Dana’s “Foolish Mistake”: Stealing $20 from Mom

“I did that once, Mom. Sorry!” The Five co-host Dana Perino admitted Friday that she once had sticky fingers for her mother’s moolah. During a segment on the I.R.S.’s “targeting” of conservative groups during the 2012 campaign period, Dana derided the I.R.S.’s Commissioner’s dismissal of the excessive scrutiny as “foolish mistakes”: Arching her eyebrows, Dana declared, “A foolish mistake is when you take twenty dollars from your Mom’s purse when you really shouldn’t have. That was a foolish mistake.”*

Immediately, co-anchor Kimberly Guilfoyle interjected, “I never did that!”

Pointing to Dana with his right thumb accusingly, co-host Greg Gutfeld responded, “She did.”

Squinting her eyes at Greg with more than a hint of agitation, Dana confessed, “I did that once, Mom. Sorry!”

The Five‘s naif Dana Perino: I’m not that innocent!

*The Five – 05/1 – 05/18/13 (@ 5:12 p.m. ET)

Bob Beckel: “Did the Beeper Work?”

[That's] what I’m really worried about.” B***s***? The Five fell strangely silent today during a “live” segment for approximately eleven seconds–with no explanation.* Displacing its polemic panel, an ominous “The Five” star graphic atop a blue background appeared suddenly onscreen. The ghost of Mrs. Grundy?

During this segment, his segment, co-host Eric Bolling posited that “President Obama a/k/a Mr. Transparent [was] rope-a-dope[ing] the press when asked about the Petraeus affair.” When guest co-anchor K.T. McFarland and co-host Bob Beckel began to debate whether President Obama was availing himself of “plausible deniability,” Eric acerbically interjected, “What you really don’t want is the President of the United States to lie, in fact.” Without warning nor explanation, the audio was muted and the screen went blue (with “The Five” star).

After about twelve seconds had elapsed, The Five co-hosts reappeared seemingly tacitly attesting to the rude interruption: Kimberly Guilfoyle laughed as she hid her face in her left hand; Greg Gutfeld chuckled to himself and looked over at Bob in amusement; K.T.  tried to keep her composure as she looked straight ahead and blinked her eyes rapidly; Bob looked into the distance with his mouth agape; and Eric appeared to try to read the teleprompter with feigned gravity.

After praising the military who stood apart from their perchance rogue rakish leaders, Eric seemed to question the credibility of the sexy socialite Jill Kelly who allegedly ignited the inquery and laughing asked roue Bob if he had ever known such an “honorary consul general.” Looking over at Eric, Bob jested, “What I’m really concerned about is did the beeper work?”

Apparently, loathe to acknowledge that The Five might not be exactly live anymore, Eric monotoned, “Did the beeper work?” Slightly smiling, Bob anwered, “Yeah.” Softly, Kimberly unconvincingly interposed, “No.”

Then, as if a producer had whispered in her ear to change the topic posthaste, Kimberly animatedly stammered, “Listen! The beep, this is a woman that I thing we’re going to learn a lot more about.” Tellingly, Greg glanced at the panel bemusedly, chuckled to himself, and beamed back at someone offset.

In the following segment, Greg appeared to translucently reveal the secret of the censored segment. Re President Obama’s view of whether climate change caused Hurricane Sandy, Greg defiantly declared, “He even admits finally  that that’s baloney–or b.s.!”** As Greg began to address Bob, a chuckling Eric looked up from his papers, exclaiming, “Don’t say it!”

Don’t say it indeed, Bob. At least, on air!

*The Five – 11/14/12 (@ 5:19 a.m. ET).

**Ibid at @ 5:29 a.m. ET.

Andrea Tantaros: Yes, I’m in Playboy

“Sorry!” Conservative The Five co-host Andrea Tantaros revealed Thursday that she is in the November 2012 issue of Playboy magazine. In a Tweet to her followers, Greg Gutfeld‘s leggy “Greek olive” teased, “Yes, I’m in Playboy this month.” Subsequently, dashing her acolytes’ amatory ardor, she elaborated, “John Meroney interviews me, Buchanan, Will and others on the world of TV and politics. No photos tho.”

To her disappointed male admirers, Andrea apologized, saying, “Sorry!” Then, as a conciliatory sop to them, she concluded, “So guys, if you get caught with the Playboy, you can finally use the excuse that you’re only reading it for the articles.”

