FNC meteorologist Maria Molina suggestively jamming out with Lonestar last Friday on A.S.S.), co-anchor Brian Kilmeade jested, “Last we saw Aly Camerota, she was partying with the band on our Friday summer concert series and…she’s supposed to be here….[A]ll I know is she is not here. What happened? That story we have.”

Chiming in bawdily, co-host Steve Doocy teased, “She took off with the band! Hello!”

Then, after the F&F theme had played, Ainsley revealed, “Okay, so…we have to be honest here. I’m, like, anchoring the 5 a.m. show, and they’re saying, “Ainsley, we need you to stick around and zip downstairs to Studio B because Aly has overslept this morning! Aly was filling in for Gretchen.” Elaborating, she animatedly disclosed, “So, Aly moved out to Connecticut…recently…a year ago or something….So, this morning, we were…all saying, ‘Oh, her husband [Tim Lewis is] in trouble.’ She’s gonna be like, ‘We’re moving back into the city (NYC): I can’t be this far away from work.”

Trying to come to the aid of Aly valiantly, Brian added, “Well, here, here’s the problem, Ainsley, as you know: They had a five-and-a-half marathon on Saturday and then four hours again on Sunday and then they had the After the Show Show and then some post-tapes. This woman is worn out!”

Giving slightly less succor to the alluring Aly, Steve jibed, “Oh, come on! And, then throw in that she looked like she wanted to join the band.”

Much more amenably, Ainsley interjected, “Right! And, throw in a few kids and a husband. I mean, come on!”

Smiling comically, Steve concluded, “If and when she shows up, you’ll see her…as Ainsley disappears shortly.”

Approximately, thirty minutes later, Aly finally emerged from her make-up room and sashayed to the set, laughing, “I’m ready now!…I just got off the Lonestar tour bus: But, I’m back now.” Reaching the curvy couch with pastry sops, she apologized, “Thank you, guys! Sorry about that!”

Feigning irritation, Steve queried, “Where were you?”

Chagrinned, Aly exclaimed, “My Blackberry did not go off this morning! Yes, I’m blaming my alarm clock, and my internal alarm clock malfunctioned as well!” Looking into the camera at her fans and bowing her head as their supplicant, she said, “I apologize. It’s so embarrassing!”

Turning to Aly empathetically, Ainz asked, “Isn’t is so embarrassing when you wake up and the husband says, ‘Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’”

Heartily, Aly agreed, “It’s horrible! Revealing some benign early morning bedchamber chat with her mate, Aly added, “My husband goes, ‘Hey, It’s 4:30. What are you doing?’ I’m, like, ’4:30!’ Like my hair’s on fire, and I jumped up.” Grinning naughtily, Aly racily remarked, “And, he wasn’t happy about me going on the tour with Lonestar either! So, I’m in the doghouse!”

Lonestar love to lonely lady! From “cathouse” to “doghouse”? Regardless, Aly is in the house!

[Author's aside: For a pic of Aly, Tim, their twin daughters (Alessandra and Francesca) and their son, Nate, link here.]

Kooiman’s Kinky “White Wedding”

Anna the next F&F spring bride-to-be? FNC correspondent Anna Kooiman subtly announced today that she is getting married (at least, if the past two years of Fox & Friends spring wedding exercise segments are a precedent). In her first promo of her “Wedding Workout! How to Slim Down for the Big Day” racy couples fitness segment, Anna excitedly did jumping jacks with her white veil and faux marital garb to the tune of Billy Idol’s “White Wedding”: Off camera, F&F co-host Brian Kilmeade teased, “I think one is getting married: I think they’re all getting married, including Kooiman.”*

Later, when F&F co-anchor Alisyn Camerota introduced F&F‘s “Wedding Workout!” segment in the second hour, a smiling Anna appeared on camera in her ivory attire animatedly doing jumping jacks new–but this time with a suggestive ebony blindfold over her eyes.** Pulling it up momentarily, Anna remarked, “A couple that works out together stays together. And, that’s the idea behind…a brand new wedding season class at New York Sports Club.” Turning to her musclebound, blindfolded partner dressed all in black, she said, “This is my hubby….As if her real man were watching, she reassuringly declared, “He’s my stand-in hubby, just for the day!” [Italics added for emphasis.]

