Mark Levin Barks: Perino “Bushie…Jerk”!

Dana Perino snarks: Carson less credible. Republican divide: “RINO” vs. Reaganite? Yesterday, Five co-host Dana Perino, Bush 43′s former White House Press Secretary, took a sharp jab at Dr. Ben Carson, who had appeared Monday on conservative Reagan administration aide Mark Levin‘s show. In a segment entitled “Carson Fights Back” which featured the doctor who had said on the Mark Levin Show that “a lot of white liberals” who had challenged him for coming “off the plantation” are the “most racist people there are,” Dana concurred with her co-host Bob Beckel that liberals were not losing any sleep over Carson, adding, “He has burned through so much of his credibility. He’s on every talk show every evening….He’s everywhere!”

Not surprisingly, Levin did not take lightly to Perino’s putative putdown of his program and Carson’s appearance on it. Without naming her by name, Levin snarled, “One of the people on the Five, a female, she can barely contain herself that they would play a clip of this program on the Five. She’s a Bushie!…She said…that Dr. Carson doesn’t do himself any favors going on all these cable TV programs and radio programs and going on these programs where his best interests are not taken to heart. And this former Bushie on the Five to claim that I don’t have Dr. Carson’s best interests at heart is pathetic.”

Showing that the Reagan/Rockfeller (Bush) Republican rift is alive and well, Levin growled, “Folks, I am sick of the preening, elitist, country club Republicans who don’t have a clue! Some of us are in this battle to win. We are not apologists! We take on our opponents: We put on the brass knuckles. I don’t know what she has done for this country other than serve as a spokesman for a President. But, I can tell you that many of you and I, we have been the precinct workers, we have been the litigators, we have been the activists, long before people like her were ever on the public scene.”

Concluding his counterattack, Levin roared, “Ben Carson’s under attack. And, who attacks me? And, who attacks those of us who are trying to promote his message and defend him? This jerk on The Five–who obviously has his interests at heart. Obnoxious!”

The GOP battle for the White House in 2016 is on!

Beckel Bawdy: Malkin Unamused

“Maligned” Tantaros: Don’t worry. I can handle carrots.” Five co-anchor Andrea Tantaros was almost unfazed by her co-anchor Bob Beckel who aimed his latest ribald remark squarely at her. In the penultimate segment of the Five yesterday about organic food, Andrea wielded an organic carrot and pointed it at Bob: never one to miss a moment to utter a double entendre, Bob cracked that she looked like she “could handle a hairy carrot.”* As a grinning Andrea rolled her eyes with her mouth agape in incredulity, the usually prim and proper co-anchor Dana Perino smiled and turned to co-host Eric Bolling, pleading, “Help him, Eric! Help him!”

Chuckling, Eric skillfully channeled the discussion back to the merits of organic veggies. As the segment began to conclude, Andrea, with her arms crossed in somewhat mock indignation, haltingly asked, “Are, you going to apologize?” Less than convincingly, Bob replied, “Yes, I apologize!” Grabbing a carrot from the plate, Bob protested, “But, that’s because you were waving it at my head!” As Andrea shook her head at yet another of his double entendres, Bob laughed, “My head? Whatever! I’m sorry!”

Clueless or wickedly clever, Dana interposed, “You remember the boneless chicken ranch?…The Far Side cartoon, Gary Larson did a thing about the boneless chicken ranch and the chickens were all like this [her head limp] over the fence.” Looking at Dana with a goatish gleam, an unrepentant Bob declared, “I’ve been to the Chicken Ranch [brothel (NSW)] in…Las Vegas. That sort of reminds me of a night of drinking.”

With her arms still crossed, Andrea acerbically announced, “That’s [a la boneless chicken necks] how you are going to be after this show!” Raising his voice, Bob riposted, “Alright, will you take it easy? You’re the one who talked about my–never mind!” Giggling, Andrea shook her anew at her bumbling, bumptious Bob.

Soon after the show, indignant Twitchy.com founder Michelle Malkin Tweeted, “NOT breaking: Bob Beckel said something sexually degrading and misogynist. And will get away with it. Again.” [Cf. Twitchy.com's "Gross: Serial misogynist Bob Beckel directs vulgar remark at Andrea Tantaros." Seemingly, in response, Andrea Pooh-poohed the matter [comparing it to Brent Musburger's BCS Miss Alabama mutterings], jesting, “Don’t worry. I can handle carrots, in fact so well that I hit Bob with them off screen. He’s applying for a job at ESPN as we speak.”