For Andrea’s fervid fans, doubtlessly, little consolation.

[Author's aside: Ironically, Andrea attacked Playboy three years ago in a post entitled, "Is Misogyny Back in Vogue?" She decried it as having 'lost all of their sense of humor and their sense of decency by allowing conservative women to become a punching bag--and a punch line--for the left." Apparently, Playboy has come a long way, baby.]

Proud Perino: “World’s Hottest Grandmother”

“One More Thing”: Do you remember what you call me? The Five co-host Dana Perino finally introduced her Scottish step grandchildren to her FNC fans. More than a year ago, then virgin Fox & Friends Weekend guest-host Dana revealed to her incredulous audience that she was a grandmother, to two Scottish children, Rachel and Sebastian: Furthermore, she mentioned that that they called her “Grandma America.” Yesterday, as The Five‘s ultimate segment concluded, Dana declared, “I have a special “One More Thing”: I have my–believe it or not–my grandchildren from Scotland…Rachel and Sebastian, are here.”

As Dana introduced Rachel and Sebastian, her hubby Peter McMahon (of twelve years) herded their two grandchildren onto the set sub rosa. As the two gathered around Dana at the table, they appeared dazed by the spotlight and virtually mute.

Looking at Rachel tenderly, Dana asked, “Do you remember what you call me?” As Rachel stared blankly ahead, Dana prompted her, saying, “Grandma America. Can you say it?” Looking at her young nana, a smiling Rachel softly answered, “Grandma America.”

Interjecting, co-anchor Greg Gutfeld risquely exclaimed, “World’s hottest grandmother!”

Without acknowledging her co-host’s impertinent compliment, Dana turned to Sebastian and asked whether he had enjoyed his earlier trip to Disney. “Yeah,” he tersely replied. Trying to draw out her  little Silent Cal, Dana queried, “What did you think of the show? This show.” As he looked quizzically at his step nana, Dana quickly declared, “They’re speechless–as are more Americans when they watch this.”

At least, that segment. Speechless that The Five‘s Dana Perino is really a grandmother. Even if “Granda America” is “the world’s hottest grandmother.”

Five’s Juan Williams: “Why is Andrea So Hot?”

Tantaros: “Mrs. Willliams, we like her very much and we’re very appropriate here on The Five.” Yesterday, The Five‘s married co-anchor Juan Williams continued his on-air passes at his sexy single co-host, Andrea Tantaros. On Monday, the randy Juan declared that he would be “delighted” to help Andrea get her errant earring when it slipped down into her dress: two days later, Juan returned to her (and the Five) with his amorous ardor very much intact, musing, “Why is Andrea so hot?”

In the first Five block on Monday, Andrea waxed eloquent as she discussed President Obama and the press. When she had finished opining, her observant co-anchor Greg Gutfeld racily declared, “I have to point out something while you were talking.”* Before he could finish, Andrea knowingly asked, “That my earring fell into my dress?” Laughing, a goatish Greg exclaimed, “Yes!…That was one of the greatest catches of all time. Oh, to be that earring!”

As Juan eyed Andrea’s dress as if with a carnal comic-book-x-ray vision, Greg continued, “Juan, Juan, I got to ask you.” Bawdily, Juan queried, “Are you going to ask me to help her get it?”  When a grinning Greg answered that he was not, Juan wantonly responded, “Oh, oh, oh! Because I would be delighted!” Blushing, Andrea answered, “Okay, Juan! Mrs. Williams, we like her very much and we’re very appropriate here on The Five.”

Perhaps, so. But, two days later on the Five, Juan still had not lost that loving feeling for the damsel Andrea. When a philosophical Greg declared Wednesday that the big question of life was the hereafter, Juan took his opportunity to score a few points with the beauty. Jesting, he queried, ‘That’s the big question? I thought it…[was]…why is Andrea so hot? That’s a big question!”**

*The Five – 08/20/12 (@ 6:04 a.m. ET)

**The Five – 08/22/12 (@ 6:32 a.m. ET)

Bill Hemmer: RE’s “Notorious PAB”

Patti Ann Browne: “Yeah, you know me.”* But, many of America’s Newsroom viewers probably do not know her, i.e., that their demurely dressed guest co-anchor has deigned to moonlight with the demimonde as an FNC late night vixen. To wit, Red Eye host Greg Gutfeld aptly marveled, “She’s so sweet: And, yet, she’s so dirty! The duality of woman!”**

For those who might think that Patti Ann appears to have been plucked from their local PTA, they may well want to remember the Harper Valley version. Only, this prim and proper mommy by day got her groove on after midnight. As her Red Eye appearances show, she can be tough, bawdy, and, oh, so sexy!