Subsequently, she had her “man of the moment” massage her shoulders as she interviewed the NY Sports Club instructors, asking them the name of their class: When the lady instructor responded “Tough Love,” Anna prompted her to give the rest of the risque rubric, “Bars, bands, and blindfolds.” Pulling her blindfold back over her eyes seductively, Anna racily remarked, “And, blindfolds. We are channeling Fifty Shades of Grey [an erotic romance thriller].” Subsequently, she did some “trust squats” blindfolded back-to-back with her partner and some bondage exercises (albeit free of the large rubber band loosely binding the ankles of some of the others).

When Anna began to wrap her report and segue back to the three F&F co-anchors, Steve Doocy randily queried, “What does the blindfold do?” Blushing, a grinning Anna answered, “This is what’s building the trust.” As Aly arched her eyebrows knowingly and echoed “the trust,” Ann continued, “I think because of the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey, they are trying to…capitalize on that a bit.”

As Anna’s segment concluded, Aly intoned, “That’s great. Anna, I love that you turned to your partner like ‘married only for the day,’ ‘only for right now’ you had to tell him.” Hugging her hunk du jour in response, Ann chuckled, “Just for the day. Great, though!” Interjecting bawdily, Brian jested, “Right. Because he was hoping for the honeymoon!” As Steve smiled and Aly laughed, Anna tersely replied, “Yeah, yeah.”

“Yeah, yeah, Brian.” Anna probably already has her boy toy in tow if F&F‘s past is a prelude to her future. Almost two years ago (June 5, 2011), F&FW guest co-host Molly Line did a Nikki Fitness segment with “brides” in white entitled, “Bridal Boot Camp: Tips to get in shape for the big day”: Four days later on F&F weekday, she proudly proclaimed that she was betrothed and happily displayed her new engagement ring. Last year (June 14, 2012), Ainsley did her own Nikki Fitness segment titled, “Wedding Workout: Exercises to Get You Ready for the Big Day” in white connubial dress: Two weeks to the day later, Ainz was sporting her own connubial bling but waited until another month and half to announce, “Yes, I’m getting married.”

This year, Anna followed with her saucier version of the annual spring “white wedding” exercise segment: Today, it sounded as if Anna may have her own marital band in full view. Anna’s foot may not have fit into Cinderella’s glass slipper two days ago: But, she appears to have her real Prince at the ready.

*F&F – 05/02/13 (@ 6:56 a.m. ET)

**Ibid at @ 6:38 a.m. ET.

Game Day Over: Aly’s “B Team” Back!

No news is good news for Fox & Friends Weekend co-hosts Clayton Morris and Tucker Carlson. Yesterday, FNC’s “A Team” took the field after the capture of the last of the Boston Marathon bomber brothers: From an early edition F&F First to America Live, FNC’s regular programming (save for Happening Now) and their co-hosts returned to the day’s fare. Nevertheless, F&FW co-host Alisyn Camerota maintained her pivotal position on F&F‘s curvy couch as she was joined by FNC’s week-day alpha dogs, Brian Kilmeade (F&F co-anchor) and Jon Scott (Happening Now co-host). Notably, F&FW “B Team” boys, Clayton and Tucker were sent to the sidelines without a mere mention to their F&FW fans.

But, today was a new day. As the news returned to normal, Aly still reigned supreme on her curvy couch. And, joining her again were her courtiers, Clayton and Tucker, comfortably ensconced as her bookends: The alpha males had gone away and the beta boys were back in town.

Today, all was right again–at least, in F&FW‘s world.

Terse Gretch Explains Absence

“I’m glad to be back here today.” Fox & Friends co-anchor Gretchen Carlson seemed rather defensive this morning about her absence yesterday from F&F‘s Boston Marathon tragedy special edition. Appearing eager to explain America Live‘s Megyn Kelly‘s appearance on the curvy couch in her place, Gretchen got straight to the point as soon as the show started.