Apparently, Bob will be Bob. And, Andrea appears okay with that. Michelle? Not so much.

*The Five – 01/08/12 (@ 5:52 a.m. ET)

Bob Beckel: “Did the Beeper Work?”

[That's] what I’m really worried about.” B***s***? The Five fell strangely silent today during a “live” segment for approximately eleven seconds–with no explanation.* Displacing its polemic panel, an ominous “The Five” star graphic atop a blue background appeared suddenly onscreen. The ghost of Mrs. Grundy?

During this segment, his segment, co-host Eric Bolling posited that “President Obama a/k/a Mr. Transparent [was] rope-a-dope[ing] the press when asked about the Petraeus affair.” When guest co-anchor K.T. McFarland and co-host Bob Beckel began to debate whether President Obama was availing himself of “plausible deniability,” Eric acerbically interjected, “What you really don’t want is the President of the United States to lie, in fact.” Without warning nor explanation, the audio was muted and the screen went blue (with “The Five” star).

After about twelve seconds had elapsed, The Five co-hosts reappeared seemingly tacitly attesting to the rude interruption: Kimberly Guilfoyle laughed as she hid her face in her left hand; Greg Gutfeld chuckled to himself and looked over at Bob in amusement; K.T.  tried to keep her composure as she looked straight ahead and blinked her eyes rapidly; Bob looked into the distance with his mouth agape; and Eric appeared to try to read the teleprompter with feigned gravity.

After praising the military who stood apart from their perchance rogue rakish leaders, Eric seemed to question the credibility of the sexy socialite Jill Kelly who allegedly ignited the inquery and laughing asked roue Bob if he had ever known such an “honorary consul general.” Looking over at Eric, Bob jested, “What I’m really concerned about is did the beeper work?”

Apparently, loathe to acknowledge that The Five might not be exactly live anymore, Eric monotoned, “Did the beeper work?” Slightly smiling, Bob anwered, “Yeah.” Softly, Kimberly unconvincingly interposed, “No.”

Then, as if a producer had whispered in her ear to change the topic posthaste, Kimberly animatedly stammered, “Listen! The beep, this is a woman that I thing we’re going to learn a lot more about.” Tellingly, Greg glanced at the panel bemusedly, chuckled to himself, and beamed back at someone offset.

In the following segment, Greg appeared to translucently reveal the secret of the censored segment. Re President Obama’s view of whether climate change caused Hurricane Sandy, Greg defiantly declared, “He even admits finally  that that’s baloney–or b.s.!”** As Greg began to address Bob, a chuckling Eric looked up from his papers, exclaiming, “Don’t say it!”

Don’t say it indeed, Bob. At least, on air!

*The Five – 11/14/12 (@ 5:19 a.m. ET).

**Ibid at @ 5:29 a.m. ET.

Andrea Tantaros: Yes, I’m in Playboy

“Sorry!” Conservative The Five co-host Andrea Tantaros revealed Thursday that she is in the November 2012 issue of Playboy magazine. In a Tweet to her followers, Greg Gutfeld‘s leggy “Greek olive” teased, “Yes, I’m in Playboy this month.” Subsequently, dashing her acolytes’ amatory ardor, she elaborated, “John Meroney interviews me, Buchanan, Will and others on the world of TV and politics. No photos tho.”

To her disappointed male admirers, Andrea apologized, saying, “Sorry!” Then, as a conciliatory sop to them, she concluded, “So guys, if you get caught with the Playboy, you can finally use the excuse that you’re only reading it for the articles.”

For Andrea’s fervid fans, doubtlessly, little consolation.

[Author's aside: Ironically, Andrea attacked Playboy three years ago in a post entitled, "Is Misogyny Back in Vogue?" She decried it as having 'lost all of their sense of humor and their sense of decency by allowing conservative women to become a punching bag--and a punch line--for the left." Apparently, Playboy has come a long way, baby.]

Proud Perino: “World’s Hottest Grandmother”

“One More Thing”: Do you remember what you call me? The Five co-host Dana Perino finally introduced her Scottish step grandchildren to her FNC fans. More than a year ago, then virgin Fox & Friends Weekend guest-host Dana revealed to her incredulous audience that she was a grandmother, to two Scottish children, Rachel and Sebastian: Furthermore, she mentioned that that they called her “Grandma America.” Yesterday, as The Five‘s ultimate segment concluded, Dana declared, “I have a special “One More Thing”: I have my–believe it or not–my grandchildren from Scotland…Rachel and Sebastian, are here.”