Bravo, Bill, for reminding PAB devotees that their dame is “not that innocent.”

[Author's aside: The title is taken from the exchange between Bill and PAB as the second hour of AN began. Bill queried, "What did they call you, "Notorious PAB" on Red Eye? PAB answered, "They do! Yeah, you know me."]

*America’s Newsroom – 08/07/12 (@ 9:59 a.m. ET)

**Red Eye - 12/31/08 (Vid – 2:14/2:22)

Dana Perino: “Little Hooters”

“I would never get a job at [Hooters].” The Five co-host Dana Perino showed her saltier side early this week: on Tuesday, President Bush’s rather prim and proper Press Secretary discussed her less than bountiful bosom with uncharacteristic aplomb.* Bawdily, she posited that she could not get a job at Hooters but that she could–at Little Hooters.

During a Five segment Tuesday (transcript), the co-anchors Dana, Greg Gutfeld, Bob Beckel, Andrea Tantaros, and Eric Bolling conversed about a coffee chain being investigated for hiring mainly nubile beauties. As they spoke of various businesses doing likewise, Greg teased Dana, asking, “Dana, unlike me, you’re not gorgeous: Do you feel like you’ve lost out on many TV jobs because of this?”

Self-deprecatingly, Dana riposted, “Let’s give another example–Hooters: I would never get a job there. And there’s a reason.”

Feigning ignorance, Greg impishly replied, “I can’t even ask why.”

Seemingly, somewhat piqued at Greg’s impertinence, Dana responded, “We all know why. Okay? And, I wouldn’t apply either.”

When it was co-host Bob Beckel’s turn to weigh in on the “hotness” hiring controversy, of course, the old goat had to rib Dana all the more: he racily insisted, “Dana, you could have gotten [sic] hired at Hooters if you wanted to.”

Jauntily, Dana rejoined, “Little Hooters.”**

Dana, “Little Hooters”? Maybe. But, you are proving yourself to be one big hoot.

[Author's aside: When the segment began to conclude, co-anchor Eric Bolling aptly added, "The only thing that's worthy to get pick[ed] up on by media is ‘I could work at Little Hooters.’”]

*Red Eye – 07/24/12 (approximately 3:35 a.m. ET)

**N.B. LexisNexis News improperly attributes the “Little Hooters” remark to Andrea. However, its transcript evinces the error as it subsequently details Greg’s reply, “That sounds like a restaurant for kids” and Dana’s facetious response, “That’s what I meant.” Furthermore, the Five footage will reflect that fact.

Fox & Friends First: “The Four” Now?

Patti Ann Brown, Ainsley Earhardt, Heather Childers, and Heather Nauert. Possibly, following in the footsteps of The Five, Fox & Friends First may be whittling down its number of initial hosts. As readers may recall, FNC announced the debut of The Five and listed ten rotating co-anchors including the current seven and Monica Crowley, Geraldo Rivera, and Judge Andrew Napolitano: When the Five celebrated its first anniversary last Monday on Fox & Friends, F&F co-anchor Gretchen Carlson noted that its roster had been pared down to seven (the “Magnificent Seven”), i.e., Greg Gutfeld, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Bob Beckel, Andrea Tantaros, Dana Perino, Juan Williams, and Eric Bolling.

In a similar fashion, Fox & Friends First started its new run in March with a slate of co-hosts that included not only the four that seem to be now predominating F&FF airplay qua anchors, i.e., Patti Ann Brown, Ainsley Earhardt, Heather Childers, and Heather Nauert but also Dave Briggs, Juliet Huddy, Julie Banderas, Anna Kooiman, Clayton Morris, Arthel Neville, and Jamie Colby. Even though the author has heard no new F&FF announcement, it’s website may provide a hint: only Patti Ann, Ainsley, and the two Heathers have their FNC bios listed on the official F&FF website.

Five’s Dana Perino: Greg Gutfield “A**hole”

She did a bad, bad thing. The Five‘s co-anchor Dana Perino is not necessarily quite as prim and proper as she may appear on air: Apparently, the former Bush 43 White House Press Secretary learned a certain coarse epithet from her former boss. As politicos may remember, then candidate George W. Bush infamously called a New York Times reporter an “a**hole” in an overheard whisper to his running mate, Dick Cheney: Today, Dana picked up the torch on The Five as she flung the scatological appellation at her co-host Greg Gutfeld with no regrets.