After the obligatory opening teases for the program, Gretchen solemnly said, “Welcome, everyone. Good to be back.” As her co-hosts Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy looked at her with stone faces, a seemingly agitated Gretchen declared, “Unfortunately, I was on an airplane when all of this happened in Boston and could not get from the West Coast. I’m glad to be back here today.” In response, Steve stayed strangely silent and Brian simply said, “Yeah.”

Yeah. Sounds like someone may have heard the scuttlebutt. Or, read Carpe Diem yesterday.

F&F’s Special Megyn Kelly: “Now I’m Curvy”

Preggers pretty: “This is interesting for me.” America Live anchor Megyn Kelly returned regally to Fox & Friends‘ curvy couch this morning to fill-in for the seemingly increasingly absent Gretchen Carlson. Looking resplendent in a purple modest dress with a demurely plunging neckline, the gravid beauty joined co-hosts Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade for a Boston Marathon tragedy special edition. Like F&F Weekend co-anchor Alisyn Camerota who oft takes the field for F&F‘s ”A Team” on other momentous occasions, Megyn provided her usual grace and necessary gravitas to carry the show with the boys for four long hours of in-depth coverage of the horrific killings and the monstrous maimings on Patriot Day as the Bean City showcased the national’s oldest marathon.

After F&F coverage of the chaos for over two long hours, Megyn decided to give her audience a short interlude of levity. Mid-show, subsequent to Boston-based FNC correspondent Molly Line‘s report subtitled “Boston Terror Bombings,” she started to discuss the survivors’ loss of their limbs and security and to contrast their plight with the comfort of the co-hosts and their viewers, saying, “Here we are…on the curvy couch.” Interrupting herself mid-sentence, Megyn declared, “This is interesting for me. I did it [co-hosting] once seven years ago”: Placing both her palms on her stomach, she chuckled, “But, never pregnant!”

Pointing to Megyn’s baby bump in reply, Steve smilingly jested, “Now you’re curvy to go with the couch!” Grinning jauntily, Megyn replied, “Now, I’m curvy, right! You’ve got a curvy anchor to go on the curvy couch!”

Vintage Megyn Kelly: serious news–with her saucy take. Lawyer journo GQ “hot”!

[Author's aside: For Megyn's AL announcement of her third-to-be, cf. here for video.]

Aly in Red: Naked Again!

Rocking and ringless anew? Sexy Fox & Friends Weekend co-anchor Alisyn Camerota guest-hosted America’s Newsroom in a state of connubial dishabille yesterday. Filling in for AN co-host Martha MacCallum (who also has had her own “ringless” AM moments), Aly sported a demure fire-red dress with tanned-nude high heels to match sans wedding band.* Sitting beside her co-anchor Bill Hemmer, a lovely Aly appeared unencumbered, embodying DeBurgh’s lovely lady in red.

As long-time F&FW fans may remember, Aly interrupted her five-month abdication of her throne in 2011 to guest-host F&F weekday on July 10, 2011. While doing so, the Bohemian beauty ditched her marital band and rocked out during Loverboy’s live rendition of “Working for the Weekend” in her “‘hep’ headband and a matching wristband” atop the shoulders of an appreciative co-anchor Brian Kilmeade.** Since Carpe Diem chronicled that festive event (Aly’s Back: She’s Rocking–& Ringless), she has dutifully adorned herself in her connubial bond to hubby Tim Lewis.

“Lady in Red”: naked again! Tethered or not, Aly’s never “shine(d) so bright.”

*America’s Newsroom – 03/27/13 (vid – 2:47/5:35)

**Fox & Friends – 06/10/11 (vid – 1:59/4:13)

“I’m Alisyn Camerota”: Gretchen Who?

“Gretchen is off this week and Aly is in her spot.” Thus, Fox & Friends co-anchor Steve Doocy explained yesterday the latest absence of co-host Gretchen Carlson, who has reportedly been haggling with FNC for her own show.*  However, today, without any mention of filling in for Gretchen, guest co-anchor Alisyn Camerota introduced herself at the start of each hour simply saying, “I’m Alisyn Camerota.” Noteworthy? Perhaps.