As Dana introduced Rachel and Sebastian, her hubby Peter McMahon (of twelve years) herded their two grandchildren onto the set sub rosa. As the two gathered around Dana at the table, they appeared dazed by the spotlight and virtually mute.

Looking at Rachel tenderly, Dana asked, “Do you remember what you call me?” As Rachel stared blankly ahead, Dana prompted her, saying, “Grandma America. Can you say it?” Looking at her young nana, a smiling Rachel softly answered, “Grandma America.”

Interjecting, co-anchor Greg Gutfeld risquely exclaimed, “World’s hottest grandmother!”

Without acknowledging her co-host’s impertinent compliment, Dana turned to Sebastian and asked whether he had enjoyed his earlier trip to Disney. “Yeah,” he tersely replied. Trying to draw out her  little Silent Cal, Dana queried, “What did you think of the show? This show.” As he looked quizzically at his step nana, Dana quickly declared, “They’re speechless–as are more Americans when they watch this.”

At least, that segment. Speechless that The Five‘s Dana Perino is really a grandmother. Even if “Granda America” is “the world’s hottest grandmother.”

Five’s Juan Williams: “Why is Andrea So Hot?”

Tantaros: “Mrs. Willliams, we like her very much and we’re very appropriate here on The Five.” Yesterday, The Five‘s married co-anchor Juan Williams continued his on-air passes at his sexy single co-host, Andrea Tantaros. On Monday, the randy Juan declared that he would be “delighted” to help Andrea get her errant earring when it slipped down into her dress: two days later, Juan returned to her (and the Five) with his amorous ardor very much intact, musing, “Why is Andrea so hot?”

In the first Five block on Monday, Andrea waxed eloquent as she discussed President Obama and the press. When she had finished opining, her observant co-anchor Greg Gutfeld racily declared, “I have to point out something while you were talking.”* Before he could finish, Andrea knowingly asked, “That my earring fell into my dress?” Laughing, a goatish Greg exclaimed, “Yes!…That was one of the greatest catches of all time. Oh, to be that earring!”

As Juan eyed Andrea’s dress as if with a carnal comic-book-x-ray vision, Greg continued, “Juan, Juan, I got to ask you.” Bawdily, Juan queried, “Are you going to ask me to help her get it?”  When a grinning Greg answered that he was not, Juan wantonly responded, “Oh, oh, oh! Because I would be delighted!” Blushing, Andrea answered, “Okay, Juan! Mrs. Williams, we like her very much and we’re very appropriate here on The Five.”

Perhaps, so. But, two days later on the Five, Juan still had not lost that loving feeling for the damsel Andrea. When a philosophical Greg declared Wednesday that the big question of life was the hereafter, Juan took his opportunity to score a few points with the beauty. Jesting, he queried, ‘That’s the big question? I thought it…[was]…why is Andrea so hot? That’s a big question!”**

*The Five – 08/20/12 (@ 6:04 a.m. ET)

**The Five – 08/22/12 (@ 6:32 a.m. ET)

“Free P*ssy” Penalty: Bob Beckel Apologizes

“I’m very sorry….I’m gonna be quiet now.” Today, The Five co-host Bob Beckel apologized for his “foul” mouth and announced that he would be having the day off tomorrow because of it. As Carpe Diem reported Monday, an apoplectic Bob incoherently stammered “free, pre p*ssy” when he was defending President Obama’s purported disdain for his GOP opponent Mitt Romney. (A day later, after reviewing Johnny Dollar’s video of the incident, HuffPo aptly opined that Bob was “referring to…Reince Preibus,” the GOP National Chairman.)

This afternoon, during the final Five segment, a chastened Bob declared, “My ‘one more thing’ is to say, ‘I’m off tomorrow and that’s going to make me happy and…a lot of conservatives out there happy. I need a break because lately on this show…my mouth has been moving a little bit too much and sometimes dumb things–which is surprising for a MENSA guy–comes [sic] out of it.”

As his co-host Eric Bolling laughed off camera, Bob continued, “Last night when I was checking Twitter, I saw that some people out there were offended by something I said.”

Then, raising his palms in a mea culpa, Bob declared, “Now, I’m not going to say it again but I want to say to those who were offended, ‘I’m very sorry.’ That’s the last you’re going to hear that. I’m going to be quiet now.” Announcing anew Fox News’ apparent one-day sanction, Bob added, “I’ll see you on Friday.”