During a segment titled “America’s Shrinking Wealth,” Greg illustrated the sharp decline in American family net worth over the last six years with a photo of a very diminutive Dana juxtaposed to a towering Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. As her co-hosts laughed at the strange sight, a smiling Dana self-deprecatingly said, “I have to say ‘Somebody put me in a dryer when I was little.’” Adding his usual color commentary, co-anchor Bob Beckel remarked, “You [Greg] don’t have the courage to say this, in the break, Dana said–who I’ve known for years, never says a swear word–called you an a-hole.”

Animatedly unapologetic, Dana exclaimed, “And, America agreed!” Interjecting, co-host Andrea Tantaros jested, “And, if you were in Massachusetts, we would fine you $20.” Without a hint of remorse, Dana riposted, “Gladly!”

Blame Bush, Greg.

The Five – 06/12/12 (@ 5:17 p.m. ET)

Morris’ Memorial Miss

Oops! An unfortunate “Unknown” ad lib. Fox & Friends guest co-host Clayton Morris probably wishes that he had stuck to the script this morning. One who prides himself in his historical ken and is continuously lauded for such by his FNC colleagues, Clayton had a memorable Memorial Day mishap this morning: He misidentified the “Tomb of the Unknowns” as the “Tomb of the Unknown Soldier” and then regrettably made the logical leap–and fell flat on his face.

As Fox & Friends Memorial Day edition entered its second hour, producers showed a live shot of the Tomb of the Unknowns where President Obama was scheduled to lay a wreath. Simultaneously, Clayton intoned, “That is the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, referring to the remains, of course, of the unknown soldier interned at that specific spot Arlington National Cemetery.”* [Italics added for emphasis.] But, of course, it was not the resting place of a single soldier: rather, it was the “Tomb of the Unknowns” which “contains the remains of unknown American soldiers from World Wars I and II, the Korean Conflict and (until 1998) the Vietnam War” according to Arlington National Cemetery.

When the author pointed out his mistake in two Tweets [1, 2], Clayton did not respond nor did Fox & Friends show the scene again. However, when the following show, America’s Newsroom, did, both guest co-hosts Juliet Huddy and Gregg Jarrett properly referred to the monument as the “Tomb of the Unknowns.” Apparently, they knew better, or, perhaps, someone got the word.

In fairness to Clayton, even though he was off the mark this morning, he certainly did not get any assistance from his fellow guest co-anchors, Ainsley Earhardt or Dave Briggs. Ainsley merely muttered, “Mmmm,” and Dave simply moved on without a word. To make matters worse, even Clayton’s producers failed to provide him with a helpful voice in the ear.

F&F (Memorial Day): Clayton and the crew on holiday!

*Fox & Friends – 05/28/12 (@ 7:01 a.m. ET)

**America’s Newsroom – 05/28/12 (@ 10:10 a.m. ET and @ 10:14 a.m.ET, respectively)

Gutfeld & Five Gals: Slap Young “F U” Turk Back?

Greg: “Lots of lonely feminist bloggers are trying to ravish me.” Without referring to Young Turks co-host and Examiner.com writer Ana Kasparian by name, Five‘s co-anchor Greg Gutfeld appeared to slap her back yesterday for her caustic “F*** you” comment to him on her show the day before. And, his Five lady co-hosts Dana Perino and Kimberly Guilfoyle had his back.

As Mediaite‘s Tommy Christopher chronicled, Kasparian “took major exception” Tuesday to a Gutfeld joke on the Five last Friday that N.O.W. had outlived its usefulness because women “can shop” now. When she reviewed the Five snippet on her program Tuesday, Kasparian decried Gutfeld’s comment as “sexist” and then acerbically exclaimed, “F*** you!” Apparently, Gutfeld was listening, or perhaps, more likely, read Christopher’s piece (which included the YT vid).