As Gretchen absences seem more and more oft, Fox & Friends fans may be forgiven for wondering if FNC Executive VP of Programming Bill Shine is auditioning vixens anew for the center seat on the curvy couch. Monday, Fox & Friends First co-host Ainsley Earhardt made an appearance; Tuesday, Anna Kooiman, the former F&FF co-anchor who has suddenly enjoyed a significant presence on F&F (corresponding with the one-year anniversary of the latest iteration of F&FF which she and Ainsley christened together).* Yesterday and today, Aly, the consummate center F&F curvy couch co-anchor, took “Gretchen’s place” not only without a hitch but took it up a notch as usual.

If Gretchen does leave her seat on the F&F shared sofa for her own FNC chair, it seems obvious that Aly would be the natural choice. But, Anna appears to be the “wild card”: She’s smart, beautiful, and, oh, so ENERGETIC–and F&F wants its viewers to get to know her better:  Lately, it has proudly showcased her on a very regular basis, e.g., as the sexy “turbo kicking” teacher [vid]; the sensual Cirque du Soleil acrobat; and as the fearless five-city reporter in search of an “honest man.”

Nevertheless, the author tends to think that the more seasoned Aly is and would continue to be a natural fit with the weekday A-Team of Steve and Brian Kilmeade. As for Anna? She certainly would serve as a sexy, sharp, spunky F&F Weekend co-host to contrast with the ever awkward Tucker Carlson and “tech geek” Clayton Morris if Aly moves up when Gretch moves out.

*Fox & Friends – 03/20/13 (@ 8:01 a.m. ET)

Nicoles’ Sexy “Stalk”: Janice’s Breathy Walk!

Saucy Dean apes sultry Petallides: Fox-y catwalk catfight? Playful FNC meteorologist Janice Dean made racy sport of her colleague FBN correspondent Nicole Petallides‘ “stalk walk” this morning to the great delight of Fox & Friends‘ co-hosts and its fans.

Less than five minutes after the always sensual Nicole gave her usual “walk-and-talk” business report (from the floor of the New York Stock exchange), a playful Janice appeared for her weather report outside the studio.* After her intro from F&F co-host Steve Doocy as the “Snowball Machine,” Janice remarked, “Now, Steve, Gretch [Carlson], and Brian [Kilmeade], I’m a big fan of Nicole Petallides’ stalk walk, you know when she walks and she talks about the stock. So…I think I’m going to do a weather walk: So, I’m going to talk about the weather while I walk.”  Raising her eyebrows wantonly, she purred, “Are you ready? Are you ready for this?”

Excitedly, Gretchen interposed, “Oh, my gosh!”

Pulling back her shoulders, Janice began to sexily sashay down the F&F veranda. As Steve giggled and Gretchen cackled, Janice breathily began to give her weather report. Joining in the bawdy fun, producers suddenly started to play stereotypical sexploitation music (a la Shaft‘s theme): Naughtily, an off-cam Steve teased, “Janice, how would you describe the voice you’re using right now?”

Staying in character, an undaunted Janice continued her rutty strut, cooing, “It’s my weather walk voice!” As an appreciative Steve laughed, an even more impressed Gretchen intoned, “Oh, my gosh! This is fantastic!” As Janice beamed broadly, a randy Brian interjected, “By the way, Ted on camera is going to need a shower after this segment!”

Bowing after her bravo performance, Janice declared, “There’s my weather walk everybody!” Smiling, Steve said, “Very nicely done! Pioneering a new aspect on Fox & Friends!” Chiming in, Gretchen added, “Janice, you realize [that] we’re going to expect that everyday now!”

Enthusiastically, Janice answered, “Fantastic! It’s the only time I’m going to get exercise.”

As the segment ended, Brian pronounced, “So, that’s the weather walk. Nicole will have her answer at some point, I’m sure.”

Indeed. And, assuredly, the gammy Greek goddess’ votaries eagerly await that answer to the cheeky Canadian’s challenge.

Until then, kudos, Janice! And, encore! Encore!

*Fox & Friends – 02/28/13 (@ 8:38 a.m. ET)

Gretch’s Valentine Secret: “Not…For Broadcast!”