Apoplectic Bob Beckel: “Free…P*ssy”

Eric Bolling: “Let’s move on.” Let’s not: If it were free, The Five co-host Bob Beckel might make for a much less colorful “Smoking Gun” Democratic rogue. But, fear not! The bad boy of FNC can not or will not keeps his wild ways under control.

Less than four months ago, Bob went off with an “f” bomb inadvertently on Hannity. In what he deemed an off-air moment, he lambasted a conservative panelist, saying, “You don’t know what the f**k you’re talking about.” When host Sean Hannity apprised him that they were live, Bob appeared to be in a state of disbelief. Finally, coming to his senses, Bob groused that he was going to be fired after the show.

Bob was not. But, today, he pushed the envelope even further. In a segment including President Barack Obama’s purported disdain for his GOP opponent Mitt Romney (“no g**damned war hero”) as noted by Politico‘s Mike Allen, co-host Eric caustically queried, “Bob, should President Obama be taking shots at Mitt Romney’s military service when…the guy never picked up a gun, pulled the trigger of…blew anyone away? Oh, wait a minute, that’s right, he shot bin Laden, right!”*

After initially calling into question Allen’s assertion, Bob remarked, “Does he [President Obama] not like Mitt Romney?…When he started out, he said [that] he was neutral about Mitt Romney. And, frankly, so was I. I thought he was a nice guy.”

Elaborating, Bob remarked, “I’ve come to believe [that] he is a terrible, uh, a terrible–I won’t say liar because I won’t, because I don’t want to diminish myself down where Republicans [are].

Unfortunately, continuing, a suddenly incoherent Bob stammered, “Or, free, pre p*ssy, for proof of pre pro puss. Excuse me! Pre puss.”

Throwing him a lifeline, Eric mercifully interjected, “Let’s move on.” Bemused, co-anchor Andrea Tantaros beamed broadly and shook her head at Bob latest blooper. Meanwhile, co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle laughed heartily as she hid her face in her hands.

Babbling Bob: a sight to behold–for better or for worse.

*The Five – 08/06/12 (@ 5:07 p.m. ET)

Update: Vid (courtesy of J$P).

Dana Perino: “Little Hooters”

“I would never get a job at [Hooters].” The Five co-host Dana Perino showed her saltier side early this week: on Tuesday, President Bush’s rather prim and proper Press Secretary discussed her less than bountiful bosom with uncharacteristic aplomb.* Bawdily, she posited that she could not get a job at Hooters but that she could–at Little Hooters.

During a Five segment Tuesday (transcript), the co-anchors Dana, Greg Gutfeld, Bob Beckel, Andrea Tantaros, and Eric Bolling conversed about a coffee chain being investigated for hiring mainly nubile beauties. As they spoke of various businesses doing likewise, Greg teased Dana, asking, “Dana, unlike me, you’re not gorgeous: Do you feel like you’ve lost out on many TV jobs because of this?”

Self-deprecatingly, Dana riposted, “Let’s give another example–Hooters: I would never get a job there. And there’s a reason.”

Feigning ignorance, Greg impishly replied, “I can’t even ask why.”

Seemingly, somewhat piqued at Greg’s impertinence, Dana responded, “We all know why. Okay? And, I wouldn’t apply either.”

When it was co-host Bob Beckel’s turn to weigh in on the “hotness” hiring controversy, of course, the old goat had to rib Dana all the more: he racily insisted, “Dana, you could have gotten [sic] hired at Hooters if you wanted to.”

Jauntily, Dana rejoined, “Little Hooters.”**

Dana, “Little Hooters”? Maybe. But, you are proving yourself to be one big hoot.

[Author's aside: When the segment began to conclude, co-anchor Eric Bolling aptly added, "The only thing that's worthy to get pick[ed] up on by media is ‘I could work at Little Hooters.’”]

*Red Eye – 07/24/12 (approximately 3:35 a.m. ET)

**N.B. LexisNexis News improperly attributes the “Little Hooters” remark to Andrea. However, its transcript evinces the error as it subsequently details Greg’s reply, “That sounds like a restaurant for kids” and Dana’s facetious response, “That’s what I meant.” Furthermore, the Five footage will reflect that fact.