During a Five segment yesterday on the Secret Service Columbian prostitute scandal, co-host Perino referred to the phrase, “Wheels up and rings off” that she (a former Bush White House Press Secretary) used to hear “when we would go on trips.”* In response, Gutfeld jested, “When I travel, I put my wedding ring on because…usually when I go to foreign countries, lots of lonely feminist bloggers are trying to ravish me: And, the only way I can fight them off is by [sic] to tell them that I’m married.” Offering her FNC colleague distaff support, Perino curtly commented, “And, they really don’t have a sense of humor, those ladies!” Joining in the seeming push-back on Kasparian, Guifoyle sneered, “Yeah, they’ve missed a few things recently.”

Rowr! Greg and his Five gal pals: no shrinking violets.

*The Five – 04/25/12 (@ 5:40 a.m. ET)

“Eagle” Eye: “TV’s Andy Levy” Nails Ann Coulter

Coulter’s Reagan slips: “Demonic” or ignorant? Oops! Conservative author and Mitt Romney backer Ann Coulter may be able to get away with GOP misinformation, artful or inadvertent, with Fox & Friends co-hosts Brian Kilmeade, Steve Doocy, and Gretchen Carlson but not with Red Eye‘s ombudsman “TV’s Andy Levy.” Rather, Levy nailed Coulter today and she knew it.

Three days ago, Coulter told the credulous F&F co-anchors that Ronald Reagan pulled out of his losing (1976) GOP Presidential campaign early a la Mitt Romney in 2008:* And, she indicated that Rick Santorum should follow suit now. Only problem: Ronald Reagan took his bid to the GOP convention where he narrowly lost on the first vote in a hard-fought floor fight.

Today, Coulter iterated her F&F argument to Red Eye anchor Greg Gutfeld, sidekick Bill Schulz, and RE panelists. Unfortunately, for Coulter, RE‘s fact checker Levy was listening. During Levy’s “Halftime Report,” he asked Coulter about Reagan’s taking his bid all the way to the convention.** Looking dumbfounded, Coulter obfuscated: Instead of vainly defending her erroneous assertion, she muttered that Reagan had convinced a conservative group (CPAC) not to back a third-party candidate and had campaigned for President Ford (and that Romney had exited early). Fortunately, for Coulter, Levy merely pressed her a mite more and compassionately moved on.

Catching Ann Coulter’s Reagan gaffes? Brickbats for Brian, Steve, and Gretch. But, bravo, Andy!

*Fox & Friends – 04/02/12 (@ 3:13 into Fox News Insider vid)

**Red Eye – 04/05/12 (@ 3:35 a.m. ET)

Update: For Red Eye “Halftime Report vid, link here.

Red Eye Alert: Ombudsman Levy Off [Updated]

“New Year’s Eve special is Saturday at 12:30 a.m.” NOT! Ironically, on a day that “TV’s Andy Levy” left his usual role as Red Eye ombudsman to fill in for Greg Gutfeld as anchor, he did not catch a manifest mistake in his final segment.

As Levy returned to RE‘s final block this morning, he declared, “Hey, don’t forget our annual New Year’s Eve special airs this Saturday at 12:30 a.m. Eastern and Pacific Time right after Fox News Channel’s ‘All-American New Year’ with Bill Hemmer and Megyn Kelly ringing in 2012 live from Times Square.” Underneath him, compounding the error, an RE chyron blared, “Our New Year’s Eve Special Is Saturday at 12:30 AM ET/PT.” Not quite: if RE follows Bill and Megyn ushering in the New Year, RE will be on Sunday at 12:30 a.m. ET.

Red Eye fans, time to reset your DVR’s.

Update: Early this morning (12/29/11), chronologically-challenged “TV’s Andy Levy” repeated his mistake on RE. Before the “Post-Game Wrap-Up,” Levy said, “Remember, our New Year’s Eve special airs Saturday at 12:30 a.m. Eastern….[i]t’s right after Fox News Channel’s “All-American New Year” with Bill Hemmer and Megyn Kelly ringing in 2012 live from Times Square.” Perhaps, RE‘s addled ombudsman jester can be forgiven for his slackness: today, he Tweeted, “Ugh I’m still writing 2011 on all my checks. (Too soon?)”

Courtney: “I’m Preggers Again!”

And, “I’m not leaving Fox News….I’ll be doing more at the local FOX.” FNC entertainment reporter Courtney Friel gave her Red Eye fans an extra scoop this morning. After announcing on Facebook and on Twitter that she was gravid again, the RE guest revealed in the “Postgame Wrap-up” that she will soon be heading to the West Coast as well.*

In her FB post yesterday, she cheerfully proclaimed, “Accidentally left the oven on and I’m baking another baby!” Subsequently, she elaborated, “19+ weeks pregnant and found out today it’s a GIRL! Due April 13th.”