“Everyone’s going to have a good Valentine’s Day but me now.” Oops! Fox & Friends du jour “Dr. Love” Marc Siegel let co-anchor Gretchen Carlson‘s off-air romance remark about her hubby Casey Close out of the bag this morning–much to her chagrin. Poor Casey!

In the segment about medical love myths, Gretchen asked Dr. Siegel whether “love at first sight” exists.* After he had declared that it does indeed, co-host Brian Kilmeade interjected, asking if nature was thereby drawing men and women together to procreate. Emphatically, Dr. Siegel asserted, “Absolutely true, within the first couple of seconds!” Elaborating, perhaps, a mite too much, he declared, “It’s not all over after that….Well, you guys…told me you didn’t really love at first sight.” Pointing to Gretchen, Dr. Siegel added, “You didn’t have love at first sight with Casey, you told me.”

Her face reddening to match her dress, a chagrinned Gretchen chuckled, “Oh! Excuse me! That was not necessarily for broadcast.” Looking into the camera as if at her hubby, she fervently declared, “I love you, Honey! Happy Valentine’s Day!” Turning to Brian, she laughed, “Suddenly, this segment’s taking a totally different turn.”

As the segment ended, Gretchen remarked, “Everyone is going to have a good Valentine’s Day except for me now….I hope he’s still sleeping!” Trying to make it up to her man, she explained, “He is a fantastic husband…We, we met on a blind date. It was love at first sight–on the third date!”

“Casey at bat”: With Gretchen, he was “close” but he didn’t strike out!

*Fox & Friends – 02/14/13 (@ 6:23 a.m. ET)

Gretchen’s Joke Falls Flat: “Can You Hear Me?”

Brian: “Yeah, I can.” Today, Fox & Friends co-host Gretchen Carlson ribbed her co-anchor Brian Kilmeade about “one of [his] favorite spies…Anna Chapman“–and Brian was not amused. So much so that he ignored Gretchen–to her chagrin. And, the former Miss America is not fond of such a lese-majeste: But, today, she had to sit back on her curvy couch “throne” and brook it.

Mid-show this morn, as producers ran footage of Victoria’s Secret models saucily sashaying down the catwalk and sexily posing for the camera, Gretchen read the headline story entitled, “‘Don’t Be a Plain Jane’: Feds Train Workers to Improve Their Looks” (re a DIA presentation encouraging female employees to don makeup, wear skirts, and paint their nails).  Segueing to a split-screen Brian (co-anchoring from the Big Easy post Super Bowl), Gretchen jested, “Now, Brian, I know that…one of your favorite spies ever was Anna Chapman from Russia. And, she tended to dress up in a skirt, makeup, and used probably some nail polish.”

As Gretchen spoke, Brian, frowning, looked straight ahead at the camera. When Gretchen had finished, Brian looked down at his notes instead of replying. Befuddled at his non-response, Gretchen asked, “Can you hear me?” Looking up without a smile, Brian replied, “Yeah, I can. I, I just never fell for her, her trap. I do believe there is a bigger story there and you know that.”  Embarrassed, Gretchen gulped hard, pursed her lips, and nodded her head repeatedly. With a slight smile, Brian continued,” And, everyone just because she’s hot and has a nice body people kind of fell for it. But, I believe the Russians are still here.”

Russians? Yesteryear, they were red: Today, Gretchen was.

Fox & Friends - 02/04/13 – 7:37 a.m. ET

Brian “Kill-mead”: Governor “Bobby Kindel”

Sandra Lee’s special sauce at fault? Fox & Friends co-host Brian Kilmeade imbibed the New Orleans experience, perhaps, too literally this morning. During an F&F Sandra Lee Super Bowl snack segment at the New Orleans Convention Center this morning, Brian sampled Lee’s Bloody Mary, perhaps, as a “hair of the dog” delight after his foray onto Bourbon Street last night. Subsequently–or consequently, he thereafter mangled Lee’s apparent sponsor LG TV calling it LD TV. Not surprisingly, Lee responded by giving him apt grief for his gaffe: Furthermore, when Brian tossed back to his co-anchors, Steve Doocy ribbed him all the more about his drinking and his faux pas.