F&FF Acknowledges Williams/Malkin Dustup BUT

Fox & Friends ignores it altogether. Last night, conservative FNC contributor Michele Malkin and liberal Five co-anchor Juan Williams got into a fiery debate last night on Hannity: this morning, Fox News’ earliest morning news show Fox & Friends First showcased the two going after each other (albeit a bit bowdlerized to exclude the more acidic comments) whereas the regular Fox & Friends did not mention the dust-up even though both Williams and Malkin both appeared on the show in different segments. Perhaps, FNC did not want to throw too much gas on those smoldering embers.

Apparently, according to Mediaite, the verbal fisticuffs began when Malkin mocked Williams and other liberals for blaming former POTUS Bush 43 for President Obama’s shortcomings during a debate segment about Attorney General Eric Holder. During their polemics, Malkin taunted Williams, saying, “All you can do, Juan, is say Plame, Plame, Plame, and blame, blame, blame, Bush, Bush, Bush.” Caustically, Williams exclaimed, “Listen, I tell you what. I tell you what, Michele. I’m a real reporter. I’m not a blogger out in the blogosphere somewhere.”

Then, as Williams began to make his case that the White House had not leaked any classified information, an irate Malkin interrupted, “Right…I’m not a real reporter and you are!” Subsequently, after Williams and eponymous host Sean Hannity had argued about the matter further, Hannity gave Malkin the “last word.” Still fuming, Malkin acerbically remarked, “The American people are sick of the kind of snotty condescension from liberal elite journalists like Juan Williams who tell us that the rest of us are not doing our jobs, when the point is that…when Eric Holder was shamefully…nominated and approved to be Attorney General, he already had a long record of bastardizing national security and the rule of law.”

Unamused, Williams responded that she was way off topic; that she and Hannity were just beating up Holder and that the matter did not even include classified documents. In a parting shot, a still fuming Malkin sniped, “So, real journalists are apologists for corruptocracy? We got it!” Derisively, Williams exclaimed, “Oh, my gosh!” as he put both his hands to his head and rolled his eyes.

It was must see TV: Or, it should have been. However, unfortunately, Fox & Friends producers decided not to share the testy exchange between FNC colleagues Williams and Malkin. Happily, for F&F fans who may have missed it, Mediaite columnist Frances Martel did so in an article and via a concomitant video (link).

Update:  Williams’ co-host Five co-anchor Bob Beckel blasted Malkin with almost ominous rhetoric in his appearance on Imus today. Opining on the purported White House leaks, an enraged Beckel declared, “The idea that Barack Obama would leak that stuff is absolutely obscene. And, anybody who’d suggest that like that Michelle Malkin who…if I were Juan…I’d wake up next to her with a shotgun. She’s a, what a waste of time!” [@2:17 in J$P video] H/t, Johnny!

Five’s Dana Perino: Greg Gutfield “A**hole”

She did a bad, bad thing. The Five‘s co-anchor Dana Perino is not necessarily quite as prim and proper as she may appear on air: Apparently, the former Bush 43 White House Press Secretary learned a certain coarse epithet from her former boss. As politicos may remember, then candidate George W. Bush infamously called a New York Times reporter an “a**hole” in an overheard whisper to his running mate, Dick Cheney: Today, Dana picked up the torch on The Five as she flung the scatological appellation at her co-host Greg Gutfeld with no regrets.

During a segment titled “America’s Shrinking Wealth,” Greg illustrated the sharp decline in American family net worth over the last six years with a photo of a very diminutive Dana juxtaposed to a towering Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. As her co-hosts laughed at the strange sight, a smiling Dana self-deprecatingly said, “I have to say ‘Somebody put me in a dryer when I was little.’” Adding his usual color commentary, co-anchor Bob Beckel remarked, “You [Greg] don’t have the courage to say this, in the break, Dana said–who I’ve known for years, never says a swear word–called you an a-hole.”

Animatedly unapologetic, Dana exclaimed, “And, America agreed!” Interjecting, co-host Andrea Tantaros jested, “And, if you were in Massachusetts, we would fine you $20.” Without a hint of remorse, Dana riposted, “Gladly!”

Blame Bush, Greg.

The Five – 06/12/12 (@ 5:17 p.m. ET)

Gutfeld & Five Gals: Slap Young “F U” Turk Back?