When she appeared on RE this morning, “TV’s Andy Levy” fill-in, comic Paul Mecurio, asked Courtney about her “exciting news.” After she repeated her FB account in part, Mecurio jested, “Is it Jamie’s?” Smiling at his cheeky jape about some unknown lad, she gamely reassured, “No, it’s my husband’s.”

Playing the journo a mite, Mecurio probed, “And, you’re leaving Fox News, I hear.” Hoping to put that rumor to bed, Courtney responded, “I’m not leaving Fox News: I am transferring out to Los Angeles. Makes more sense to be there for the entertainment industry.” When Greg Gutfeld‘s RE sidekick Bill Schulz interjected, “We’re sad to lose her,” Courtney, perhaps, more candidly commented, “I’ll be doing more at the local FOX.”

Congratulations on the new “bun in the oven,” Courtney and Carter!

[Author's aside: Courtney following the footsteps of another Red Eye fave, Lauren Sivan?]

*Red Eye – 11/22/11 (@ 3:57 a.m. ET)

“Jackie” Guilfoyle: This Is So Inappropriate!

 Gutfeld: “Kimberly, how many times did [Bill Clinton] ask you out on a date?” The Five co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle was not amused with her co-anchor Greg Gutfeld‘s final interrogatory about her love life during their program Friday. At the start of the show, Greg kidded the former Victoria’s Secret model about her former Camelot hubby, San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom; subsequently, at the middle mark of the program, he teased her about allegedly being hit on by Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ wealthy father; and, then, ten minutes later, he freshly asked, “Kimberly, how may times did he [Bill Clinton] ask you out on a date? Smiling uncomfortably at his latest dig, Kimberly retorted, “This is so inappropriate! What is this?”

Perhaps, Red Eye‘s Greg just being Greg? As Kimberly moderated the “A” Block with a story on Richmond (CA) mayor Gayle McLaughlin‘s skipping a Veterans’ Day event for an “OWS” rally, she jibed, “Greg, you’re from the Bay Area. What do you have to say for yourself?”* Sighing with a smile, Greg replied, “Nice, very good. Didn’t expect that from you.” After ripping the liberal McLaughlin, Greg remarked, “Something about the Bay Area and mayors, Kimberly: I won’t get into it….Where do they get them from–the San Francisco zoo, the cast of Godspell? Grinning, Kimberly guffawed, “This is getting rough!” Sympathetically, co-host Andrea Tantaros interposed, “And, very personal!” Concurring, Kimberly added, “Yes. And, it’s getting weird and awkward!”

Subsequently, at the bottom of the hour, Greg introduced a story on the Canadian/American pipeline delay. After airing a video of Seinfeld actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus impugning President Obama for letting Big Oil continue to run the show, Greg told The Five panel and the audience that her family ran the approximately four-billion-dollar Dreyfus Group that “deals in U.S. and European markets in criminal oil.”**  After replying that the company was actually worth $3.8 billion, Kimberly cooed, “My response is [that] her father is a very, very nice man. Elegant, charming–I will say that. And, obviously, very rich.” Every the wag, Greg riposted, “Yeah, so, obviously, he hit on you!” As the other Five co-hosts laughed, a blushing Kimberly hid her head in her hands: Looking at Greg, she implored, “So, what’s going on with you?” Less than convincingly, an amused Greg answered, “I’m sorry.”

In the following “E” block, the co-anchors discussed an Obama-bashing Karl-Rove-group-sponsored “Two Presidents, Two Visions” ad. When it was Greg’s turn, he joked, “The most important question here when we’re talking about Bill Clinton–Kimberly, how many times did he ask you out on a date?” Reddening anew, Kimberly replied, “This is so inapprop[riate]! What is this? What’s going on at that end of the table?” Laughing, Greg riposted, “Answer! Answer the question.” Shaking her head, Kimberly retorted, “I’m not answering any question like this!” Turning to Kimberly, guest co-host Juan Williams declared, “Now, see, you just legitimized this whole thing. I thought [that] he was joking. Now, you communicate that this is serious.”

Throwing Kimberly a life line, Andrea declared, “Alright, I’ve got to save my girl….I just want to know how many times Bill Clinton asked you out, Greg?” Grateful, Kimberly chimed, “Yeah!” Waggishly, Greg retorted, “I’m not his type!”