Obviously, a good swig of demon rum will not normally muddle one’s mind. However, Brian seemed to be suffering from some  lingering effect this afternoon before his interview of Louisiana’s governor, Bobby Jindal. Tweeting from outside the gubernatorial abode, Brian declared, “Heading in to gov mansion to intv Bobby Kindel @foxandfriends http://yfrog.com/mg4ybqsj.” After getting ribbed by his Tweeps about his obvious error (including the author), Brian did not respond: Rather, once the interview had concluded, he generically Tweeted, “Great 25 min with the Governor. Could not have been more upbeat and optimistic @foxandfriends http://yfrog.com/kj3wpuhj.”

Guess Governor Jindal pardoned Brian for his lese-majeste in the spirit of Mardi Gras. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

[Author's aside: "Kill-mead" is a not so subtle reference to the preferred intoxicant enjoyed in Beowulf.]

Cheryl Casone: “You’re So Bad! You’re So Bad!”

Brian Kilmeade: “Everyone remembers their first Scholtzsky’s sandwich!” Puckish Fox & Friends co-host Brian Kilmeade made sexy FBN anchor and triathlete Cheryl Casone blush this morning (on F&F during her regular “Jobs in America” report). Just one jest: that’s all it took.

During Cheryl’s report on companies that were hiring in the United States, she cited Dallas-based Schlotzky’s, ad-libbing that she once lived in Dallas and that she had had her first Schotzky’s sandwich there. At the end of that portion of her report, Brian bawdily interjected, “Everyone remembers their first Scholtzsky’s sandwich!”*

Appearing to take Brian’s risque remark literally, Cheryl shrugged, chuckling, “Pretty good!” However, after Cheryl’s segment had ended (and Brian had teased an upcoming Laura Ingraham interview), Cheryl seemed to have got Brian’s double entendre all too well. After Ingraham’s pic appeared onscreen, the camera returned to Cheryl and Brian: As Brian stood up, a still sitting Cheryl looked up at Brian and shook her head.

Reddening, she mouthed, “You’re so bad! You’re so bad!” Beaming, Brian reached out to Cheryl with his right hand as if to explain his impish tease. Flushed but smiling, Cheryl playfully smacked her naughty boy on the arm with her papers. Grinning, an unchastened Brian walked away with a goatish glint in his eye.

*Fox & Friends – 01/29/13 (@ 7:55 a.m. ET)

[Author's aside: If the reader is unfamiliar with the more salacious meanings of sandwich, s/he may want to consult the Urban Dictionary: Link here.]

Heather’s Virgin Vacation: Best Birthday Ever :)

“Thanks @tzb3.” Throwing caution to the winds, Fox & Friends First co-host Heather Childers shared her daily diary and personal pictures with her Tweeps as she took a rapturous romp in the Virgin Islands with her apparent beau @tzb3. From the time that  she and her honey left Charlotte, North Carolina, Heather regaled her followers with photos of her island destination (St. Thomas), with her sublime experiences (wading in the surf, greeting the sunrise, dining shore-side, catching the St. Thomas – St. John Ferry, imbibing her balcony rainbow, and basking in the Baths), and with a few sexy bikini pics to boot (1, 2).

Yes, Heather can hang with her shapely Fox & Friends First colleagues Ainsley Earhardt and Anna Kooiman (and alums of the same South Carolina elementary school). Surely, Ainsley caught Jay Leno’s eye when her derriere was ogled seemingly by former F&FW co-host Dave Briggs and Anna snared the attention of F&F co-anchors Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy with her “booty shaking” morning dance: But, Heather has now brought her own sexy Southern touch to FNC by sharing the ambiance, aesthetics, and allure of her Caribbean birthday bash with her own fervid fans.

Heather heat: Hot Child-ers in the City!

[Author's aside: Re "Best birthday ever :) Thanks @tzb3" in title, supra, cf. Heather's "Sparkling lights of #StThomas!" post."]

F&FF’s Old Turkey: “Scrambled Up!”