Greg: “Lots of lonely feminist bloggers are trying to ravish me.” Without referring to Young Turks co-host and Examiner.com writer Ana Kasparian by name, Five‘s co-anchor Greg Gutfeld appeared to slap her back yesterday for her caustic “F*** you” comment to him on her show the day before. And, his Five lady co-hosts Dana Perino and Kimberly Guilfoyle had his back.

As Mediaite‘s Tommy Christopher chronicled, Kasparian “took major exception” Tuesday to a Gutfeld joke on the Five last Friday that N.O.W. had outlived its usefulness because women “can shop” now. When she reviewed the Five snippet on her program Tuesday, Kasparian decried Gutfeld’s comment as “sexist” and then acerbically exclaimed, “F*** you!” Apparently, Gutfeld was listening, or perhaps, more likely, read Christopher’s piece (which included the YT vid).

During a Five segment yesterday on the Secret Service Columbian prostitute scandal, co-host Perino referred to the phrase, “Wheels up and rings off” that she (a former Bush White House Press Secretary) used to hear “when we would go on trips.”* In response, Gutfeld jested, “When I travel, I put my wedding ring on because…usually when I go to foreign countries, lots of lonely feminist bloggers are trying to ravish me: And, the only way I can fight them off is by [sic] to tell them that I’m married.” Offering her FNC colleague distaff support, Perino curtly commented, “And, they really don’t have a sense of humor, those ladies!” Joining in the seeming push-back on Kasparian, Guifoyle sneered, “Yeah, they’ve missed a few things recently.”

Rowr! Greg and his Five gal pals: no shrinking violets.

*The Five – 04/25/12 (@ 5:40 a.m. ET)

“Jackie” Guilfoyle: This Is So Inappropriate!

 Gutfeld: “Kimberly, how many times did [Bill Clinton] ask you out on a date?” The Five co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle was not amused with her co-anchor Greg Gutfeld‘s final interrogatory about her love life during their program Friday. At the start of the show, Greg kidded the former Victoria’s Secret model about her former Camelot hubby, San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom; subsequently, at the middle mark of the program, he teased her about allegedly being hit on by Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ wealthy father; and, then, ten minutes later, he freshly asked, “Kimberly, how may times did he [Bill Clinton] ask you out on a date? Smiling uncomfortably at his latest dig, Kimberly retorted, “This is so inappropriate! What is this?”

Perhaps, Red Eye‘s Greg just being Greg? As Kimberly moderated the “A” Block with a story on Richmond (CA) mayor Gayle McLaughlin‘s skipping a Veterans’ Day event for an “OWS” rally, she jibed, “Greg, you’re from the Bay Area. What do you have to say for yourself?”* Sighing with a smile, Greg replied, “Nice, very good. Didn’t expect that from you.” After ripping the liberal McLaughlin, Greg remarked, “Something about the Bay Area and mayors, Kimberly: I won’t get into it….Where do they get them from–the San Francisco zoo, the cast of Godspell? Grinning, Kimberly guffawed, “This is getting rough!” Sympathetically, co-host Andrea Tantaros interposed, “And, very personal!” Concurring, Kimberly added, “Yes. And, it’s getting weird and awkward!”

Subsequently, at the bottom of the hour, Greg introduced a story on the Canadian/American pipeline delay. After airing a video of Seinfeld actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus impugning President Obama for letting Big Oil continue to run the show, Greg told The Five panel and the audience that her family ran the approximately four-billion-dollar Dreyfus Group that “deals in U.S. and European markets in criminal oil.”**  After replying that the company was actually worth $3.8 billion, Kimberly cooed, “My response is [that] her father is a very, very nice man. Elegant, charming–I will say that. And, obviously, very rich.” Every the wag, Greg riposted, “Yeah, so, obviously, he hit on you!” As the other Five co-hosts laughed, a blushing Kimberly hid her head in her hands: Looking at Greg, she implored, “So, what’s going on with you?” Less than convincingly, an amused Greg answered, “I’m sorry.”

In the following “E” block, the co-anchors discussed an Obama-bashing Karl-Rove-group-sponsored “Two Presidents, Two Visions” ad. When it was Greg’s turn, he joked, “The most important question here when we’re talking about Bill Clinton–Kimberly, how many times did he ask you out on a date?” Reddening anew, Kimberly replied, “This is so inapprop[riate]! What is this? What’s going on at that end of the table?” Laughing, Greg riposted, “Answer! Answer the question.” Shaking her head, Kimberly retorted, “I’m not answering any question like this!” Turning to Kimberly, guest co-host Juan Williams declared, “Now, see, you just legitimized this whole thing. I thought [that] he was joking. Now, you communicate that this is serious.”