So inappropriate? So The Five. And, so FNC!

*The Five – 11/15/11 (@ 5:01 a.m. ET)

**Ibid at @ 5:32 a.m. ET.

***Ibid at @ 5:41 a.m. ET.

Guilfoyle: My Catholic School Girl Outfit

Perino: No, not doing it. No! Rowr! Yesterday The Five‘s co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle scared her more Victorian co-anchor Dana Perino with her sexy selections of Halloween costumes. But, not surprisingly, she sent a thrill up the legs of her rakish male co-anchors, Greg Gutfeld, Bob Beckel, and Eric Bolling.

In the final The Five block, the co-hosts discussed two New Jersey schools that had banned students from wearing Halloween garb on the holiday. After Kimberly and Dana dissed the odd decisions, Greg goatishly interjected, “By the way, Kimberly, what…did you normally wear? Smiling seductively and pumping her hands as if they held pom poms, she answered, “I was a Notre Dame cheerleader. I still have the outfit and the pom poms!”

Seduced by their favorite former Victoria’s Secret model, Kimberly’s male co-anchors were enraptured. Priapically, Beckel queried, “Did you have a short skirt?” Grinning randily, Greg demanded, “You got to wear it on Halloween. You have to wear it this Friday.” Equally enamored, co-host Eric Bolling interjected, “This is a very important discussion topic we’ve been having. Are we going to wear Halloween costumes on Monday Halloween? Yes or no?”

Clearly enjoying the heightened testosterone that she had engendered, a beaming Kimberly chuckled. Meanwhile, perhaps, overly exercised, Beckel began to cough repeatedly. Turning to him with a smile, Kimberly teased, “Bob needs mouth-to-mouth again. Are you okay?”

Later, as the segment ended, Eric declared, “Email us at The Five. Tell us what you’d like each one of us, what costume each one of us…should wear.” Prudishly, Dana interjected, “No, not doing it! No!” As both Beckel and Greg enthusiastically agreed with Eric and the camera began to pan away, Kimberly provocatively concluded, “I could wear my Catholic school girl one!”

The Five‘s Halloween: as Glenn Frey once said, “the heat is on.”

Kimberly’s Sexy Secret?

Guilfoyle: Bob, do you want some mouth-to-mouth? The Five co-host and sexy former Victoria’s Secret lingerie model Kimberly Guilfoyle used her womanly wiles on co-anchor Bob Beckel to keep her own secret. And, he did not seem to mind in the very least.

In The Five‘s penultimate block about the BlackBerry outage, Bob complained that his co-hosts used their cell phones incessantly during the break. He groused, “Yes, I may talk to my bookie but you guys talk to thousands of different people.” Turning to Bob, Kimberly sniped, “Listen, Miss Britney Spears over here, not so innocent, because you know what else is coming in on that phone.”

Shaking his head with a goatish grin, Bob retorted, “Don’t get into that.” As she guffawed with gusto, Bob riposted, “If you do, if you do…you want to start opening that, that, that can? You want that can opened up, doe?” As Kimberly grabbed his arm and put her other hand over his mouth, she cooed, “Bob, you want some mouth-to-mouth?”

Pulling her hand away, a rakish Bob continued, “I don’t think you do! I don’t think you do.” Rolling her forefingers, Kimberly implored, “Go to break!” Beaming impishly, Bob replied, “You want to go to a break? I see. I bet you do after that. Oh, that was a mistake!” In response, an embarrassed Kimberly animatedly signaled Greg to proceed to commercial break.

As Greg began to read the tease, he stopped mid-sentence: Glancing back at Kimberly puckishly, he laughed, “See, that was your mistake!” Subsequently, after he had completed his tease and the camera began to pan away from them, Kimberly arched her eyebrows at Greg and shook her finger at him, mouthing, “You didn’t help me!”

No, Kimberly, Greg didn’t. Nor did he reveal your sexy secret. But, hopefully, he will!

*The Five – 10/13/11 (@ 5:53 p.m. ET)

Related Carpe Diem story: “Ann Coulter: We Look Fantastic Naked!“

The Five’s Beckel: Bolling Saved My Life

“You’re a reluctant hero, my friend.” A grateful The Five co-host Bob Beckel revealed yesterday that his conservative co-anchor “nemesis” Eric Bolling saved his life shortly before the show. After Bolling opened the program with a query about the latest GOP jobs bill, he turned to co-anchor Greg Gutfeld for his opinion. Grinning as if on cue, Gutfeld replied, “I can’t discuss this story until we acknowledge what happened this afternoon”: then, pointing to Beckel for the obligatory explanation, he said, “Bob.”