Finally, thrown out? Thankfully, Fox & Friends First‘s awkward “Scrambled Up” signature sign-off seems to have surceased around Thanksgiving. After almost a month of its absence as the segue segment from F&FF to Fox & Friends, it seems safe to say that it has run its course. Now, there is no toss from F&FF co-hosts to their F&F counterparts: instead of the usual hand-off, the F&FF co-anchors crisply conclude their show and simply announce that F&F is next.

For FNC fans who have dreaded the tortured toss exchanges between the F&FF co-hosts and their Fox & Friends colleagues, the change is a welcome one. The F&FF ladies (Ainsley Earhardt, Heather Childers, Heather Nauert, and Patti Ann Browne) no longer have to play second fiddle to F&F diva Gretchen Carlson or her boys, Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy. In fact, they don’t have to play at all with their seemingly scornful sibs who appeared to disdain playing the “Scrambled Up!” jumble with their  F&FF “little sisters.”

Apparently, Ainz, PAB, and the two Heathers are all grown up now–and on their own. At last.

Aly: “Steve & Brian Here with Me”

Gretchen: Hey, everyone! I’m…in for Shep today. Aly at Fox & Friends’ helm soon? Today, FNC anchor Alisyn Camerota was in charge of the F&F “A Team” as F&F Weekend covered the Connecticut school carnage. After a special weekend edition of F&F First, Aly welcomed her audience and the F&F “big boys,” saying, “Good morning, everyone! We appreciate you joining us on this very sad morning. It’s great to have Steve [Doocy] and Brian [Kilmeade] here with me.”

Remarkably, Aly did not note the absence of either of her regular F&FW co-hosts Clayton Morris or Dave Briggs. Furthermore, in this Fox & Friends “special edition,” Aly did not mention her purported “A Team” counterpart Gretchen Carlson, who was conspicuously missing this morning. Has the changing of the F&F “A Team” guard already begun?

Only two days ago, seldom solo host Gretchen notably filled in for Shepard Smith on Studio B, an FNC afternoon show (saying, “Hello, everyone! I’m…in for Shep today”):* Perhaps, her contract negotiations have begun to bear more fruit. According to New York Magazine, Gretchen was “said to want to host her own show on the network but Fox executives [were] resistant to the idea”: furthermore, it reported that a source had said that she had reached a “short-term accord that would keep her on the curvy couch with Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade until the election” but added that “after November, it’s unclear.”

Perhaps, tellingly, Gretchen has seemed to be particularly strident in her polemics lately–as if she might be auditioning for “her own show.” And, her co-hosts Steve and Brian appear reluctantly to be biting their tongue all the more. Perchance, they think that she is starting to spread her wings in anticipation of a flight on her own soon to a later hour on FNC.

Post-election F&F: Gretch a goner? If so, is Aly their new “It girl”? Stay tuned.

*Studio B with Shepard Smith – 12/13/12 (@ 3:00 a.m. ET)

Gretchen’s Cups: “I’m Still a Woman!”

Carlson: “When I woke up this morning and took a shower and I looked down, I still had to put a bra on!” To paraphrase Shania Twain, Fox & Friends anchor Gretchen Carlson feels like a woman! She needs her cups and her F&F boys, Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy, need their cups, too.

For Gretchen’s male admirers who may feel like F&F‘s “alpha bitch” is always kvetching a bit too much, she seemed to turn up the heat for them Wednesday. As the show started with a tease for a “new website helping you find love at the airport,” Gretchen cooed, “I hate to bring it up so early in the morning but there have been a lot of jokes about hooking up on airplanes.” Feigning innocence, she said, “You know, there’s that club so I’m just wondering if that’s what they’re talking about with this dating site.” Chuckling racily, she added, “If you’re married, you’re going to hate this dating site because there could be a lot of other kind of hookups with married people traveling.”

An hour later, when the second F&F hour began, Brian “innocently” promoted a similarly salacious segment, saying, “It’s the story you’ll be talking about all day. More and more men say they’ll never get married because women aren’t women anymore….Gretchen’s gonna punch me in a second.”