Throwing Kimberly a life line, Andrea declared, “Alright, I’ve got to save my girl….I just want to know how many times Bill Clinton asked you out, Greg?” Grateful, Kimberly chimed, “Yeah!” Waggishly, Greg retorted, “I’m not his type!”

So inappropriate? So The Five. And, so FNC!

*The Five – 11/15/11 (@ 5:01 a.m. ET)

**Ibid at @ 5:32 a.m. ET.

***Ibid at @ 5:41 a.m. ET.

Guilfoyle: My Catholic School Girl Outfit

Perino: No, not doing it. No! Rowr! Yesterday The Five‘s co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle scared her more Victorian co-anchor Dana Perino with her sexy selections of Halloween costumes. But, not surprisingly, she sent a thrill up the legs of her rakish male co-anchors, Greg Gutfeld, Bob Beckel, and Eric Bolling.

In the final The Five block, the co-hosts discussed two New Jersey schools that had banned students from wearing Halloween garb on the holiday. After Kimberly and Dana dissed the odd decisions, Greg goatishly interjected, “By the way, Kimberly, what…did you normally wear? Smiling seductively and pumping her hands as if they held pom poms, she answered, “I was a Notre Dame cheerleader. I still have the outfit and the pom poms!”

Seduced by their favorite former Victoria’s Secret model, Kimberly’s male co-anchors were enraptured. Priapically, Beckel queried, “Did you have a short skirt?” Grinning randily, Greg demanded, “You got to wear it on Halloween. You have to wear it this Friday.” Equally enamored, co-host Eric Bolling interjected, “This is a very important discussion topic we’ve been having. Are we going to wear Halloween costumes on Monday Halloween? Yes or no?”

Clearly enjoying the heightened testosterone that she had engendered, a beaming Kimberly chuckled. Meanwhile, perhaps, overly exercised, Beckel began to cough repeatedly. Turning to him with a smile, Kimberly teased, “Bob needs mouth-to-mouth again. Are you okay?”

Later, as the segment ended, Eric declared, “Email us at The Five. Tell us what you’d like each one of us, what costume each one of us…should wear.” Prudishly, Dana interjected, “No, not doing it! No!” As both Beckel and Greg enthusiastically agreed with Eric and the camera began to pan away, Kimberly provocatively concluded, “I could wear my Catholic school girl one!”

The Five‘s Halloween: as Glenn Frey once said, “the heat is on.”

Kimberly’s Sexy Secret?

Guilfoyle: Bob, do you want some mouth-to-mouth? The Five co-host and sexy former Victoria’s Secret lingerie model Kimberly Guilfoyle used her womanly wiles on co-anchor Bob Beckel to keep her own secret. And, he did not seem to mind in the very least.

In The Five‘s penultimate block about the BlackBerry outage, Bob complained that his co-hosts used their cell phones incessantly during the break. He groused, “Yes, I may talk to my bookie but you guys talk to thousands of different people.” Turning to Bob, Kimberly sniped, “Listen, Miss Britney Spears over here, not so innocent, because you know what else is coming in on that phone.”

Shaking his head with a goatish grin, Bob retorted, “Don’t get into that.” As she guffawed with gusto, Bob riposted, “If you do, if you do…you want to start opening that, that, that can? You want that can opened up, doe?” As Kimberly grabbed his arm and put her other hand over his mouth, she cooed, “Bob, you want some mouth-to-mouth?”

Pulling her hand away, a rakish Bob continued, “I don’t think you do! I don’t think you do.” Rolling her forefingers, Kimberly implored, “Go to break!” Beaming impishly, Bob replied, “You want to go to a break? I see. I bet you do after that. Oh, that was a mistake!” In response, an embarrassed Kimberly animatedly signaled Greg to proceed to commercial break.

As Greg began to read the tease, he stopped mid-sentence: Glancing back at Kimberly puckishly, he laughed, “See, that was your mistake!” Subsequently, after he had completed his tease and the camera began to pan away from them, Kimberly arched her eyebrows at Greg and shook her finger at him, mouthing, “You didn’t help me!”

No, Kimberly, Greg didn’t. Nor did he reveal your sexy secret. But, hopefully, he will!

*The Five – 10/13/11 (@ 5:53 p.m. ET)

Related Carpe Diem story: “Ann Coulter: We Look Fantastic Naked!“