Looking down at the table soberly, Beckel replied, “I guess you can’t make these things up….I have a couple of people to thank. We were having a celebratory lunch for The Five, the kickoff of The Five, and I choked. Literally choked, I mean I couldn’t breathe at all.”

Continuing somberly, Beckel remarked, “And, the boss of bosses here at Fox, Roger Ailes, stood up and gave me the Heimlich [maneuver]….He couldn’t get his arms all the way around me but he loosened it up enough.” Putting his hand on Bolling’s shoulder, an appreciative Beckel stammered, “And, then my brother here saved my, my, my existence because he got it out.”

Then, as he added, “And, it’s been a long and rough day…but I want to thank everybody for what he did,” co-host Kimberly Guilfoyle tenderly carressed his arm. Subsequently, Beckel dutifully cautioned viewers not to eat too fast, particularly big shrimp as he had. Interjecting, Gutfeld exclaimed, “You scared the hell out of us!” Feeling “the love,” Beckel replied, “I know I did, and I apologize for that. But, anyway, let’s get moving on.”

However, before they did, Bolling got the crew to declare the day “Bob Day” and maternal co-anchor Dana Perino reminded Beckel that it is not so smart to cry “wolf.” Pointing her pencil at him and arching her eyes, she gently chided, “Remember…it was just a week ago when you and I were in Atlanta together where you faked a heart attack and I thought it was real. So, today I was like, ‘Uh, okay, what is he doing now? Okay.’ And, then I kept talking to the neighbor on my left, and then I realized it was real.” Adding a little levity, Perino declared that had Bolling not been there, she would have had “to drop the atomic elbow” on him.

Chuckling Bowling interposed, “Can we get back to jobs now?”" Looking over at Bowling thankfully, Beckel declared, “You’re a reluctant hero, my friend. You a reluctant hero.” Seemingly somewhat embarrassed, Bowling replied, “God bless. Thank God it all worked out great.”

Indeed. Glad you’re still with us, Bob! And, kudos, Eric, for saving the day–and Bob’s life!

Author’s aside: For The Five footage, cf. J$P Video.

Lauren Sivan Moving: Yoga Tape “Missing”

Red Eye host Greg Gutfeld: Sadly, the voice of Long Island is leaving us. This morning Gutfeld cheekily announced that New York reporter Lauren Sivan was departing New York City for “newer and, hopefully, more sober opportunities in Los Angeles.”* In his paean to the self-dubbed “Dancing Shiva” with the “tramp stamp,” Gutfeld ran a cinematic collage of Lauren’s past appearances.

As Gutfeld did, he teased, “Have you [Lauren] ever got in trouble for anything you put online work-wise? When she coyly answered, “I don’t have any online accounts,” a TV test pattern with the graphic “tape missing YOGA NEWS 11/7/2009″ appeared.* At the end of the montage of her vintage clips, a smiling Lauren declared, “Vapid and yet obscene. I think I just lost my new job. Thank you, Greg!”

Hopefully, not. However, when “TV’s Andy Levy” asked her in the “Postgame Wrap-Up” whether she wanted to tell the viewers where she was going or not, she enigmatically remarked, “I’m going to Los Angeles, a little town called Los Angeles, um, to, to, to work for FOX in a different capacity.” In response, Andy sarcastically replied, “That was good, Lauren: people know exactly where to find you.”

Given her history with FNC, perhaps, Lauren was wise to omit the details of her future FOX job. At least, Greg had cut her famously sexy “Yoga News” segment, which has been quite the hit with her red-blooded male admirers–if not the Fox News suits. At the time Lauren performed the racy workout, one Twitter follower was so enraptured that he sent Lauren links to the hi-def caps of it. In response, she replied, “Thank You! I will either get promoted or fired for this:).”: Less than three months later, she sadly bid adieu to her fans.

Good luck, Lauren: you’ll be missed. Hopefully, you’ll return to Red Eye on your next visit to the Big Apple. Until then, your RE fans still have the memories–and the vid.

[Author's aside: Lauren's "missing" Red Eye tape can be found here.]

*Red Eye – 08/31/11 (@ 3:52 a.m. ET)