In response, Gretchen remarked, “Not at all!” Smiling saucily, she elaborated, “I just think it’s a provocative conversation because when I woke up this morning and took a shower and I looked down…I still had to put a bra on.” When her co-host Steve Doocy joked, “Fox News Alert!,” Gretchen racily riposted, “I’m still a woman….And, I love being a woman. And I, I absolutely love my feminine side!”

Always the wicked wag, Brian jested, “And Steve and I looked down and we didn’t put on bras. So, we know we’re men!”

Laughing, Gretchen bawdily  responded, “You put on a cup!” Beaming, Brian retorted, “Yeah, yeah, absolutely! Because this is a tough business we’ve chosen! Grinning, Steve answered, “You’ve got that right!” Naughtily, Gretchen concluded, “You should just wear it just in case: That’s why I wear the underwire [bra].”

As Steve segued to his more “naive” son Peter Doocy for the next segment, Gretchen lustily laughed, “I know you’re chuckling, Peter, because you didn’t hear any of that first part of the conversation. Did you?” Smiling, Peter answered, “No, I heard it! But, we’re just going to, I’m just going to keep it going.”

Chiming in deftly, Steve exclaimed, “Good idea!” No rubbing Gretchen’s toes for Peter today!

F&F Cat Spat: Gretch “Slimes” the Two Heathers

Nauert: “She’s wrong for once.” Fox & Friends co-anchor Gretchen Carlson got rather perturbed at her fellow FNC blonde colleagues, F&F First co-hosts Heather Nauert and Heather Childers, for correcting her on air yesterday. In the “Scrambled Up!” segue (consisting of the jumbled letters of a word from a story in the show) from the early F&FF to F&F, Gretchen usually has found it frustrating and daunting: But, Monday she sat smug and confident before the two Heathers’ toss (of the letters, “m,” “l,” “e,” “i,” and “s”). Just not for long.

After F&FF‘s penultimate segment concluded, “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly” segment, Nauert declared, “Okay, it’s time to get ‘Scrambled Up’ and Gretchen Carlson is here to help us.”

Grinning, Gretchen blurted, “I already know it: slime.”

“Slime?” queried Nauert, incredulously. Echoing her, Childers chimed, “Slime?”

Rolling her eyes at Gretchen’s answer, a smiling Nauert replied, “Noooo.”

After, possibly, getting the real answer in her ear, Gretchen rolled her shoulders, proclaiming, “It could be.” As Gretchen’s co-host Steve Doocy and Childers chorused “smile” in reply, Nauert charitably declared, “She’s wrong for once.”

Not willing to concedeto her F&F colleagues, Gretchen proudly insisted, “It could be slime.” Coming to her succor, Gretchen’s other co-host Brian Kilmeade inaccurately interjected, “It’s true.”

Looking through the camera at Gretchen with outstretched palms, Nauert confidently declared, “It’s ‘smile’!”

Mimicking Nauert’s body language, Gretchen defiantly shouted, “It could be ‘slime’!”

Compliantly, Nauert’s co-host Childers concurred, “It could have been ‘slime’”: Less deferential to her F&F elder, a seemingly sarcastic Nauert laughed, “It could be. Yes, yes. Very good, Gretchen!”

Having secured her possibly Pyrrhic victory for the moment, Gretchen riposted, “Okay. But, I’ll smile when I say it. Thanks, ladies!”

After that cat spat ended (and as F&FF ended and F&F began), Brian aptly asked, “Was slime in the show, though?” Ignoring his clear implication that she was wrong (since the answer has to have a word in the show itself), Gretchen blithely proclaimed, “That may be the first time that we’ve had a word that could be two words.”

[Author's aside: Actually, Gretchen was right that the answer could have been two words: However, "slime" was not one of them. Both "smile" and "miles" were contained within the subtitles of F&FF stories (consecutive ones) less than ten minutes before "Scrambled Up": "Smiles Not Always Contagious: Bosses Grin at Those Lower in Pecking Order" and "By the Numbers: 24 Miles, 4 Minutes, and 834 MPH" (about the space dive of "Fearless Felix").*]

*Fox & Friends First – 10/15/12 (@ 5:51 a.m. ET)